Been broken up 1 year. Haven't talked in 6 months. Saw her tonight. What to do?

[Dolmetscher]

I broke up with this girl that I'd been dating a really long time. I didn't panic or anything, because that relationship had been on it's way out the door for a while. But I did start dating this new girl only one month later. It felt like "long enough" of a break, but in retrospect, I guess it wasn't, because the new girl (who I really did care about) and I just didn't work out. We were awesome for like 8 months, but then in month 9, it just fell apart. Not really sure why. No one really said anything horrible or did anything terrible to the other. She just had a ton of stress dumped in her lap all of the sudden. Her college classes all got really intense all at once. She lost her job (which killed her, because she really had an important job). Her whole life just kind of came unwound, and it made it's way into our relationship.

So we broke up. We broke up during our first and only really heated argument. I don't even really remember which one of us "broke up with the other." It just sort of happened. I tried for like a month to smooth things over and get back together, because like I said, I did care about her a lot. But the more I tied, the more she pulled away, so... I finally just said to myself, "Oh well. It sucks hard, but I can't change it." It was really hard for me, but I just moved on. For the most part she respected my "No Contact" rule. She did stop by my house twice, and end up crying saying she wanted to be friends. I told her that I couldn't just be her friend, because I still had too many feelings for her, and that there would be no way that I could just be her friend if she started dating someone else. And I told her that I'd want to hug, touch, and kiss her the whole time. I just wasn't ready to be "friends." (and I'm still not, I don't think.)

So eventually she also just stopped calling and stopping by. That was a good 6 months ago. It's been a year, almost to the day since we broke up. Well, I saw her by surprise tonight. I was walking quickly down the sidewalk, and she was sitting at a table at a bar with a girl friend. She waved, and I was almost completely past before I recognized her, and I kind of half way waved back without even breaking stride. Didn't say a word. I didn't feel any panic, or weird nerves. I of course wouldn't have known what to say had I stopped. But, at any rate, I did get to my car and send her a text that said, "Hey, didn't mean to seem rude. I was just in a hurry. I hope you are doing great!"

I think I'd really like to give it a shot dating her again. I know that 99% of the world scoffs and laughs at people who want to re-date someone. Everyone seems to think that all those old problems will be right there waiting. But we really never had problems, until her whole life kind of fell apart. So, please don't just dismiss it and say, "Don't even try." I am just curious as to what you guys think a guy can do to start over with someone. Let me figure out whether I "should" or not.

[Dolmetscher]

Update: She just texted me back (after a 30 minute wait) and said, "No problem. I'm doing great actually!"

Not too sure what to make of that. Sounds kind of like she's not doing so great, but she really wishes she was. Or she really is doing great, and is just excited to be able to say that. Either way, I don't pick up on a load of warm feelings from her from that text message. Either I just don't know women at all (which is a distinct probability), or judging by her text, she isn't interested in knowing me at all anymore; which is surprising, because we never had a terrible terrible drawn out break up with hateful name calling or even any serious rudeness. It was actually more just kind of sadness on both our parts. We both really loved each other. Oh well. Blows.

[ftm]

Update: She just texted me back (after a 30 minute wait) and said, "No problem. I'm doing great actually!"

Not too sure what to make of that. Sounds kind of like she's not doing so great, but she really wishes she was.

How on EARTH do you divine THAT from this text message? You must be some kind of genius.

Or she really is doing great, and is just excited to be able to say that. Either way, I don't pick up on a load of warm feelings from her from that text message. Either I just don't know women at all (which is a distinct probability), or judging by her text, she isn't interested in knowing me at all anymore; which is surprising, because we never had a terrible terrible drawn out break up with hateful name calling or even any serious rudeness. It was actually more just kind of sadness on both our parts. We both really loved each other. Oh well. Blows.

What do you expect her to put in the text? "No problem. I'm doing great, actually. Let's get back together."? You can't know what she intends from one freaking text message, especially considering that your initial message to her, not to mention your half-wave, wasn't exactly warm or inviting. Why does she have to do all the work? If you want to find out how she'd feel about giving it another shot, why not just ask her? Then you'd actually have an answer rather than being reduced to flinging far-fetched hypotheses around a message board.

[Dolmetscher]

What do you expect her to put in the text? "No problem. I'm doing great, actually. Let's get back together."? You can't know what she intends from one freaking text message, especially considering that your initial message to her, not to mention your half-wave, wasn't exactly warm or inviting. Why does she have to do all the work? If you want to find out how she'd feel about giving it another shot, why not just ask her? Then you'd actually have an answer rather than being reduced to flinging far-fetched hypotheses around a message board.

