Boyfriend's Female Friend Does Not Respect Boundaries

[mmasq]

First off I want to make it clear that I trust my boyfriend, and I don't have any problems with him having female friends. He has many female friends and I have only had issues with two of them. One is an exgf who continued to declare her love for him after we had been dating for many months and who stated on her livejournal that she had no problem with pursuing married men or men in relationships. The final woman in question is a friend that he recently met(six months ago) from college. They have been in many of the same classes ( 2 of 3) for six months, because of this they have become rather close and spend a lot of time studying together. I don't think this girl really respects my relationship with my boyfriend. They spend sometimes more than 8 hrs a day together. My boyfriend some times takes her to school, drops her off afterwards. I haven't even particularly minded that he doesn't tell me he's doing these things. I've either overheard phone conversations where they are arranging these trips, or some similar way of finding out. I don't particularly feel the need to know every moment of my boyfriend's life. However, it does annoy me when he is supposed to be home at a certain time and he doesn't call, then later I find out he was taking a special trip to her apartment to drop off notes because she missed class.
This girl will spend over 8 hrs a day with him, but then still call him, and text him in the evenings. Once my boyfriend told me he was going to be studying for one of his classes in a separate room, so I gave him his privacy because I want him to study undistracted. But when I enter the room he is talking to this girl on a chat program. I have woken up in the morning and found him chatting to her on the same chat program, when he is going to see her in a few hours anyway. He didn't even say good morning to me, he just continued chatting to this girl. Not only does my boyfriend study with this girl in a mixed setting of friends, but he even spends time alone with her, at her work, and in her apartment. I just recently found out that her apartment is a tiny studio, with the bedroom right out in the open where they are. I find it disrespectful that he is doing this with her; but at the same time I trust him. However, I do not trust her. I have only met her once at a party, and she was rude to me, I am no saint, and was rude to her in return. Since then the only contact she and I have had is via Facebook. She has never talked to me about studying with my boyfriend, she has never made an effort to get to know me. She comments on practically every Facebook post my boyfriend makes. She has even quoted song lyrics that I know are from one of my boyfriend's fave bands. Recently for my boyfriend's birthday we decided to do something mellow because it was on a school night. We chose to go see a movie. When he told her we were going to see a movie, all his friends were invited, she commented that it was a lame thing to do for one's birthday. I felt insulted because it had been my suggestion. This friend of his then went on his Facebook and made a big declaration of how she wishes she was on campus the same day as his birthday because she would "Sing him happy birthday really loud and offkey, she would bring party hats, and pink balloons." She also uses very flirty conversation with him, a few of my friends and his have even asked me who this girl is and why is she acting like she's dating him, after reading her comments on his Facebook. My boyfriend seems to be completely oblivious to her behaviour. He believes it is just friendly and I am being jealous. I don't deny that I may be jealous, as I said, I'm not a saint. Yesterday it all came to a head and she has told my boyfriend that she won't be studying with him anymore because essentially she doesn't want to deal with a psycho girlfriend hating on her for just being his friend. This too annoys me because I don't believe that is how I'm acting. My boyfriend was very unhappy about this and it led to an argument between us. Is he correct that I'm overreacting and should be accepting of their situation? I would like to reiterate, that I trust my partner, I don't have a problem with him having friendships with the opposite sex. I do however have an issue with him hanging out with a woman alone for hours at a time on a weekly basis in her very small apartment a foot or so away from her bed. I don't feel respected, and I don't feel like this woman is respecting me or our relationship.
I know this was incredibly long to read. So thank you if you do, but it was very cathartic as well.

Take care.

Mmasq

[starbuck]

She doesn't respect any boundaries because he hasn't set any. The woman's behavior seems to be entirely encouraged by him. I don't think you're being unreasonable since some of his behavior was just plain rude (lateness, ignoring you while chatting with her). However, you can't really dictate who he hangs out with. You can only explain why you don't like her, and why their friendship feels uncomfortable for you. A savvier male would know that this sort of closeness to a female could make his girlfriend jealous or uneasy and therefore avoid it. Your boyfriend is either clueless about women or is too addicted to the attention she gives him to care about your concerns.

What I don't get is how you can not trust her, yet trust him. By that logic, you should be ok with him hanging out with her because you are absolutely sure nothing is going to happen. Are you?

[mmasq]

All valid points. I trust my partner because I don't think my boyfriend intends to have anything romantic with this woman. I cannot speak the same for her. I don't trust her intentions.

