For all the ladies: Advice needed on a "Reconciliation Attempt"

[abcd]

You were really attracted physically and in all sort of other ways to your EX and "LOVED" him very much. Your EX also "LOVED" very much and supported you a lot! You connected very well, you were lovers, bffs, had a lot of fun, great partners in every life activity: dancing and clubbing, humor, music, movies, hobbies, plans for marriage and family, travels, etc...

Here's the actual situation: Your EX boyfriend did all the attempts he could (texts and calls) of trying to get you change your mind but you had already made up your decision to move on.

You haven't talked for more than two weeks, we're not friends on facebook and she hasn't attempted to contact me either.

Now, I think (bcos I know she loved and cared about me a lot, she wanted me to marry her and I also did) that she would still be attracted to me and she would be able to love me again but "she has lost her faith on me" and she is mad at her self.

She seems that she was over it the first week. She has been partying "non stop" since the break up 4 times a week. and she hasn't attempted to contact me. What I don't understand is:

1) what is this? is she punishing herself?

2) is she using the party time as a way to not think about me and get over me?

3) is she trying to find someone else already? (it would be hard for me to be with someone right now) or msybe its not like this for women??? I'm confused because we loved eachother

3) and (the most important) WHEN would you be ready to talk again?

Thanks a lot

[Doc Durian]

I'm not a female, but she's got it into her head that it's over.

Whether you did something to warrant it or not... she's out there trying to bury your history together in the party scene.

If you don't know why, you'll probably never be made privy to it.... so move on.

Not everything has a reason for it... at least a reason that can or will be communicated.

Cut her off completely. Get out on the scene, hang out with mates, have a good time... recuperate.

If there was something wrong which you did and you know it... don't do it again with anyone else. Learn from your mistake. She's taught you the purest lesson with her flight in that case. If you did something which wasn't wrong but she cites it as the reason why she split... end any relationship you're in for the future if the same issue comes up... she/they have an issue and you don't have the time to deal with it in this life or waste your life away.

Go to bed, sleep on it, and wake up tomorrow with a new lease on life. There are plenty more options than just one.... I'd bet you that these options are infinitely better for you in the long run.

[vashti]

why has she lost her faith in you?

[lahnnabell]

I'm guessing that because you've avoided giving us specific details that you did something to harm the relationship. Right? Best tell us what it is because none of us can really discern your situation unless you give us a clear picture.

1. Why would she be punishing herself? By partying? No, she's most likely trying to drown her sorrows by focusing on other things. Last year when my ex and I broke up, I wallowed for about a week or two, then I decided I wasn't going to waste my life being sad. I decided to go out and have a blast and it got me over him much faster. Did I still have hang-ups and need to vent once and a while? Of course. But I wasn't going to let an already unworthy man dictate my own state of happiness.

2. See answer to No. 1

3. If she is trying to find someone else, it isn't for a long-term relationship. We all rebound after big relationships end, and she probably wants to get the show on the road. On top of going out with my friends, I pushed myself back into the dating scene. 1. to remind myself that I am desirable, 2. to remind myself that there are decent, mature men out there.

4. I have no idea what you did, or what happened between you, so this question I cannot answer. This depends entirely on the relationship, the break-up, your personalities. Some people hold grudges, some don't.

[Doc Durian]

Maybe he didn't do anything and she just wanted to cut loose and sleep around... It's 2010 now... All bets are off and anyone can do anything in any relationship.

[abcd]

I'm guessing that because you've avoided giving us specific details that you did something to harm the relationship. Right? Best tell us what it is because none of us can really discern your situation unless you give us a clear picture.

1. Why would she be punishing herself? By partying? No, she's most likely trying to drown her sorrows by focusing on other things. Last year when my ex and I broke up, I wallowed for about a week or two, then I decided I wasn't going to waste my life being sad. I decided to go out and have a blast and it got me over him much faster. Did I still have hang-ups and need to vent once and a while? Of course. But I wasn't going to let an already unworthy man dictate my own state of happiness.

2. See answer to No. 1

3. If she is trying to find someone else, it isn't for a long-term relationship. We all rebound after big relationships end, and she probably wants to get the show on the road. On top of going out with my friends, I pushed myself back into the dating scene. 1. to remind myself that I am desirable, 2. to remind myself that there are decent, mature men out there.

4. I have no idea what you did, or what happened between you, so this question I cannot answer. This depends entirely on the relationship, the break-up, your personalities. Some people hold grudges, some don't.

