He could care less if he ever has sex again???

[InLoveTrouble]

Well, I'm back with a related, but a new problem. Recently I posted about an emotionless fiancé and things seemed to have been getting better. I have a raging amount of hormones that send my sex drive uncontrollably through the roof. He simply can't keep up. He is either unwilling or uninterested in making sure it's fulfilled. About 10 hours ago we were in bed having the best sex ever and due to a headache getting worse by the minute he said he would definitely finish it later.

We go to bed about 2 hours ago and are cuddling and what I thought was getting close. He was caressing me and talking about how much he loves me. Well, I made the comment of how every time we get close he makes my heart beat faster and he even put his head on my chest and felt and heard it beating 90 to nothing. Just as I went to initiate and ask him if he felt like making love, he said no. I mean, everything such as emotions were in place when he stated, "no." I then felt neglected, humiliated and angry at the same time. I wanted to pack and walk out the door. I ask him how he felt about sex and he said he didn't need it. Before y'all jump to conclusions, I know he is faithful. We've already went those rounds before.

So, I continue to try to piece myself back together and apologize and understand that he was just tired and wanted to go to sleep. But, I had to ask one last question..."So, you are saying if you never had sex again for the rest of you life you would be okay with that???"...The response was yes. WTF? For the fact it's not only used as a stress reliever for some, but also a way some people express their feelings, I am unsure of what to do. If I was to turn him down and drift off to sleep like nothing happened, I would feel terrible on the morning about not taking care of someone who means a lot to me. Not sure how some view this.

He basically has no sex drive and is emotionless about everything. I don't want to leave and I refuse to cheat, but this is becoming very hard for me to deal with...what is supposed to happen here? What would you do?

[Kaius]

If he is your fiance, and you are schedule to get married soon, I think you should reconsider.
There is a reason why he doesn't want sex. It could be medical-related, or it could be emotion-driven.
He may no longer find you desirable, or he just don't like sex anymore.
In any case, the incongruent sex drive means you two are sexually incompatible at the moment.
Go to counseling if you feel it's worth saving. If not, then you know what to do.
Sorry this must be rough.

[xxazurexx]

I wouldn't marry him, period!

Instead I'd end the relationship based on the grounds of sexual incompatibility and seek myself some young stud to have amourous adventures with.... lol

[ftm]

I'm going through a similar situation with my girlfriend. Very, VERY similar. Same feelings of having it seem like she just doesn't care at all, same feeling of knowing that if the roles were reversed I would be beside myself knowing that she was unhappy and unfulfilled.

We are starting counseling on Monday. If we can't find a way to make this work for both of us I am moving on. She knows this.

You should consider the same. If this is really important to you (the relationship, that is) go to counseling before you get married, and set yourself a timeline to get out if he doesn't start seeing the affect his actions (or inactions) are having on you. You don't want to live with this for the rest of your life.

[InLoveTrouble]

I understand both sides of the opinions. I have reconsidered the marriage and will either be with him and enjoy his companionship and love, deal with it until I break, as I almost did at 3 am this morning or like was also mentioned...leave. I know there are others out there that would at least be willing and try to keep up, but I lost him 7 years ago when his sex drive was well and kicking. I got married after our short time together and moved off for over that period of time and when I moved back home ran into him again and we have been inseparable since.

I know that he still finds me attractive, as he has said so. I was also told in previous posts that it would be job stress related as he does work in law enforcement. Btw, he is 33 and I am 27. I would give anything to experience what I experienced with him 7 years ago, not to mention, he is great when he does have the drive. I have had ample opportunity at being with other guys, but I'm not a cheater. For some reason, he is compatible some days and some days we aren't. It's really weird and I've never heard of this. I've mentioned going to the dr and he puts it off, like it will fix itself one day...and I have told him we will go to counseling together before we marry, whether it in June as planned or a year from now.

What causes loss of sex drive at such a young age? What would most girls do? And how woul they feel? Guys, what would you do if you loved someone enough and wanted to make sure you girl was taken care of sexually, emotionally, physically?

[InLoveTrouble]

Counseling seems like such a great idea, but who is responsible for paying for it? Who is to blame? Me for pushing him to have sex when he really doesn't want it or him for not trying? It's really confusing. He should also realize how much I do care for him, considering most girlfriends he had before were hitting the road after just a couple of months and I'm still here after a year has passed???

