I blew it.

[Lyrum]

Cmac that was absolutely...brilliant.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Let me clarify a few things really quick- She is only the second girl I've been with and I really don't know how a healthy relationship works, my first relationship was more of a joke and of course the second being much more serious. It didn't really come out of the blue, she would tell me things were bothering her and she would like for things to change, I told her I would do my best, maybe I would do better for a week, then go back to my old ways. I just never seen the breakup coming.

Your right about me being immature in the whole relationship, it just seems that now we are broken up everything is more clear. When she broke up with me I begged her to take me back, and now I'm kind of glad she didn't. The advancements we've both made in the past month or so have been good for both of us.

Tonight was hard for me because she told me she was going out, I started ringing her with, "Who are you going out with" "When will you be back home" I'm deathly afraid that she is going to find someone while she's out there...I know she still loves me, not sure if she's in love with me. I wish I would stop pressuring her and putting unneeded stress on the both of us. I would love to be able to relax on the calling and texting, and I'm going to try my best for the sake of our relationship.

Thanks again Cmac, and if you have any other words of advice/wisdom do feel free to share.

[cmacattack1]

I was in the same boat as you, I treated my girlfriend more like crap than you and only made it 8 months. I did the whole begging thing, pleading thing dragged out over a whole month and a half and all the while she was talking to some other guy. I heard it from some friends that she was but I felt so guilty about treating her like crap, I wanted to trust her and give her the benefit of the doubt. Finally she told me about said guy, how happy she was, how over me she was and that was it. Everything just flashed before my eyes. At least you are not in that position but I tell you to be prepared. In such an emotional state as you are in right now, you are very prone to make a illogical decision (like you were with giving her the third degree tonight about where she is going and who she is with). That's why it's better not to do anything at all, rather than goof up anymore. If she finds somebody, she finds somebody. If she wants to be with somebody else, she will be with somebody else. All you can do is leave her be and not make her feel pressured, or in a manner of speaking, increase your odds of reconciliation.

You are certainly right though. I'm glad I wasn't taken back either because I wouldn't have learned anything if I didn't have to face the harsh reality and accept my responsibilities. I blew it too, and sometimes you only get one chance. It's a tough pill to swallow.

What you guys are doing right now is kind of dangerous territory. You want to be in her life so she doesn't move on or lose her feelings for you, and she is enjoying the option of talking to you and having that person to fall back on while she is going out and having a good time. And she feels justified in doing so. I just don't want you to feel like you are getting strung along. Everything is so uncertain and it could go either way right now. Just keep your head on your shoulders and your wits about you and like I said, all you can do is let her make the steps back towards you. She's going to be tenative because the break up's still fresh and there's a long way for her to go to get back to where you guys were and it's up to her to decide if that's worth it.

I've noticed that reconciliation usually happens after a good amount of time has passed, and it usually involves dating other people inbetween. When you are apart for a while, and then run into each other or reconnect again, it's like you are really getting to know them again and finding out things about them that are new and exciting. You know that spark, the reason why you guys fell in love with each other in the first place. It'd be kind of insane to think that things could ever be the same again between you two, but they can be stronger. That's why begging is so bad: trying to lure them back into a broken relationship, and reestablish it on such a shaky foundation: guilt, fear of being alone, etc. It didn't start out that way the first time, why would things be different trying to desperately get back together. You usually want to start a new relationship instead and that takes some time, some forgiveness and putting things behind you.

Just something to think about. Maybe it's not an option now but if things start to get ugly again, I'd recommend it immediately. Letting go is scary but could be necessary in the long run. And I'm sure you wouldn't care if she was with other guys if you had her in the end for the rest of your life right? That's what love is to me.

[Kyouhen]

Cmac once again thank you for typing that...you make me believe in love and life a little bit again...

[Lyrum]

It's really crazy how similar our situations are Cmac-

You've given me some of the best advice I've heard thus far, and I'm going to try and be productive with it.

Since you've been here, would you mind me asking you a few questions, you seem like a straight forward person and I know you can help me understand things even further.

"If you truly loved me, why did you treat me the way you did ?" She always asks me this question, and I do my best to say I was naive, and taking her for granted, but is there something deeper that I can't see ? How did you go about coming to an understanding with the way you treated her, did you ever figure out why ?

