what is inside a boys brain? Im ready to hear the truth

[doppelgaenger]

You don't suck, he sucks.

[LailaK]

I've been where you are, trying to find ways to excuse the behavior of the one you want/love. In all honesty the one thing standing between yourself and happiness is... you!

It's hard, but it can be done. I keep encouraging you to cut him out of your life because that is the first step to you moving on and finding someone worthy of your love. I did it. You can too.

[Gigabitch]

I stuck by him even when he treated me like dirt.

There's your problem. You reinforced bad behavior. He disrespected you and you taught him that it was okay.

Your bad.

[Disillusioned]

why cant it be black and white and not grey.

I'm not defending your boyfreind but I think I'm a lot like him. You can feel real romance in your heart burning like a bonfire but still be indecisive, cowardly, meek, unsure etc. If you've had enough of it you have to move on and give yourself closure because it's not something you can break him of. I don't think he sounds manipulative (relatively speaking at the end of a relationship with emotions flying around like battlefield ordnance) and you still appreciate something about him but there's a disparity of understanding, whether engineered or accidental. Some people's core beliefs and principals are rock solid and never change despite circumstances. some of us, while not necessarily slaves to our emotions, change our minds a lot about what we believe...optimistic one day, pessimistic the next. If that's the case he needs to learn the difference between honesty and "truth". If someone is honest about how they feel, it doesn't mean that they're desribing it in a way you (or they!) can understand.

Black and white are instances, ther's no surface to stand on, just the knife edge of a "eureka" moment where things are clear for a second before they cloud back over. Life is lived in the grey area that makes up the totality of the human experience with percieved absolutes at both ends.

Each individual, each with a sea of feelings in their heads, each unsure of what each other are thinking or feeling, each insecure to some degree because of it and the world is convoluted by people's images pre-empting their true nature.

All you can do is take what he says with an according amount of seriousness considering how he might feel the next day or if he loses his job, if a loved one dies in a horrible accident, if he wins a big lottery etc. From what you described though if you need solidity he's not the guy for you. You're trying to understand but it can and will be hard on you to do so. I don't think you're demanding too much from him but it might be something he doesn't have to give. Is that a sacrifice you're willing to make? There are other guys out there more decisive who have an easier time expressing what they want in a simple, understandable fashion.

Move on or be confused. Good luck to both of you.

[lostlars]

Thankf for your opinion dillusioned. That is interesting way to look at it. I dont understand because I always feel as though he is leading me on. I never know if he wants to hang out, or is out of boredom. I never know if he means what he says or if he is going to take it back the next day. Its turning me into a crazy girl..literally. I overanalyze everything from his actions to his words. Why isnt he cuddling me? Why am I the one that texts him first? Why is he being so nice? why why why....I'm trying so hard to understand and I always did. I just wanted reassurance, like himn to look me in the eyes and tell me to stop worrying because he really cares and mean it. Not say it one day, take it back the next etc. It has driven me bonkers. I thought about writing him one final email explaining my confusion and finally say goodbye. Tell him if he ever knows he wants to be with me to give me a call. Do you think thats a good idea or pointless? The thing is I know I could call him up anytime and hed want to hang...I dont like questioning his motives nor do I like the person I have become (crazy) because of all this. I have lost myself.

[Disillusioned]

I don't want to pick on you but keep in mind your own insecurities. I also want to say I disagree with the simplified bashing of him by others based on your descriptions. Don't assume it's out of maliciousness. Guys like me, we'd love to give a straight answer honestly...or would we? I don't know...you see? We don't know what we really want and we're afraid to choose anything because it feels like a cage or an endless fall down some bottomless pit. No offense but one thing leads to another, so, if you want the label of girlfriend you want to see if you can make a life together, maybe have kids together...basically stay with each other until you move on or die and experience things together for a vaugely understood committment of time based on a word you both put different emphasis on. The little committment becomes so inflated and huge so quickly and suddenly you have to ask yourself are you going to or willing to spend your life with this person. It all started with a cup of coffee and now, 10 years later they finally realize they don't want to admit they wish they'd never met but they lost their lives in each others eyes and made some promises that stole each other's youth and both are bitter. Just keep in mind there's a simple progression of life, meet, become an item, move in together, (get married perhaps), have kids, settle in (or settle in then have kids), watch the kids grow up and have kids of their own, get old and die. One decision can lead to all of that and it's the next biggest thing to the ultimate sacrifice. Things that seem so small can carry such gravity depending on how someone's mind works. We all want someone to love us that much but understand the level of the decision. You might not think you're asking him to spend the rest of his life with you but if he doesn't want to hurt you he won't go that rout if he has doubts about himself, on the other hand he can't just give you up. It's called love. Also consider, if you think he's playing with your heart now, imagine six years down the road. Maybe he doesn't want you to wake up one day with him gone because he felt his life was slipping away and needed to save himself while he felt he still had a chance. It's not a simple as people make it out to be. I've also never met either of you and descriptions seldom do people justice. Two sides to the story etc. You sound like nice person. I could see how he could also be a nice person and there's a reason you like him. Maybe asking him to give you closure is too hard for him to do while at the same time he can't take such a leap, rather, he might be doing so under the false pretenses that he wants to and really doesn't. I think some of the most painful times are where you don't want to hurt someone and end up doing considerable damage once the dam breaks.