[ftm]

Guys, what would you do if you loved someone enough and wanted to make sure you girl was taken care of sexually, emotionally, physically?

Well, if I oculdn't get an erection, sex would be out of the question I suppose. Until that problem was resolved, I would do what she needed in order to feel taken care of physically. Oral sex would obviously be in the cards. Basically I would listen to her needs and try to adapt. IN the meantime, I would research solutions to my problem and see a physician about it. Of course, from your previous posts, I understand that your boyfriend's problem is not getting an erection, in which case I would want to do some serious soul searching to figure out why I had lost desire for my partner. Possibly therapy. Either way, I have never been one to accept a partner of mine being dissatisfied when it comes to some kind of support they are seeking for me (unless, of course, said support is not reasonable).

Counseling seems like such a great idea, but who is responsible for paying for it? Who is to blame? Me for pushing him to have sex when he really doesn't want it or him for not trying? It's really confusing. He should also realize how much I do care for him, considering most girlfriends he had before were hitting the road after just a couple of months and I'm still here after a year has passed???

Well, I am assuming that he's not going to offer to pony up. Moreover, I doubt he'll be open to working on things if you frame them as him being the one to blame. I would think you ought to split things cost-wise. Find a therapist who you think will suit your situation and then figure out a way to put the ball in his court. He ought to take some initiative on this.

[Gigabitch]

There is something deeply wrong with this man. He is broken. Don't marry him.

[TAVS]

I wouldnt go to that extreme Gigabitch. But I definitely would seek a sex therapist before moving forward

[InLoveTrouble]

He agreed to try a therapist, but is there a time limit as to how long this should take? He's not broken, just needs that little push in life I guess. It is an opinionated forum.

[Envy]

Really confusing that he'll be all intimate then be like, no I don't want to share that with you.

I know personally intercourse is a thing to share with that person. The highest sign of commitment, passion and love.

Ask him what it means to him I guess?

[ftm]

He agreed to try a therapist, but is there a time limit as to how long this should take? He's not broken, just needs that little push in life I guess. It is an opinionated forum.

I agree with you on that last bit. It is opinionated, but that's the Internet. And I don't think any of us were drawn here because we wanted to find people with weak opinions

That's great that he agreed to try a therapist -- a positive sign.

Usually with a therapist the first session or two are based on just learning the background of a situation. You are going to have to decide for yourself how long you are willing to give this, how much patience you are willing to put out.

How long, exactly, has this been a problem between the two of you? Has it been constant since you got together (a year ago?) or has it just been for the last few months? That should probably be a factor in how you decide how long you want to give this for some kind of turnaround.

[InLoveTrouble]

This wasn't just recently, but has been off and on for the last year. I went to a therapist alone this morning just to get some insight and it helped me as an individual a lot. He doesn't have a problem with commitment as much as much as he does with being a sexu person that can keep up. He did make the comment that he is worried I would find it somewhere else, so maybe....just maybe he is starting to get it??? Anyone else got anything to say? Negative or positive???

[starbuck]

Guys, what would you do if you loved someone enough and wanted to make sure you girl was taken care of sexually, emotionally, physically?

The problem with a mismatching libidos is that sex drive is something that's hard to force. He very likely cares about you emotionally, but if his drive is low and there is nothing happening downstairs, he may just be physically incapable of getting aroused.

I think you should take him to a doctor first. There probably is a root cause, be it physical or mental. A medical doctor would probably make a better assessment than we could here.

Consider very carefully whether or not sexual incompatibility is a dealbreaker for you. Your intentions are good to want to stick by him, but "til death do you part" is a very long time to go without sexual satisfaction from your husband.

[InLoveTrouble]

I am aware of the long term commitment I would be making and I've dealt with it for so long that I thought I would get used to it. Like I think I mentioned before, I have heard that law enforcement sometimes have too much mental stress that causes problems at home. I am in limbo as to if I am going about it the wrong way by asking him to see a doctor or a counselor. He seems interested but never put forth the effort to call the doctor. Not sure what to do about that. It does take a strong person to even "try" to askfor advice in fixing this or how to deal with it. Anyone else, as I have heard and seen would have moved on to the next without even thinking twice...am I right???