How long have you and her been apart now ? Honestly, how are you dealing with it now, are you still struggling ? Have you moved on, are you seeing other girls now ? Are you guys still in contact ?

And my final question, if it suits your situation, and it's the same question I've heard a billion times - If she came back and wanted to be with you, would you be able to accept her again and be in a relationship with her ?

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, our situations are eerily similar, but they aren't really all that uncommon. What it boils down to is that we just got too comfortable with our girlfriends and took what we had for granted. Typical with many guys who just haven't really grown into the role of man and provider. Instead of growing together towards something, somewhere along the way it hit a plateau and started declining. We thought they would always be there (my ex told me she doesn't think she could leave me, which guess what? Made me all the more comfortable with it) and that their love for us would conquer all. Nope. That breaking up was reality kicking us in the face saying "Relationships are hard and consistent work". I've read somewhere that getting a girl is actually the easy part, keeping them is the hard part. Couldn't be more true.

"If you truly loved me, why did you treat me the way you did?"

-You were right about being naive, even though it sounds stupid and isn't quite an explanation. You and me both were both naive. We were both immature. We were both selfish. We aren't really forced to grow up if we always have them there for us when we are acting like children and we regress while they care for us and stick by our side. In a way, we weren't really ready for a relationship in the first place. But we didn't know any better. We were inexperienced. It seems that for those few happy couples that we all seem to know that met in high school and got married right out of it/college, that if it's true love, everything falls into place. Everything is perfect. It changes who you are and you magically transform into a devoted boyfriend/husband. It's simply not realistic. Even those perfect couples have their serious problems, we just don't know about them. But these reasons for why we acted this way are not excuses. They make it understandable, but they don't make it acceptable. Accepting our responsibility in this is the first step towards growing up and maturing. You've already come to this point and you already feel more mature, wouldn't you say?

"How did you go about coming to an understanding with the way you treated her, did you ever figure out why ?"

-Figuring out what I did wrong was the easy part. I easily named a laundry list of things I did wrong, terrible, horrible, hurtful things that I don't think me or my ex could believe I was capable of doing. I didn't cheat on her, I didn't physically assault her, but that doesn't make me a good boyfriend. Understanding why I did these things? That was a little more complex, a little tougher. Something that took some serious digging and I still figure things out every day. I had to really take a look at myself. Everybody thinks I'm a great guy because I'm very selfless when it comes to friends. Even people that don't deserve it get my best efforts. I could easily be mistaken with a doormat. But alot of girls see me as somebody that can provide for them what they are all looking for in a relationship: security. I have much confidence in the fact that I can make fun of myself and act like it isn't a big deal, but it's really a defense mechinism. I'm very insecure and very low self esteem, it's as if I subconsciously didn't think I was worthy of such love and treatment from my ex girlfriends. I would begin to treat those close to me like I treated myself, with self loathing. I'm more of the guy that holds it in, and emotionally withholding on your partner is a form of emotional abuse. I also have issues with really understanding love in my life. I grew up a bastard child, my mom had boyfriends that would cheat on her, stalk her, humiliate her. My mom is currently dating somebody for 10 years and while he is a decent guy, she tells me every day she doesn't think she is really in love with him, but it's too late for her being in her 50's to find somebody else. I honestly really have no idea what it feels like and didn't really believe in it. Got my life story, how fun was that ride? Bottomline is though you really have to take a look at yourself and try to understand why you did these things. You can't take back what you did, your issues are excuses, but understanding these things will certainly help why and help you recognize from committing the same mistakes in the future. To become more self aware. I don't know about you, but my experience has transformed my reactions to anything I was oblivious in doing in the past. I'm not completely different, but I am more self aware of what I do.

"How long have you and her been apart now ? Honestly, how are you dealing with it now, are you still struggling ? Have you moved on, are you seeing other girls now ? Are you guys still in contact ?"

