I blew it.

[Lyrum]

Hey LF, after lurking on here for several hours I decided to make a thread of my own. Everyone here seems very down to earth, which is definitely a change from 99% of the rest of the web. So here's my story- any replies whether it be comments, questions, support, or help is greatly appreciated.

Me and my girlfriend had been together for three years. During our first year we were together we were absolutely in love, we wanted to spend every minute together and were quite frankly obsessed. About six months in, her parents figured out she was staying the night at my house and being the religious nuts that they are- they gave her the boot. She had no where to go, she was only 18, and couldn't support herself.

Here's where I come in, I'm living with my parents, 20 years old, no job, no car. She was the only thing going for me at this point in my life. After a few days of begging with my parents, they decided to let her stay with me.

At this point in the relationship we're now living together. It was a lot like Mama's Family- my mom and dad upstairs and her and I living in the basement with our own things. It was very much like an apartment, so we had our own privacy (for the most part)

Now two years go on after we're living together and things are slowing down. We're now treating each other more like friends than partners. All of the adventures that we went on and fun dates we had early in the relationship just came to a halt. It was like this for a few months until finally she had the 'talk' with me.

She told me she fell out of love with me, that I wasn't treating her like how she wanted to be treated and that it would be the best for both of us if we break up. At this point my mind was blown, I didn't really see it coming, I just thought she would always be there and when this happened I was crushed.

I went through a few cycles: sadness, anger, bitterness, frustration and the list goes on. I couldn't figure out why she broke up with me. I thought I was the greatest guy in the world, fun to be around, a great boyfriend, and I sincerely thought she was the one I was going to be with forever. I told her I still wanted to be friends because in no way did I want her out of my life. We had too many great times, too many memories.

We've been broken up for a month now.

A few weeks after the breakup I started to see things more clearly. I realized how I was treating her, it was like a third person view of my life. I did treat her poorly, and I took her for granted. I thought she would always be with me no matter what and when this happened it really opened my eyes. I didn't pay attention to her, I put my Xbox and my friends in front of her, we stopped going on dates because I just didn't have the drive. She had every right to break up with me, I was the jackass that every guy hates. The jackass who has a beautiful, caring, supporting girlfriend, and treated her like dirt. I hate that guy, I don't want to be that guy- and I hated myself for it.

So all of these thoughts are going through my head, I messed up, the last year of our relationship was just a coast. Doing things through obligation, there was no fire, not even a spark. She tried but I pushed her away. I would tease her and make fun of her for my own sick enjoyment. I got pleasure getting a reaction out of her, it made me feel like she really cared when I made her upset, but jesus christ, what an awful way to go about doing things.

I've never had these feelings before. I had something so great and foolishly let it go.

I told her about my epiphany on the phone the other night and she broke into tears, I continued to tell her how I messed up. After she was done crying she began screaming at me, saying things like, "Why did it take you so long to realize this" and "It took me breaking up with you to realize you were being a dick".

I couldn't say sorry enough times to her that night, I could see everything so clearly. We talk on the phone almost nightly and every night I slip out an "I love you". She doesn't respond. I love her, I'm in love with her- I see what I've done and so much of my attitude has changed since this happened.

So here we are. At this moment I'm staring at my phone waiting for her to respond to my text. I can't stop thinking about her, I've tried to distract myself and move my life forward without her, but she's the girl I want to be with. I could go on and on about how amazing she is but that's for another time.

I'm madly in love with her, and I would love to have her back in my life. She says she needs her space, and I'm worried I'm being bothersome by calling and texting her so often. So much has happened in the past few years that no way can I get the most important parts down on this post, hopefully you get the majority of it. Again, if you have any comments or questions please do reply.

[lahnnabell]

Paging Dr. Cmac!! He knows your situation like no other person on here.

And yes, cut down on the calling and texting before you do something rash. It's only aiding in pushing her away. Cmac will see this thread tomorrow, I'm sure. I could relay his story for you, but he has his own well-thought out manner of telling it.

[Kyouhen]

I would love to hear a reply as well, I am going through this, but I made the mistake of being crazy and obsessed...and now I'm the jackass loser crazy ex bf...

Give her, her space, you may feel like your losing her, but she needs time to think, and you need time to pull yourself together

[starbuck]

Agree with Lahna about cutting back on texting her/calling her. At this point, she knows that you love her so the ball is in her court. She has asked for space, so the polite thing to do here is give it to her. It's really the only way to win any kind of respect from her at this point.

