Looking for online relationship advice

[Kaius]

Is online relationship something like a role playing game where you two are married in the fantasy world but in real life you guys never met?
Every woman I ever wrote online I met in real life.... Not necessarily for romantic reasons. I met some nice friends online this way.

[Trish]

Early on in our relationship I did know that she had a partner in real life. I am very opposed to 'cyber cheating' and I made it clear to her many times that her partner had to know about us. She has told me many times that he (yes, her partner is a he) is aware and is happy that she found another woman that she could be close to.

This complicates the idea of us ever meeting. I do not want to risk coming between them. I think her partner feels ok with the relationship because it is online only. I think a face-to-face may cause problems and Im simply not willing to risk that.

After talking to her more I have a better understanding of what has been going on. The short version is she is essentially an exhibitionist. She likes the attention she gets from the rest of the people. Essentially she'll post a 'revealing' picture, or talk dirty to someone (or multiple someones) and they will give her a lot of attention. Telling her how attractive, or how hot she is. Saying all the stuff they'd like to do to her. This makes her feel good about herself. Shes not really doing it to hurt me. Shes just going for an ego boost. Shes not really trying to 'cheat' on me. So at least I understand her motivation.

On the other side, it doesnt mean that I like it. I still feel bad and cheated on when she does these things. But I believe its part of her nature. I believe that she does need this to feel ok about herself. Does that mean that she's "damaged" and can only feel good when shes "being naughty"?? Yes, definitely.

So the bottom line is she need to do this. She will continue to do this. Its not about me. Its about her own self worth.
But I have self worth too and I cannot watch as she does this. This means that I have to leave that forum. She wont stop and I cant watch. She feels like Im abandoning her, but I have no other choice. I have offered to stay in contact through email, but I dont think that will work out. Its time for me to move on and develop a 'real world' relationship.

Thanks for listening to all my crazy.

[starbuck]

You're probably doing yourself a favor by distancing yourself from this person. Someone who needs this much attention is going to find it hard to be satisfied in a committed relationship.

You're handling this very well.

[Trish]

Thank you for your support. The difficultly I am running into is that because she does need attention, and I have been her primary source of attention she is finding it difficult to accept my terms - that I cant return to the forum, but that I will communicate through email.

She is begging me to return, telling me how hurt and upset she is, how much she loves and needs me. This happened once before where I almost left. She claims that she cut her wrists last time because she was so upset. I have serious doubts as to whether that was real or just a ploy to make me feel guilty for leaving. I suspect it was just manipulation.

I really have to stick to my terms though. I need to distance myself. Its difficult, but if she can't accept my terms then she'll simply have to deal without talking to me at all.

[ftm]

You need to cut yourself loose from this and focus on finding a relationship with someone who you know in real life and is not attached. This whole thing sounds unhealthy on multiple levels. I have seen this "online relationship" dynamic in people before, and to be honest it's never seemed remotely healthy to me. Get out of her perverse fantasy and into your own real life.