-She dumped me end of September 2009. I made all the panic mistakes of over calling her and texting her for a week after, and made this grand gesture to see her after she dumped me. I didn't accept it was over. This was my time to fight for what I now believed in. Of all the times I thought of to fight for us, of course it was when everything was far gone, and completely ****ed. It's a big red flag. It pretty much showed how selfish I was because I was the last person she probably wanted to see, even though she missed me. First weekend of October, I actually talked her into seeing me, but the whole time I spent saying "how much I changed, how much I realized, things are going to be different." etc. etc. Instead of calming down and having something fun for her to get excited about, it was completely about me and making more promises that I have been breaking our whole relationship. I was projecting this need that I couldn't be without her, and you can't imagine what more of a turn-off that would be. You should want to be with somebody because they make you more happy, not NEED them to be happy. That's about as selfish as you could get. Anyway, it made her more upset and she gave me all my stuff back and told me to take a hike.

It was sporadic contact over the next couple weeks. I drank alot one night and texted a friend about her after I sent a letter that ended with "No matter how things work out, everything will be alright." Said friend had a girlfriend that read his text and she was friends with my ex and ratted me out. I get an angry phone call about how I need to leave her and her friends alone and how I think I'm getting a second chance from her and all that. This is why you don't do anything at all when you are so emotionally screwed up, you are more likely to mess up then fix things. My explanations fell on deaf ears and the conversation ended with me saying "Everything will work out for both of us in the end. This is what you wanted and I can't wait around for it." It was just a power struggle, it was pressuring her into a broken relationship. You can imagine how well that worked. It didn't.

I get a phone call two weeks later, with her sounding really upset, but asking me for her brother's video game back. I say "Okay, I can get it back to you. How are you?" She says "Fine, how are you." with clear sounds of anger in her voice. It got awkward, I didn't feel the need to make small talk. Two weeks later, I emotionally broke down and asked to talk. I just sat there for an hour spilling my guts, why I was this, why I was that, why I still loved her. She took this opportunity to bash me, how I was ruining her life, how I was the reason her grades sucked and she didn't hang out with her friends and family, etc. This is where her immaturity showed: blaming me for things that were in her control. Anyway it ended with "I have a new boyfriend, he treats me right, we are taking it slow, everything is great." It was a kid she met when things were getting bad and they were hanging out the whole time during our break up. He was best friends with her best friends boyfriend. It was a perfect fit for them. That was it for me, I completely screwed up and lost everything.

Not to mention she is still at college and I graduated so it was a long distance thing to begin with. I was there for Halloween weekend and I get a text from her asking to hang out because she heard I was in town. I replied "Why?" and she replied with "Just thought it would be nice, forget about it then." as if I owed her friendliness. I never hung out with her. I was there the next weekend as well, stupidly thinking I could get her to talk to me again. I ran into her at the bar with her new boyfriend, her best friend, and her boyfriend. I was too intimidated, too hurt, and too in shock to even try to make a friendly conversation. I just ignored them the whole night. That was the last time I have seen her or talked to her.

Fast forward almost 7 months later and here I am. I still think about her every day, I dreamed about her as soon as a couple weeks ago, I still love her. I have come a long way though and have accepted that I ****ed up, and most people only get one shot, I shouldn't hold out for any reconciliation. The wait is brutal and draining, and not to mention if you are a sobbing mess when she comes to see you, she will not be attracted to you. The best you can do is do what you can to be the happy normal person you can be, so that it's possible to spark it back up again. I am going back to school to visit for Alumni weekend on May 1st and am shitting bricks dreading what will happen: How I will react? Can I get through a conversation with her? As far as I know and am concerned she is with that guy still and I am assuming they are very happy.

"If she came back and wanted to be with you, would you be able to accept her again and be in a relationship with her?"

- This question is so brutal for your mentality of moving forward. It's a fantasy, especially for a guy in my situation. It's not realistic. Why would she realistically want to be with somebody that treated her very badly, especially since any relationship after that would be much better? It's a long shot, a rare chance, and this would be years after us, just to see if I grew up or changed. But to answer you question, if she were to come back to me and ask me to jump into a relationship with her, I would have to say no. That's not how relationships start. You don't just jump out of the blue and ask "Will you be my boyfriend?". It takes dating to really determine if you are compatible and whether they make you feel that emotion that has no words to describe it: love. When years have passed and people change, how will I know that she hasn't changed into somebody I wouldn't be compatible with? Yeah, they probably won't change much at the core and she was incredibly good looking, so I probably wouldn't say no to dating. I couldn't just be with her again though with a snap of the fingers.