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NOTE: Here, I am just going to mention what went bad (from me, not from her I just can't write everything because it will be very long) so its going so I am going to sound like a bad person but please do not base your opinions on this because the reason why she was very attached to me is that she know since the beginning that I was a very nice and great guy and I had supported her in everything.
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No, she's not the type of person that would go sleep around, but that is what I am afraid of she's going to do! The fact is that she was 20 when I met her and I was 29. We met at a class in college because I am back to work on a second degree and almost done. She approached me in class and we went for a couple of dates, I told her that I had made plans to not enter the dating scene again unless I had finish all my plans because dating is responsibility and commitment ( I was trying to start a business, I was going to school, working full time, plus the sadness of a dad with Alzheimer etc.. all this was causing me a lot of stress and lack of time that's why I had made that decision) she insisted... we fell in love! Had a lot of fun... We had our ups and downs but over all we were in love with each other and were making plans to get engaged this summer and get married in 2011.

She was throwing away her old stuff and boyfriends pictures and I told her that she could keep all those, she did not have to erase her past because when she gets older she will laugh at them... it did not bother me at all. She was mad that I kept mine in my laptop in a folder... I told her repeatedly that they do not mean anything to me and I tried to make her be a little bit more open minded and not jealous... She had trust issues with me because "she said that I was an attractive man and she was afraid I was going to leave her in the future for someone better or cuter or what ever...

A lot of other stuff that is like above that kept adding more stress to the relationship and caused me to breakup with her impulsively Now her family also hates me because she was telling them all the bad stuff that I was doing... I guess she was looking for confirmation, approval and support but she did not look at the situation from another perspective. We tried but we always went back to the same.
But guys, I am not the guy that lets go something that I care about! I will keep trying... I only need to let her cool off and then so I can re open lines of communication and contact (if she does still then I will let her go) I am doing this because I know and I was sure about her love towards me, honestly she cared a lot and i did too but I took her for granted ... She showed me a lot and I know if she lets all those negative feelings go, she will see things in a different way. relationships are hardwork and "A LOT" of honest and open communication and we needed more of it!

What would be the best way to open communication again? I am giving her all the space she needs now. But I am thinking about contacting her again... She hasn't tried tho. By the way, I panicked about losing her right after the breakup, do you think that pushed her further?

[lahnnabell]

Yes, I think you pushed her further away. You are not giving her space if you're checking up on her like you are (somehow getting updates on how much she goes out, etc.)

Sounds like you guys think very differently in how you approach your past. She doesn't want to keep her old pictures of exes because to her that is how she is showing her full commitment to you and the relationship you share. In her eyes, the reason you kept memorabilia from ex relationships was to be able to go through it and think fondly of these women you no longer have in your life. It made her jealous and insecure. I can't see why that wouldn't tick a lot of women off to be honest.

You, on the other hand, feel that you owe the women in your past some form of respect by acknowledging how important they were to you. This is not wrong, however; I wonder if keeping a folder of this stuff in your laptop is really necessary. Are they pictures, old e-mails, love letters? Why do you need that stuff? It is not as though your ex is going to ever want to look at them with you because they have NOTHING to do with her.

[cmacattack1]

I don't want to generalize but at her age, she isn't 100 percent secure with herself, which contributes to her hangups about you having your old ex memorabilia. There isn't really much you can do about that unfortunately, and even if you did throw everything you had away to "prove" to her that you were committed, it still wouldn't guarentee the relationship or her security would increase. That kind of thing takes some time and comes with age. Everybody is different though, but if this relationship was on an even keel in terms of trust and respect, you probably wouldn't be in this situation at the moment.

It is a very typical thing to want to not let something go and to keep chasing after what you believe in and love. It's very romantic wouldn't you say. But as mentioned, it is just pushing her away. If she is trying to bury you, are you going to keep popping out of the ground again like it's Night Of The Living Dead? Don't make it any more of a nightmare than it is. And I'm not talking about how bad my analogy was.

You have to just let her be and if she finds somebody else, there isn't much you can do about it. Keep in mind that it's not very likely she will, but it's not your concern and shouldn't be something you should just be waiting for. Give her time and space and if she wants to talk to you she will. Don't miss out on any opportunities that you could be open to waiting around for somebody that is undecisive and throwing a tantrum in front of her parents about how "mean" and "bad" you are.

I know it's something that you can't really think about now, and I'm not telling you to go chase some strange tail. Just get out and have a good time and do what makes you happy. You might be a little out of the 4 nights a week party range and that's okay. You have your priorities in line, you might be able to find somebody that has theirs in as well. I'm just being presumptious but when I was 20 years old at college, partying was my number one priority too. She has alot to learn, alot of maturing to do, and who knows where you will be a couple years down the road if you don't run into each other or end up talking before then. Whether it works out or not, everything is going to be okay in the big picture.