[lostlars]

I understand what you are saying but it wasn' t that. Our trust was shot. I used to be a very confident person but him losing my trust made me build insecurites greater than I ever thought. Why wasnt I good enough? Why did he always want more? someone else? I gave him my whole heart and soul and it was ok some days and others there was someone else out there.

The whole label thing was a big deal because I felt it was the staple of trust. If I was his "girlfriend" he would tell people that and thats how it would be. Since I wasnt that gives him the freedom talk to whoever he wanted. Everytime I wasnt with him he was trying to pick up on girls. Not everytime, but everytime we would fight for sure. We had a couple of fights where he left for a few days. I KNOW in my heart he cheated on me and still hasnt flat out admitted it. Altthough he has in roundabout ways. Yet is it cheating if we are not together? He can do what he wants right? I can kiss a guy and thats not ok because we have this thing..yet he can sleep with someone cuz I am not his girlfriend.

I made a really bad mistake too. I suspected him of cheating and I checked his cellphone. Why when we fight would he not come home? I have never done that in any other relationship. When you find evidence of someone straying you continue to check and it becomes crazy. Although there wasnt direct texts that said "I had fun ****ing you last night"..it was more or less implied. Though never admitted. So I would be hurt and mad and he wouldnt know why. I couldnt fess up and tell him I snooped or I look wrong. Thats what fueled alot of fights. I did things I shouldnt have..didnt like what I saw..flipped out without him knowing why..and looked crazy. God though..we were living together! Maybe the extend of it all was flirty texts. I dont know...Im a wreck with this whole saga if u cant tell...

[asdfg789]

I see 2 possible reasons for your boyfriend's behaviour but they lead to the same conclusion.

1. as disillusioned says, he has no bad intentions but is simply undecided. Given your expectations of your partner, it makes you incompatible. He will just continue to drive you nuts and hurt you.

2. (more likely in my opinion) he is using you as a spare tyre. he will come to you for love, sex, comfort in between other flings that he has. those flings dont last because the other girls dont want to take this shit. so inevitably, he comes back to you again and again.

Conclusion is you will gain nothing from this but hurt. Get out of it. Quickly.

My 2 cents ...

[Disillusioned]

So he was trying to pick up on other girls and get some one the side? You made mistakes that compounded his but his were the greater, IMO. I've lost what respect I was holding out for him. Never snoop because you can't unfind things out about someone.

[lostlars]

so I already wrote a response to this thread and it disappeared. what the hell??? seriously. I really dont want to write it out again even though it was a very good post. To sum it up I was saying how maybe cheating isnt that bad. Maybe everybody cheats on everybody. I am BARTENDER and business people take their rings off daily..as do ball players..god my1st post was so much better! where did it go! I dont even feel like getting into it all again other than saying...maybe everybody cheats on everybody and thats just life.

[lostlars]

seriously?? ugh I feel like I need to explain it more. I mean i have no trust in guys anymore. I have had my heart broke twice by guys cheating. I dont trust guys. Any guy thats has asked me out since my breakup I tell them that i am not girlfriend material. I am not, at least i dont lie to them. Because I will look threw ur phone and be psycho because im so hurt. toohurt. omg..i wish my fist post hadnt disappeared..and I drank wine. I just am trying to make the point clear that i dont know how to trust again..i really dont.

[the_robot]

I mean i have no trust in guys anymore. I have had my heart broke twice by guys cheating. I dont trust guys.

That's not bad, if you don't trust them until they win the trust, you won't have to deal with idiots breaking your heart again... just be opened to trusting some, because there is good guys.

[Disillusioned]

seriously?? ugh I feel like I need to explain it more. I mean i have no trust in guys anymore. I have had my heart broke twice by guys cheating. I dont trust guys. Any guy thats has asked me out since my breakup I tell them that i am not girlfriend material. I am not, at least i dont lie to them. Because I will look threw ur phone and be psycho because im so hurt. toohurt. omg..i wish my fist post hadnt disappeared..and I drank wine. I just am trying to make the point clear that i dont know how to trust again..i really dont.

Be careful with your projections. Faithfulness is a matter of empathy and empathy is lacking in most people of both genders. Get too jaded and you'll cheat on someone under the assumption that they're going to anyway. That's like coming into a relationship with your dukes up and hate on your mind. People get to too wrapped up in themselves to see how they might hurt others. Cheating IS bad, an open relationship isn't. It's the FALSE PRETENSES that make it wrong. There tends to be an unspoken assumption of faithfulness unless you're upfront about promiscuity and if you're upfront people might call you names. Some people are still stuck in the 19th century and feel there's something wrong with having fun without the commitment. As long as you put your trust issues out in the open to tell them what to expect, the decision rests with them and they hurt themselves because you were honest. If you cheat on someone you're playing with their heart and might give them an STI. That's not cool. Like I said, empathy. I'd be devastated if I got cheated on. How could I do that to someone I love?