-----------------------Sorry for the novel. Happy reading. I hope it helps you.

- Colin aka C-Mac

[Lyrum]

Thanks again Colin, you've been a big help to my psych the last couple of days.

Again you make our situations even more similar throughout your last post. It even seemed like some of the events you had were identical to mine- you texted her and called her nonstop within the first week, I'm still doing it and we've been apart for almost two months. I can't let go man. Hearing her voice makes the pain go away and I would love to talk to her for days straight. I always need to know where she is, and I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know I should just give her space, let us both process things without having these interruptions, but it's outrageously difficult.

I think about her everyday, I do everything I can to take my mind off her- but when I'm laying in bed she's the only person I can think of, when I'm at work I keep imagining her walking through the door to come and see me.

I know it sounds like a fantasy, and I know my head is clouded...But when is the day that she runs through the door with tears in her eyes and her arms stretched out racing towards me, telling me she loves me. I want so bad for this to happen, like a fairytale almost... Totally not realistic I know but, god I would love for it to happen.

I've had a few times where I would spill my heart out to her, the most recent time I went on for hours about how I'm different, how this can work, how we should be together, and how much I loved her. Sounds almost identical to what you were saying. At the end I kind of gave her a "Be with me"- she responded with, "I can't be with you right now". I thought the world was coming to an end that day. In my head I pictured it, I spill my heart out to her, she understands and gets back with me. When that didn't happen my head just went out of control. After this I started to break down, she came over and held me, and told me she was sorry. She told me she was sorry because she knew she was hurting me. What a great girl, she stayed with me. I was shaking uncontrollably and she stayed right by my side. I felt the way I first felt when she broke up with me, I fooled myself into thinking I could change things, and was so confident that we would be back together that night.

I was mind blown at the fact your ex-girlfriend got upset with you and told you to take your things and leave. It really makes me feel for you bro, and I know this was awhile ago but it's heartbreaking for me even reading it. My ex probably should of done the same thing to me. She's a pretty amazing woman, even though I treated her, and the relationship like trash, she stayed with me.

Even now she's doing a great job of keeping me comfortable. She'll answer the phone late at night when I'm having a real hard time and she'll just talk to me. No matter how many times I text her and call her she never just puts her foot down and tells me to stop. It's weird I'm kind of expecting it...She's been there for me; man, I miss her.

I feel that if I continue to text and call I'll push her away, and that's the last thing I want to do. I just want her to know how I feel about her, I don't want to lose her. I feel that if I stop calling and texting she'll forget about me and move on. I constantly try to make plans with her, plans to hang out even though I know seeing me makes her uncomfortable. There's constantly a battle going on in my head, and it's emotionally exhausting. Here's what I want to do; I want to move on with my life, I want to stop texting and calling her and be able to control my feelings for her. I want to stop having these feelings of "Where is she, what is she doing" and just relax. She seems to be doing fine, and I'm proud of her for doing so. I just wish I could do the same.

Thanks for your help and words thus far Colin. I have to admit after I got home from work the first thing I checked was to see if you had another response. Your replies, words, and experiences are greatly appreciated.

[RuntimeError]

Hey bud here are my thought on your situation ... first off let me tell you that being love sick sucks but just remember we have all gone through it and you will make it through and you will be alright.

One you definatly do not want to go crazy with the calling and texting thing of it like a pushy sales men the harder you push the more they don't want to buy! Stop you have put put the mind set of ping pong into your head you hit the ball over and if she wants to play she will hit the ball back ... when she dosen't hit the ball back stop and wait acouple days if not until she hits the ball back. Trust me this is hard to "play the game" but you must if you want something to happen in a positive direction. Learn from my mistake ... rapid calling and texting pushes them away.

Two and probably the most important thing you can do is STOP saying sorry! You know what you did wrong and you said sorry DO NOT KEEP GOING OVER IT!!! You messed up, you recognized it, now learn from it don't do it again and move on. And if she can't accept your appoligy and move on I am not so sure she is the right one for you. Admin you were wrong, appolize, ask for forgivness, done move on!