I didn't mean to come across as some lazy jerk know it all. You are right, I don't know what she is thinking. And I didn't like half way wave at her as if I were annoyed or rude, I was just walking in full stride, and I didn't see her until I had almost already passed her by. But when I did see her, I smiled and waved. It just all felt rushed and hurried, because I was in a hurry myself. It was on purpose. And that's why I stopped to text her after all this time. I didn't want her to think that I was somehow just flippantly blowing past her.

And with regards to me over-interpreting from her response... you've got me there. I think most people read too much into what they think or assume someone means by something, rather than just trust what the words say and leave it at that. Like fore example, after she responded, I texted back to her...
"That's cool. I'm really glad. May the best of your today's be the worst of your tomorrows. Okay I stole that from a Jay-Z song, but I still think it's sweet."
I threw that last bit from a Jay-Z song in there because I do think it's a sweet quote, and because I wanted to keep the text light and cute, and not get all super serious. Maybe it just came off as cocky and as if I don't care. I don't know. I never know. I try to just be myself, and say whatever I feel, and act however I feel at the moment.

Anyway... she literally wrote back two words. "Awesome. Thanks". I know I can't read anything into that. But after a YEAR of not seeing each other, and 6 months with zero communication, and then I obviously try to put myself out there, and she responds with two words... I don't have to be Nostradamus to have my intuition tell me that she isn't interested in knowing me anymore. Which, to be honest, really sucks.

Oh well... I guess this is just part of life. But I'm definitely open for suggestions. If you think I have a chance if I'd just try harder. Let me know. Because I'm up for doing anything. I am obviously just do not know women that well.

[Gigabitch]

It sounds like it was really hard for her to get over you. She's finally succeeded. Be careful with that.

You might want to ask her if she'd like to have lunch and catch up but be prepared to be shot down. She's probably with someone else now.

[Dolmetscher]

It sounds like it was really hard for her to get over you. She's finally succeeded. Be careful with that.

You might want to ask her if she'd like to have lunch and catch up but be prepared to be shot down. She's probably with someone else now.

I guess you are right. It's so weird though. When we broke up, I called her the next day, and the next day, and the next, and tried so hard to just get her to come talk to me. But she was DONE! In fact, she really played it off almost as if we had never even been together. She lived at my house for 9 months. I mean, she didn't spend a single night away from my house for 9 months. We were like the happiest and cutest couple everyone knew. Then her school stuff started, then she lost her job, and within maybe three weeks and two fights, she was DONE???

When I'd finally get her to answer the phone she'd be like, "Oh hey. What's up?" And I'd be like, "Hey... come on, let's talk about this. I don't want to break up and lose you." And she'd be like, "What do you mean? I don't know what you are talking about. We broke up. It's over." I'd be like, "Where are you?" (because I could hear a lot of noise in the background.) And she'd be at a bar at 5:00. She maybe went to a bar three times in the 9 months we dated. I'd beg her to just come talk to me, or let me come meet her to talk to her. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to jump in the car and basically chase her down at the bar to talk to her, because then all her friends would start to think I was a creeper. It was the most frustrating thing ever.

And to this day, I still have no idea how she could just switch herself off like that. Talking to her on the phone, I literally was thinking, "Jeez, what happened to my sweet girlfriend, and who is this ice princess on the phone?" All that went on for about three weeks to a month, and then I just went into a coma. I didn't call her. I stopped emailing. I unfriended her on Facebook; not because I was trying to be a prick, but because she changed her profile picture to her having fun at a dance party, and it was just too painful for me to see her "online" in the Chat function and not be able to talk to her. So, I did it out of self-preservation. And I just went inward and tried to work on myself. I realized I had a lot of left over gunk from my previous relationship, and I just wanted to make some personal life changes.

I'm doing really well now. I have a new cool job. I am back in school getting a PhD. I've cut away a lot of unhealthy friends, and have been on an exercise program getting in good shape again. I feel good. I look good. And I'm on the right path. I've dated a few girls since this girl, but none of it has worked out. And to be honest, I still just care about this girl a lot.

I don't think she is seeing anyone, but I just honestly don't think I want to mess with her. If she has moved on and doesn't want me in her life, like you said, I just want to leave that alone. I'm not into coming around where I'm not wanted. I told her the last time I saw her 6 months ago, that I love her, and I'd like to start over, and just start dating on a casual basis if she'd like that. She said she couldn't handle that. I told her that she knows where to find me. She left, and that was it. She did call me 2-3 months later, but I didn't have my phone, and the voice mail was just her letting out one sigh and then hanging up. So, I didn't call her back when I got my phone back a day later.

As you guys can tell, I really don't know what do to very often. None of this stuff comes naturally to me. People always say that we should all trust our instincts, be ourselves, and do whatever feels right. Well, if that were the case, I'd probably still be calling her and asking her why we can't just talk about it.