I think you also have to face the reality that she may not ever get back together with you. The damage could be done. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and try not to take your next girlfriend for granted.

[BubbleFreak]

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in, for both of you. I don't know if she still has any hope in a relationship with you, or if she would take you back... but I guess it wouldn't hurt if you did/made something nice for her that you know would make her smile, but something that doesn't involve actually seeing her again before she is ready. Definitely listen to her about needing space, in time she may forgive you.

I know this sounds weird, but if my boyfriend ever did anything to hurt me so bad but I knew he was genuinely sorry, something that would help me to forgive him would be if he did something really strange but uniquely wonderful like put some goldfish in my pond, and I could gaze at them whenever I wanted to, and contemplate and then begin to remember again the better times we had together. Hypothetical ofcourse.

[Teddy057]

Yeah man, you need to give her time. My gf just broke up with me because she needs "time" to figure out what she really wants.. I treated her like a princess though, never a jerk. These past two weeks have been the hardest two weeks of my life, I haven't heard from her in 5 days. Last week she called me crying, only because she needed someone to talk to, because we were each others bestfriends... So, just give her time, I would say a solid week or two of no communication. If you don't hear from her by then, it might be time to move on.

[starbuck]

That's not a bad idea, Bubble. Perhaps he could make one last gesture like sending her a bouquet of flowers with a card saying that he'll give her the space she needs, but will be there for her if she changes her mind. And then, leave it at that.

[Lyrum]

Thanks for the replies guys.

It sounds so easy on paper, giving her space. I would love to just distract myself for a few weeks without having her on my mind, but it seems absolutely impossible. I can't stop staring at my phone waiting for her to text me, I can't stop thinking about her, I lost all concentration at work because she's always on my mind.

I've pushed other girls away that were interested in me because I still feel that bond with my ex. I feel like I'm being disloyal to her by flirting with other girls, even when we aren't together.

I've lived with her for almost three years, it's such a huge adjustment being by myself- I miss my partner, I miss waking up by her and falling asleep by her. I've been having dreams just about every night with her in them.

Now that she isn't there my feelings for her are now off the charts.

Stay tuned, after I let my dog out, shower, eat, I have a curveball in my story. So, brb ?

[Lyrum]

Now this will make things interesting.

About a week ago she invited me over to see where she's staying at. It was the first time I actually saw her since our break up. We decided to watch a movie and just talk.

We talked about how we felt, our feelings toward each other and what we really wanted. We started talking about how good we used to make each other feel, meanwhile I continued to inch closer to her. She looked at me with 'those eyes' and for the next hour it was absolute bliss. Everything clicked, it felt like we were back together, our bodies were linked and we couldn't stop kissing.

Clothes started to come off and she asked me if I wanted to go to her bedroom. My mind was on cloud 9 and I could never say no to her. We had some of the best sex on the planet that night. All of our emotions, sexual tension, and frustration came out and the sex was absolutely amazing. Afterward we snuggled, held each other, and kissed. This is exactly how it was supposed to be, this is how I wanted it to be.

I left her house that night still floating like I just went on my first date, fell asleep and woke up the next morning. I felt sick, I knew what happened didn't change anything- it was an unbelievable night but in no way did it change our future together. I know she still has feelings for me, they're just different then how they were in the beginning.

We talked on the phone about what happened, talked about how great it was, and what a bad idea it was. The bond that we were losing in the month of breaking up started to come back. I told her I didn't think it was a mistake, but she insisted that we don't see each other for awhile so she can regain her independence.

She claims it was "just sex" but I know it was more than that. So much more went into it, she showed emotion before and afterward that proved it wasn't "just sex" but I think she wants to be that 'strong woman' so she keeps masking her true feelings.

And here I am now, missing her as usual, thinking about her and getting ready to go into work.

[Gigabitch]

Okay, you've conveyed to her that you miss her and that you're sorry, sorry, sorry, but what have you done to show her that things would be any different if she took you back? Maybe that's all she's looking for, some concrete evidence that you've actually had a life-changing epiphany, not just a crappy month because you got dumped.

Are you still living in your parents basement? Do you have a job? A car? Have you thought about selling your Xbox? I'll bet she hates that thing.

[Kyouhen]

dude sell your xbox, that thing is only good for you when your single, or if your girl is a hardcore gamer like you, that thing eats your life (has one as well)

[Lyrum]

Sounds like some of you have been here before !