Three as for the "needing space thing" this has always baffled me and pissed me off but girls are programmed differently then guys and where we may think what the hell do you need space for they think that clarity can be found in the "space". I don't really understand this but I have observed enough relationships to know there is no ryhme or reason if she wants to be with you she WILL and if she dosn't she WON'T. BOTTOM LINE POINT BLANK!

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get your girl back. If not you are going to be ok. Just take it easy on yourself.

One think that I never learned till now is Love can be the most beautiful thing but it can also be your worst nightmare ... Love will treat you how you treat it!

[Lyrum]

I hear ya Runtime, I can just imagine her feeling overwhelmed with the way I am pressuring her. I don't want to make her uncomfortable in an already troublesome situation. It's just extremely hard to do so, she's like my anti-drug. And I know it's all in my head, but right now she's my safe person, she's the one who makes the pain go away, and she's the one who makes me feel good even in a spot like this.

[lahnnabell]

Lyrum - I know that in your head you're thinking that if you stick around long enough and spill your guts enough that perhaps she'll find it in her good nature to give it another go. But I need to tell you what is going on with her now. She is very slowly closing you out. She's compartmentalizing you now and how she feels about you is changing. You went from being her romantic partner in crime to a little brother type that she feels she needs to care for. She may not even realize that this is happening, but I guarantee you she is not attracted to you in this state. She feels sorry and doesn't want you to hurt because she is a kind person. However, you two will be doing each other an huge favor if you cut off contact as soon as possible.

[cmacattack1]

" I know it sounds like a fantasy, and I know my head is clouded...But when is the day that she runs through the door with tears in her eyes and her arms stretched out racing towards me, telling me she loves me. I want so bad for this to happen, like a fairytale almost... Totally not realistic I know but, god I would love for it to happen."

-This is what my ex said after months of putting up with my bs. She gave me plenty of chances, and she even flat out told me what she wanted. "All I want is for you to come through that door, sweep me off my feet, tell me you love me and that you are sorry." I felt so awkward and weird for hearing that. My response was "Well now that you told me that, it kind of takes away the meaning of it." That was pretty much my response to anything beneficial she suggested to helps us fix this. It makes me sick looking back on it. Physically ill. I let my stubborness and my all around issues really get into the way of something that could have been a meaningful and happy lifetime commitment. But as I mentioned before, if it took coming to this point to get me really moving, I wasn't mature enough for the relationship. Every relationship has it's issues, and it's ups and downs, but I think how you deal with those things really says alot about your character and if you are committed to the relationship. Plain and simple: I couldn't deal and I wasn't committed enough. I'll never forget her saying to me "I was stupid to think that you would change." And you want to know what? She was right. She was stupid and naive to think I would. I maybe took a little bit of her innocence by putting her through the emotional ringer of what she went through, but I certainly hope she learned a little bit about relationships and maybe took her head out of the clouds about how real it is and can be. She grew up in a perfect family, parents that met in college, fell in love and have this perfect nuclear family. My family was anything but that. You can see the difference in our attitudes and really understand how and why we acted. Still it doesn't really bail me out from how I acted, but it makes sense.

"I felt the way I first felt when she broke up with me, I fooled myself into thinking I could change things, and was so confident that we would be back together that night."

- It certainly is wrong to feel this way. To think that we could just guilt them into getting back with us because we know that part of them still cares about us is in a way selfish and manipulative. It's taking advantage of that bond we established to lure them into something that is broken again. I did the same thing. After all the hell I put her through, she still felt horrible leaving me and still felt terrible about doing it. And I tried to capitalize on it. I'm not saying this is uncommon and I'm not saying you are a bad guy. You clearly care and she means alot to you. That's why you are here at this website. But if they want to be apart, it's only logical that we let them. They expect us to be miserable without them, they expect us to beg and try to win them over again. It's typical behavior. Imagine how spooked she would be if you just fell off the face of the planet after she broke up with you. It would be different and it would leave her to really face the reality of what she just did. Not that it matters now but it's just something to think about, because experience is certainly everything for your future. Be it with her or somebody else.

