Does Your S.O. Ever Feel Unappreciated?

[Junket]

Sometimes my g/f gets into these bouts where she feels unappreciated, or taken for granted, or I don't know, "not special". Which is very often silly because I go out of my way to do things for her on a regular basis. Buy her her favorite foods, or take her out, compliment the way she dresses, make her coffee, kiss her every morning before I leave, listen to her rant about work.

In fact, I often have to keep a mental note of the things I've done because suddenly one day she'll ask me stupid questions like "do you think we're fundamentally incompatible?"

Like..."what?" Where the hell did that come from?

Problem is, her being a girl, and I can't just shrug her off and tell her she's being ridiculous because then she'll feel like she's being ignored. It's like sometimes I feel like I'm dating someone with Alzheimers. Like she just forgets everything that I do and say. Once I remind her she comes around pretty quickly like, "oh yeah!".

I don't know this past weekend she kinda went into it again, when she said, "you're from the north, I'm from the south, you're more liberal on things, I'm more conservative on other things, I'm old, you're young-"

I mean talk about a confidence shaker.

I try not to show it, but it really gets to me sometimes, makes me start to question the relationship too. Which is dangerous because my male mind doesn't need to be tempted with an easy exit.

Is this a common insecurity amongst women in long term relationships?

Or just mine?

[misombra]

i think it's common. relationships are filled with ups and downs and she's probably having a down time. sometimes things start to feel boring and i guess normal.

she'll get past it. don't you feel that way sometimes?

[lahnnabell]

You say it's like she forgets the things you say? Well, think of it this way... Some people treat love and affection like a drug. We get a compliment and it makes our day better. We ride high on it for a little while, but there is always a bit of a crash on the end when some sort of reality sets in.

My boyfriend has been away since January. I find that when we have a great conversation it makes me feel good inside. That the relationship is progressing and our feelings are growing deeper and stronger. Then there will be a day when we have to reschedule Skyping. And then again. Then he's busy watching the Red Sox games (die hard fan). Whatever positive results came out of our last conversation begin to fade, and separation anxiety sets back in. Maybe I begin to wonder if he's avoiding me. Or I become really stupid and question why he responded to his classmate's photo on Facebook, but not to the message I sent him.

I can be really neurotic, but what I've realized is that those insecurities are MINE. They are born from my own head and my own anxiety. They are not the source of something he did wrong. It comes down to whether or not I am confident enough to stand on my own without his constant approval and affection. Yes, I love his attention, but I don't NEED it to be who I am which is an incredibly capable and strong woman. And I know those are the qualities he loves about me. If I were to whine and grovel for attention all the time, I wouldn't be holding to my own personal standards, and it would most certainly frustrate him (as this situation of yours frustrates you).

I feel that while it is okay to want reminders about your affection for someone, or to test the strength of the bond, I don't believe it is right for someone to expect their significant other to be their constant source of inspiration to survive. Sounds like she's gotten used to a certain level of comfort in the relationship, and when something changes slightly she takes that to mean that your feelings for her have changed in some way. If I begin to hear myself questioning the bond I have with my boyfriend because he didn't say "I love you" in the "right way", I give myself a mental time-out. I don't want to be that girl that upsets the balance with her own personal insecurities. How I feel about myself is not his responsibility.

[BubbleFreak]

This problem is common among my friends, and I have sometimes felt underappreciated too. Whenever I have felt this way I have brought it up with my boyfriend, and he has always tried his best to make me feel better. I put a lot into the relationship and sometimes I forget what he does. I find it is because I appreciate all the little things on a regular basis whereas he likes to do bigger things to show his appreciation for me on a not so regular basis.

[Junket]

This problem is common among my friends, and I have sometimes felt underappreciated too. Whenever I have felt this way I have brought it up with my boyfriend, and he has always tried his best to make me feel better. I put a lot into the relationship and sometimes I forget what he does. I find it is because I appreciate all the little things on a regular basis whereas he likes to do bigger things to show his appreciation for me on a not so regular basis.

I'm aware of the kind of point system that works between men and women.

Women kinda apply a +1 point system, where in most cases, no matter what it is a guy does, he still only gets +1, when he thinks he's getting +50.

Likewise, women think men think the same way, and try to do all these little things which only cost +1, and she may not realize she's only getting +0, because he's waiting for that +100 to get hyped over.

We learned about this about 2 years ago, which is why I find these occurrences to be troublesome.

[BubbleFreak]

I learnt about that from reading Gary Chapman's book Five Love Languages. Unfortunately I accidentally borrowed the "Men's edition", but at least I got to read it in a way to understand from the male perspective

Yeah it would be frustrating when you are doing things she would appreciate but then she constantly forgets. Maybe she does want more though, and in that way you two are incompatible, because she wants more attention than what you may think is reasonable.

Have you told her how you feel about all this?

[vashti]

Maybe she does this for her own state of mind, and not yours. She IS a few years older, and at an age where it is normal to think about babies and marriage, and you aren't. Maybe she is just trying to rationalize this reality.

[Junket]

Maybe she does this for her own state of mind, and not yours. She IS a few years older, and at an age where it is normal to think about babies and marriage, and you aren't. Maybe she is just trying to rationalize this reality.

That could be valid.

We'll be 28 and 24 in May...

[Gigabitch]

It would be nice to know what she means by "appreciated". What you've described sounds like appreciation to me, but maybe she's looking for something else. I wish you could just ask her.

[Junket]

It would be nice to know what she means by "appreciated". What you've described sounds like appreciation to me, but maybe she's looking for something else. I wish you could just ask her.

Well maybe "appreciation" is just one part of it, and not a good word to describe the entire situation.

Regardless, it's her insecurity that really bothers me, because it reminds me of when we first started dating she would ask similar questions, and I had to push on with overly confident, verging cocky responses so that she would feel confident in our relationship, all the while, leaving me shaken.

[Gigabitch]

I agree that her comments are destructive. They're like rust- eating away at the foundation of your relationship.

[Junket]

I agree that her comments are destructive. They're like rust- eating away at the foundation of your relationship.

It's also beginning to make me nervous about our split up, soon.

Our plans are to move to Philadelphia, but she wants to stay with her family in Texas for a bit first.

This works out because this will allow me to stay at my dad's rent free while I look for a job and an apartment with our future roommate (my old buddy).

Thing is, she's also talking about maybe having a place of her own, separate from us because she said she enjoys living by herself, and she's not enthused about living with two 24 year olds who love their videogames.

That's got me a bit weirded out, and she's also torn.

That just seems weird, I mean, financially it doesn't make sense, and while I understand she likes to have her alone time (always has), it seems kind of backwards to go from living together, to living separately.

EDIT: I'll admit it seems kind of thrilling to live in a bit of a bachelor pad, but...at the same time, that also doesn't seem appropriate to me, ugh.

[misombra]

why are you all moving back? i don't think i could blame her for thinking about other things.

[starbuck]

When she says these things to you about being incompatible, do they come out of the blue? Or after arguments?

[EnjoyingLife]

It sounds like she is doubting the relationship and thinking of other options, sorry to say that. I only say this because this is exactly what I do when I am bored in a relationship and thinking of ending it. You tend to subconsciously push the guy away by making comments like this and starting petty fights. I hope this is not the case and it works out for you.