With her at my side I got a job, got my license, and moved further in my life than I have the previous years. When we broke up, I got my first car, promoted at my job, and now I'm much more social with family members that I haven't talked to in years.

It's funny you say things like that because she loves to hear that I'm doing good and things I'm improving on. I've done a lot and it feels good, I feel that she's the part of my life that's missing now- I feel if I had her back then we can rule the world together.

She says she doesn't want to get back because then she feels the progress we've made while being single will come to a halt, she also feels that she's finding herself in the process. It's kind of scary, what if she realizes she doesn't need/want me ? I agree with it for the most part, I don't want to fall back in just because it's comfortable, and she feels the same way.

I know I should give her- her space. It's just.....so difficult. I know a lot of you understand.

[Kyouhen]

I find that the lonliness, and the lost ability to share much of your life happily with someone else is the most crushing, having to console and hold yourself together by yourself, it's difficult, still is

[cmacattack1]

Sounds like some of you have been here before !

With her at my side I got a job, got my license, and moved further in my life than I have the previous years. When we broke up, I got my first car, promoted at my job, and now I'm much more social with family members that I haven't talked to in years.

It's funny you say things like that because she loves to hear that I'm doing good and things I'm improving on. I've done a lot and it feels good, I feel that she's the part of my life that's missing now- I feel if I had her back then we can rule the world together.

She says she doesn't want to get back because then she feels the progress we've made while being single will come to a halt, she also feels that she's finding herself in the process. It's kind of scary, what if she realizes she doesn't need/want me ? I agree with it for the most part, I don't want to fall back in just because it's comfortable, and she feels the same way.

I know I should give her- her space. It's just.....so difficult. I know a lot of you understand.

I certainly understand the difficulty of giving her space. You feel like every day she is apart she will care less and less about you, she will find somebody else and some guy will come along and take her away to paradise and you will be left with all your "I should have done this, now I would have done that." But this is what she wants and you have to respect that. Do whatever you can to try and take your mind off of her, even if she isn't really leaving your mind.

You guys are on a good note so it's not a horrible situation. You guys are talking about how you feel and you are talking about the improvements you have made. I think she makes a GREAT point when she says she doesn't want to get back together again to halt all the progress you guys have made. As Giga said before, what's the say you won't revert again to your old ways? You can say sorry and promise and show all these things, but it seems like you are trying so hard to prove to her that you are better and improving. Trying too hard doesn't really prove much does it? If you were really changed, I think she would recognize it in your actions and how you speak. You wouldn't have to prove it, ya know? I think she is a smart girl with a very level head on her shoulders to not give in to your initial advances.

To have to break up to get you motivated to be a good boyfriend again shows your immaturity in relationships, but it was necessary to really wake you up. You make it sound like she didn't warn you, that it was out of the blue. Are you doing all this improvement for her, or for yourself? If you are doing it for her, you are more than likely going to lose your motivation if you do have her back in the future, or even if you don't. Just something to think about.

Just because you guys had this great reconnection and everything felt perfect that one night, let's not think that everything is back in your court here. She knows she can have you whenever she wants you to, I wouldn't be surprised if she is keeping her options open just in case. She may have feelings for you, but there is alot of hurt and probably some resentment in there still as well. Your history is both working for you and agasint you here. Keep in mind that everytime you pop up in her thoughts, her phone from a text or phone call, you will be reminding her of the guy that failed and hurt her.

If you leave her be, you can help her heal from the wounds you left behind so she has good memories left and have her miss you. Either way, if you have her best interests at heart here, try your best to put yours second and give her what she wants. Talking to her now because you are afraid or scared and can't help yourself would be selfish. Keep reminding yourself that. And you are on a roll, you are moving forward in job, car and life and you are going places. Focus on that. You are improving, you are becoming a better person. However, the progress you need is far from over and your situation is not a guarentee. I think that's where the nervousness is coming in...

It's really out of your hands. You do control your own destiny in a way but not in terms of whether she would like to be with you or not. That's really up to her. If she wants to, I think it's safe to say how she feels. Don't try to fool yourself into thinking you can muscle and play the bond card to get her into a relationship again. It's going to need alot of her moving towards you. I know you feel like it's up to you to make up and redeem yourself but it's only if she wants to give you a shot to redeem yourself.

[Kyouhen]

Thank you for writing that cmac, I needed to hear that