"I feel that if I continue to text and call I'll push her away, and that's the last thing I want to do. I just want her to know how I feel about her, I don't want to lose her. I feel that if I stop calling and texting she'll forget about me and move on. I constantly try to make plans with her, plans to hang out even though I know seeing me makes her uncomfortable. There's constantly a battle going on in my head, and it's emotionally exhausting. Here's what I want to do; I want to move on with my life, I want to stop texting and calling her and be able to control my feelings for her. I want to stop having these feelings of "Where is she, what is she doing" and just relax. She seems to be doing fine, and I'm proud of her for doing so. I just wish I could do the same."

- I felt the exact same way. You don't know what your chances are of reconciliation, so I think a part of you in a way wants to really push them to the point where they are like "That's it, I can't handle this anymore, I never want to see you again." Then you'd know that there isn't anything else you can do, and in a way it would be a relief. A burden off our shoulders. If you really love this person and don't want to lose them, this is the wrong thing to do. Forever is a long time, and it's very short sighted to want to push them to this point. Because you will do anything to just end the pain. To take the pain away. You really have to learn how to suck it up and just soldier through this on your own. If there is anything she has left feeling for you, it won't just go away. I promise you. If you leave her with a little feeling, it's certainly better than squeezing it out of her and leaving her completely exhausted with nothing left. She certainly is a trooper to put up with everything and catering to you when she may seem fine, but is more likely very miserable and more than likely doing this because she feels bad. She can't be happy to be in this relationship purgatory she is in. But to think that it would help you guys get back on the right track is insanity. I really think she is going to be keeping her options open and if somebody else came along, eventually she'd be thinking about herself and pursue that. And your support system that you've been leaning on all this time is gone. It'll be like the break up happened all over again, only this time she'd be leaving you for somebody else. Really twisting the knife.

I know it might be scary dealing with it all on your own instead of going to her to help you feel better, but I think it's better for the both of you. These last six months have been an up and down struggle for me, I still hit rough patches. Actually it's been seven...time is already flying by a little faster. I have tried dating a few times but it ultimately fizzled out because I don't know if I was ready. My confidence is certainly in the shitter and it doesn't make things any easier. On top of the fact that I'm 23 living at home. I work full time and take online classes on the side. It's not like I'm at college really partying it up and meeting new people all the time. My ex is and it was easy for her to meet somebody else. It doesn't seem fair being this far along and seemingly stuck on it while she's living "happily ever after", but it is what it is. If she is happy with her new guy, who am I to step in the way of that? It would just be me continuing to prove to her how selfish I was. I already pushed her away into the arms of this guy, why continue to hammer it home? I remember her ex calling her and texting her and showing up to her house while we were dating. I'm sure it was an ego boost for her but it didn't make her want to be with him anymore. Simply accepting that there isn't much you can do and leaving her be is the only way you guys can both be on the road for recovery.

Yeah, things are ugly right now and the hurt is there but time does help heal it and I do feel a little better every day, even after pushing through the rough patches on my own. Forever is a long time and you never know where you will be in a couple years. Every day you are apart she will have the chance of running into Mister Right and having her swoop her off her feet. That is very possible, yes. Is it likely? No. I'm not telling you to wait around but it's been a couple months and it hasn't really been that long of a time looking in the big picture. If I knew I was going to be back together with my ex five years down the road for life, and these next five years would be pure agony, I would happily go through that because it would work out in the long run. It's not the end of the world and you will be alright. You are already a more mature and more experience person coming out of this. Remember that while you want her in your life to enrich it and make you more happy, you do not need her in your life to be happy. It is possible to be happy with somebody else.

You said it yourself. She is your anti-drug. She is the only person on this planet that can make you feel better. And she may still be there to but do not think it will be forever. Keeping her in your system and trying your best to talk to her and keep her thinking about you is just hurting you. It's funny how I remember when my ex was bothering me all the time when we were dating, I did my best to try and block her out. When she stopped, she was all I thought about. She isn't going to forget about you, you will always have a little piece of her. You will continue to be on her mind until she dates somebody else, you are the last guy. You even will be at times when she dates somebody else, there will always be some little thing, song, picture, or whatever that reminds her of you. The future is very uncertain and it's scary to think she could find somebody and be gone for good. Whatever happens, happens and if that's how it works out, there isn't much you can do. You have your own life to live, it's up to you make the most of it. Almost anybody will tell you life is too short to waste. I'm not saying what you are doing is a waste, fighting for a girl you care about, but all the energy and emotion you are putting towards this, more than likely opportunities are passing you by and other parts of your life are suffering.