[xxazurexx]

All valid points. I trust my partner because I don't think my boyfriend intends to have anything romantic with this woman. I cannot speak the same for her. I don't trust her intentions.

If you trusted your boyfriend, I don't think you would worry over what intentions she may have.

You'd know that her intentions were WASTED....because you know your guy wouldn't look twice at her, you trust him.
.

[Gigabitch]

If I had this problem with my husband, he would be in major trouble for not putting a stop to this crap immediately. Sure you trust him, but what the bloody hell is he doing at her apartment? Oh, hell no.

This is a problem with him, not with her. Focus your anger where it belongs.

[xxazurexx]

This is a problem with him, not with her. Focus your anger where it belongs.

I agree....

If he told her to get lost (politely), she wouldn't be able to conduct her nonsense.

[lahnnabell]

Hell no. No no no. I find it VERY hard to believe he's completely clueless about this situation. I agree with starbuck he seems to be addicted to the amount of attention this girl showers him with and he needs to set up some boundaries FAST. It must make you feel terrible to know that he's doing all these flirty fun things with a FRIEND, and you must wonder why you're getting the leftovers. Seriously, how are the things you do with him special in any way if he's acting like he's dating THIS chick?

I've seen girls say they don't trust the other girl because they're afraid that if place blame on their boyfriends that the boyfriend will get fed up and leave. If he's gonna up and leave you that easily, then he wasn't very committed in the first place. Sounds like an ultimatum is in order. Do it calmly and lady like, but put your foot down. Don't pretend this doesn't hurt you because it was sure as hell hurt me.

[VincenzoG91]

The final woman in question is a friend that he recently met(six months ago) from college.

This odd phrasing, final instead of other woman, makes me think that you originally were intending to post regarding three or more women that you're worried about. It's good that you cut the list down to just two, because if it was a lot of women, you might come across as paranoid, insecure and excessively jealous. I think you should trim the list one more time and stop worrying about the ex. She is his ex for a reason, possibly many reasons, and you didn't indicate that there was any ongoing interest on the part of your boyfriend. Her optimism is probably misplaced.

Focus on the study buddy, to choose your battle wisely, and because she looks like she could end up as his future girlfriend. However, there isn't anything that you can realistically do directly to her, because she would tell your boyfriend and try to make you look bad. No, you need to talk directly to your boyfriend, because he is allowing this situation to develop when he is the ideal person to shut it down before there is trouble. Work this out with him directly.

It's an unfair situation for you. The study buddy is probably on her very best behavior around him, while you get to deal with him in the context of an ongoing relationship, with all the regular ups and downs that can entail. But you stand firm on your position. As others have pointed out, he probably isn't clueless about what's going on. He enjoys the extra attention and then makes excuses for her when you get worried. You need to make him understand that his behavior is causing you to suffer, and if he really cares about you, he will drop the study buddy. Besides, he can probably study more effectively on his own, and this dalliance with this other girl is more of a distraction than a study aid. If he wants attention, you should be enough for him. If not, he probably isn't mature enough to handle a serious relationship right now.

You haven't said anything positive about your boyfriend. While he probably has his good points, people reading about him here are probably visualizing a selfish jerk. If that's accurate, you might want to reconsider whether this relationship is worth it to you.

[cmacattack1]

All the attention is really feeding his ego and I think he enjoys it. A person comfortable with himself wouldn't need that, although I think we all secretly enjoy a little attention. Keep in mind a little. I'm just concerned because I feel like your needs are falling by the wayside. He does get to spend alot of time with this girl, do you feel like you are getting the short end of the stick here? Does he effectively ignore you to talk to this girl, or are you just picking details like "one time he didn't say good morning to me."? Do you guys still spend a healthy amount of free time together? As mentioned above, I think the relationship should be more of the focus instead of this one girl. If your relationship is rocky, you would have every right to feel threatened by the fun study buddy. If it's rocky, why is it?

It's hard to get an accurate description from just your one side of the story, I can't help but feel it's a bit biased. The only picture I get in my head from this is he gets to have fun at school all day with this girl and then just comes home to the boring, dull girlfriend at the end of the day.

[Charlie Boy II]

A couple of years ago I was the boyfriend in this situation, right down to the innocent act. I had sex with my "friend" about a month after I broke up with my then-girlfriend.

[lahnnabell]

How'd that turn out for you, Charlie?

[doppelgaenger]

It sounds to me like your bf is interested in his lady friend.

Either you'll have to deal with it, or he'll have to stop being friends with her. Simple as that.