Oh well... At the risk of reading too much into things... I just think that her two word responses to my texts signal to me that she isn't interested in me asking her to lunch. I was trying to re-establish some kind of contact with a friendly atmosphere. She's a great girl, and I miss her dearly. But I'm not going to bother her and disturb her life just because I feel bad and miss her. Sucks.

[Dogtoast]

Do yourself a favor and stop reading too much into things. I know its really hard and I still do it all the time with my ex. We've been broken up 6 months now and I still love her, tried dating this new chick who I was super into at first, then realized I was still in love with my ex and broke things off with the new chick.

Keep spending all that time on yourself, and do it for you, not for anyone else. Thats how you're going to get over your ex, and when you're not looking for other people to date is when you'll find the next one that you'll fall in love with.

I feel your pain though, it totally sucks to have someone go cold on you like that. I dont understand how some people can just seemingly switch it on and off like that. I guess thats just women and we'll never fully understand them? Either way good luck

[jloranestes]

To get back with this girl, you are going to have to prove to her that you aren't just going to leave her when the going gets rough. From what you described, she feels abandonded by you, but knows you still care about her. Being in a relationship is hard (as you know) and life can be hard sometimes too. It wasn't your fault that you broke up, but it probably felt that way to her. She needs to trust you again and that will take a lot of effot on your part.

[Cbrider]

I am a one and done person and pretty much stick to that rule, but I understand the getting back together, and for some people it works.

She had a hard time getting past you, and the only real way to truly get past someone is to completely shut down any emotional ties to them. Once those are shut down, its over.

Don't over estimate and set yourself up to fall if you give it a go.

[Dolmetscher]

Man this forum is great. You guys give great advice.

Dogtoast: Yeah, I think it is some kind of evolutionary mechanism in women, that they have the ability to be so emotionally plugged-in, but once they get unplugged, they are freaking UNplugged man. I understand it. Hell, I admire it. And I'm not still all beat down by all this. I'm okay. I keep everything in stride. I'm a good person, and I've learned a LOT about myself through this whole experience. But you are right, I still need to really pay attention that I don't try to read all between the lines, when there just aren't any lines to read between. When she says, "Awesome. Thanks", she really just means, "Awesome. Thanks". Or at least that is all I can assume she means. If she has other motives, that is all on her.

jloranestes: I wonder what you mean exactly by "prove to her that [I'm] not just going to leave her when the going gets rough." I know that she feels that way. I know that you are right. She DOES feel that I was half way out the door the whole time. She would say that she sometimes felt that any day I was going to say that I was leaving her. I think that she basically had a life crisis, and was afraid that I would desert her, so she just beat me to it and disappeared. That is all so ridiculous. I cared about her so much. I looked forward to seeing her everyday. We never talked about marriage or anything, but she did ask me if we could rent a house together officially. And of course, I think my reaction to that pushed her away. You see, part of her whole "life crisis" that happened just before we broke up was that her lease was up, and she needed to resign or move out. We basically lived together, so it just made sense. I had JUST moved into the place where I was, and the rent was CHEAP but the place was cool (but more for just one person). And I didn't like just say NO!. But I didn't jump straight up and say, "Awesome!". I thought about it, and said that moving in is a big step, and it was part of what made my last relationship go sour. She didn't act like it was a huge deal, but I think it all added up in the end.

Cbrider: I think your advice is the most harsh and the most realistic. I buried most all "hope" a long time ago. I think that me texting her last night was about as far as I am going to go right now without seeing some kind of reciprocation. This whole situation hurt me pretty much worse than I've ever been hurt. So, I am way hesitant to get my hopes all up again, and throw myself back out there talking about some, "I love you! Let's get back together." Even though that is what I would like to say, I'm smarter than that (or too scared for that). So, I guess it's just back to No Contact, until I have a sign that she even wants me in her life. I mean, trust me, I have a lot of amazing friends that could organize an incredible stunt like having REM set up in her front lawn and play "Everybody Hurts" while I knock on her door and deliver her four dozen roses, exclaiming my love and my deepest regrets for any pain I've caused.... but I'm smart enough to know that none of that would help. I could get Bruce Springsteen, Jay-Z, and the Black Eyed Peas to play a private acoustic set in her living room, with Oprah Winfrey as MC, but if she doesn't love me anymore, then I'd just look like a slightly creepy fool. I think that this is the first, or at least the most difficult time in my life that I have to realize that I can't really do anything to change her mind. And I don't even know what she is thinking. What bothers me the most though, is that I truly think that she has such the wrong impression about how I felt, and some of the things I said/did. And that sucks the most.

Thanks guys. Really!