The right mentality to get yourself into is to get yourself out of thinking about how you can win her back and get back together, and more about how you can improve and make your life better. Doing fun things, hanging with your friends, going to the gym to get in better shape. Concentrating on going back to school or working towards promotions at your job (if that is what you want for a career). This thing takes time and it's daunting I know. I'm not going to lie and tell you the road ahead is smooth. You are doing this for both of you. You to improve yourself and giving her the space she needs to get her own life on track. I can't think of a more selfless thing. It's funny how things happen when you least expect it, and if she were to get into a miserable relationship and come out of it feeling that crap again, guess who is going to look better in comparison? You. And if enough time has passed, the contrast of how much you have grown up and matured from the last time you talked will be all more powerful.

[Kyouhen]

Cmac and Lyrum, if it is alright could I add you as friends, our situations are uncannily similar, and I think talking with you guys could help in general

The general thing that I feel gets to me about this, is the intense paranoia and insecurity that comes with this, the lonely nights filled with your suspicions and doubts, it's painful.

I think we all can change and grow, but I don't think anyone has ever emphasized how painful and how much you have to deal with, when doing this sort of thing.

I think the difference between myself and your stories, is that mine was my first love...

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, you can man. And I believe my story was about my first love. I just have this weird way of pushing people away, and I don't think I realized how much I cared until she left. But my relationship with her was as close as I have ever gotten to really caring about somebody. I never experienced this feeling like I have with past girlfriends, if I did I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am now. I would have really learned my lesson the first time.

[Kyouhen]

My apologies, I didn't intend my comment to be insensitive, but I see what you mean.

How long did it take you to rebuild yourself to a more stable position, after the initial break up?

I ask because I been away from my now ex due to a trip, and the relationship ended through long distance, and I have yet to see her, I understand this works for us through healing and moving forward, and also hurts. But the sense of closure has yet to be fully made for me, because I have no clue what is truly happening at the moment...I am returning this summer.

I believe she made the right choice in leaving me, but the pain and the longing are still there...

[bluesummer]

Truth is, I have been here a couple of times. Started dating a guy who was wonderful and thought the sun rose and set on my head. We'd move in together and then a year or two down the line he was taking me for granted and treating me like a dick. In some cases, cheating. They never wanted to break up but they became too familiar, treating me like some male college rommmate, while I remained devoted and nice and tried everything to make them treat me better again. Nothing worked, we'd break up. Later, they'd be calling, crying, telling me how they'd been jerks and I was the best thing that ever happened to them. That they'd taken me for granted. They'd changed, they were becoming the person they should've been when we were together. Same old story, always.

Here's the thing: after you break up and you realize how much better things are with them gone, you really don't want them back. It doesn't matter if they've morphed into everything you've wanted them to be, you're just happy they're gone. They turn into a bad memory. Seeing them reminds you of your unhappy times together. Nothing they can do positive in the future will ever erase the fact they made you hurt and treated you like trash in the past. You move on.

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting to get your girl back. You might, if she's young and still believes you have the capacity to morph into a totally different person, but most girls won't bother. The hook up may have just been that. A way of connecting with old feelings without having the responsibility of a relationship.

The reality is, eventually they realize that it's much better to find someone that treats them good consistently, than try and fix one that didn't.

[cmacattack1]

Here's the thing: after you break up and you realize how much better things are with them gone, you really don't want them back. It doesn't matter if they've morphed into everything you've wanted them to be, you're just happy they're gone. They turn into a bad memory. Seeing them reminds you of your unhappy times together. Nothing they can do positive in the future will ever erase the fact they made you hurt and treated you like trash in the past. You move on.

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting to get your girl back. You might, if she's young and still believes you have the capacity to morph into a totally different person, but most girls won't bother. The hook up may have just been that. A way of connecting with old feelings without having the responsibility of a relationship.

The reality is, eventually they realize that it's much better to find someone that treats them good consistently, than try and fix one that didn't.

Aye. It's a tough pill to swallow. We never want to accept the fact that we got our one shot and blew it. We don't want to believe that the feeling we have now and the ability we think we have now doesn't matter.