Drinking Too Much?

[Saga]

My boyfriend has had some bad problems with alcoholism in the past. He says he has liver damage but it won't affect him "until he's older." Every time he hangs out with friends, he drinks, and he also does sometimes when he's alone and when I'm there (we're in a long-distance relationship so I'm only there about once or twice a month). So, I guess my question to you guys is, do guys ALWAYS drink when they hang out with each other? He gets annoyed that I worry but I can't help it. I feel like he's slowly killing himself with each beer. I drink occasionally too but I've never had any major problems related to alcohol and he doesn't mind my drinking. But I have told him several times that it bothers me and he still does it and tells me not to bent out of shape over nothing. I mean, of course I want him to go out and have fun with his friends, but is drinking all guys do? Am I overreacting or do I maybe have a valid reason to be kind of concerned?

[Aeradalia]

Not all guys drink... just like not all women drink... it's really an individual thing.

However, it sounds like your bf is bordering on alcoholism.

[dewilliams2]

I don't get how he could have liver damage and it not affect him now...I mean liver damage is liver damage...it doesn't have a date on it as to when it gives you problems.

Nah not all guys always drink with each other when they hang out.

[dono01]

The real question here is how much are they drinking? I mean, I drink almost any time the "doods" are over, but it might consist of only 2 beers. The real question is how smashed to they fell they need to get?

[vashti]

It takes a LOT of alcohol to cause liver damage, and I mean regular, excessive use. He isn't BORDERING on alcoholism - he is already there. Trust me when I say that this is going to get REALLY ugly for him, and for anyone else that is connected to him. Why do you think the families of alcoholics often have to separate themselves from the drunk?

I STRONGLY suggest you explore why you would put yourself in a position to willingly make that part of your life. Are you incapable of finding an emotionally healthy guy?

For the record - I deal with a lot of detoxing patients, both from alcohol and drug addictions. They are absolutely disgusting.

[sehvral]

I don't drink at all, but my friends having a beer or two isn't uncommon when we get together. From what you've said it sounds like he's going a bit overboard. When you start drinking a lot by yourself, then you're starting to look at dependency issues. One beer to unwind at night is not something to worry about, a six-pack is.

[Saga]

Thank you all for your responses. I am actually surprised that all of you have agreed with me. I was honestly expecting some "oh lay off him! just let him have a good time!" responses. And yes, I would not worry about 1 or 2 beers...but I just got off the phone with him...he had 8! I figured as much...it's NEVER 1 or 2 unless he HAS to drive...at least he is staying at his friend's house.

We had a bitter conversation and he is very annoyed/angry that I am angry (not yelling angry-I generally don't yell when I am mad but maybe I need to). He again said "I'm overreacting and that he treats me right, he doesn't cost me anything, doesn't hurt me, and what more do I want from a guy?" He does treat me well and I really do appreciate that. Also, he claims that yes things were bad in the past but now I'm worrying about nothing. *sigh* I dunno. I do think of the future and what can happen if this continues. We are in our early 20's and considering possible marriage in the future, but I've told them that despite how well he treats me this is one thing that is making me question the relationship. He said he has a life to live and he's gonna live it. Kind of like I am hindering him with my worrying. I even said, and I quote: "I'm not worrying about you to be a bitch- I'm worrying because I'm worried about your health." Sorry if this is gross, but LAST WEEK when I was there he was puking up blood and promised his drinking days were over...yet I am still overreacting and I "just need to have faith in him."

I'm willing to help him any way I can...I've offered more than once to go to AA meetings with him but we've conveniently never gone (he's very stubborn). Although I do suggest drinking sometimes when I am there, but he says that doesn't bother him, but am I wrong for bringing alcohol into the house around him? I guess I know that he is protective, and usually if I drink until I'm buzzed or drunk, he drinks less or doesn't at all, esp if we're out. But that's only once every month or two, if that.

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means...if you check out my first thread you'll see what I did to shake things up, but he's compared my having fetishes to his alcoholism because they are both "self-destructive and addictions." I'll admit I took things too far, but since that post things have been better in that area. I don't think the two are comparable though.

[dono01]

Get rid of him NOW.

My brother in law is an alcoholic... he is young, he just turned 19 years old a few months ago. He drinks between 30 and 50 beers a day, on a good day it's 24. He's a self destructive idiot, who's father is also an alcoholic with liver damage and has almost died twice now. Yet his son is still drinking himself to death. Bottom line is alcoholics do NOT have the capacity to think straight on their own.

Source: myself, former drug addict.

[misombra]

i have a friend that was a total alcoholic for years. she would drink and do all kinds of stupid crap. she's been off alcohol for about a year now and i think all the drinking gave her permanent brain damage.

she still does all kinds of stupid crap even without the drinking thing. permabuzz or something.

[sehvral]

Well, suggesting drinking is enabling, to some extent.

The unfortunate truth is that if an alcoholic stops drinking, his SO has to stop as well if he's ever gonna stay sober. Even if you go out drinking, the very smell of beer on your breath when you get home can have a huge effect.

Now, it sounds like he isn't ready to give it up. You have a tough choice to make here. In his current state, he isn't husband material, and certainly not father material. Do you want to gamble a few years on something that may or may not change? Most addicts can't stop until they hit bottom, and at his age he's probably several years away from that.

[Illusional]

i drink about every other day,.... and for the most part, i'm not alone. drinking alone isn't all that bad though...

raverboy

[doppelgaenger]

He is an alcoholic. Are all guys alcoholics?

Why are you with an alcoholic? Can't you do better than that?

[Illusional]

you can always date me instead....


raverboy

[doppelgaenger]

go date illusional.

[unlit]

As the daughter and ex-girlfriend of an alcoholic, if you're going to stick around, be prepared to be experience a lot of ... problems. It doesn't sound like his alcoholism problems are in the past. Sounds like they're very much present. And if he KNOWS he's going to have health problems in the future, if he's been assured of this, but he continues to drink, that's a red-flag. It doesn't show that he has much consideration for a healthy future, with or without you.

Not all men that I know drink when they're out or with friends. Sometimes I'll offer my bf a drink when he comes over for dinner, and he'd rather have a soda. An active alcoholic will never turn down the opportunity. Unless he's trying to convince people that he's not active, not drinking, and/or not an alcoholic.