Relationship Fatalism

[Kaius]

My girlfriend tells me I have a case of "Relationship Fatalism" where all my thoughts point to the end of the relationship. I never thought of it this way, but I think she has a point.

Today we had a little disagreement. Not even a full argument, but differences in opinions. She thought I was being dismissive. I thought she was being disrespectful in her response. So we ended up discussing what went wrong today. We had sex first so we could clear our head.

She basically said that over the last 6 months since we have been together, whenever there was a disagreement, I would immediately refer to ending the relationship rather than solving the issue. I don't completely agree with that, as she would get all the credit for us staying together. I think fundamentally I just want her to be happy....and I have told her before, I would only leave the relationship if something or someone can thoroughly convince me that I am not good for her. In theory, that means I would never leave her, as I make her really happy, I believe. But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that I don't deserve to be this happy.... I just never imagined myself being this happy....and with the woman of my dreams. This is still unreal to me, and I feel like it's gonna end when I wake up. She pointed it out today...that I act as if one morning she would wake up and realize i'm not good for her, and she would stop seeing me suddenly. I guess I have been acting like that...as I often feel insecure....for some reason. She has been perfect to me....She considers me in every way. She pleasures me, and she loves me tremendously. I don't know why I go through these crazy phases, where I convince myself that all this would end. I lose sleep over this, and it's driving me nuts. Some day she would get tired of this... I know... I might be going insane...

Has anyone else every feel like this, or am I alone psycho?

[cmacattack1]

I don't know if I have the same problem as you, but I (at least I used to be) not a very good problem solver with relationships. I never wanted to end relationships, but I would let it completely sink to the point where they would be sick of me and want out. Nor did I think I deserved to be happy either and ended up sabotaging my own relationships and really drag some girls through the mud because of how much I loathed myself. You have any self esteem issues?

It's a good sign you are noticing it now and trying to do something about it (even if it's just trying to understand it)!

[nowomannocry]

Do you mean you always say "I'm going to break up with you" or you're afraid that she will?

[Luciel]

i might be wrong but i think he means the typical response of "oh fine well lets brake up then if you don´t like x thing"

[lahnnabell]

I dated guys like this before. I think it stems from having been with inexperienced people. Lots of young or inexperienced people in relationships spend a lot of time practicing how to make one work. It involves a lot of communication, honesty, and self-awareness. Inexperienced, or young people don't have these things worked out yet and tend to resort to breaking up as a means to solve an issue. They simply dismiss what they don't like and move onto something more entertaining or something easier. What you eventually discover is that ALL relationships take work, and if to be committed to one person is what you want then you have to make peace with those requirements and needs.

It's important to practice a level-headed approach to relationships. I meet many people who flip their lids over the tiniest thing, and this consequently makes their partners uneasy and insecure. If you anticipate that your partner is going to get visibly and irrationally upset over something, you tend to resort to avoidance as a method to solve those problems. No one likes to be screamed at or berated or broken up with. Relationships don't thrive that way though. You have to be willing to communicate and work together to find solutions.

[Gigabitch]

I used to do that. My boyfriend would do all manner of dumb things and I would threaten to just scrap the whole relationship. I finally realized that what I was doing was every bit as destructive and hurtful as any of his crap. I stopped. We got married. Everything's better now.

[Kaius]

I think fundamentally my girlfriend and I still have a rather immature dating perspective. I am 35, just got out of a 12-year marriage, which means I really have very little dating experience. She's 38, left a 14-year marriage, so she's kinda on the same boat.
Even though we are in our mid/late 30's, our "dating age" is essentially in our early 20's, which kinda puts us in the drama period hahahahhaha.
I think we have enough life experience to overcome our immaturities. Very ironic I know. We were on the phone for 5 hours last night, and we thoroughly talked things through.
We are very committed to this relationship, so we are taking much time and effort to untangle things before things get bad. I really love her..... not just new-girlfriend-super-sex-happy-carefree kind of love, but a deep love that really can't be described.
I am going to stop being so pessimistic, and really work on this relationship. I came to the realization that I can't live without her....

[Gigabitch]

I am going to stop being so pessimistic, and really work on this relationship. I came to the realization that I can't live without her....

Well, that should stop all of the threatening to break up, shouldn't it?

[lahnnabell]

Well, that should stop all of the threatening to break up, shouldn't it?

Haha! Okay, now seriously. Kaius, be careful with those words as they can create unexpected drama where you didn't want it. To say you can't live without someone is a very over-the-top and dramatic statement. Sure, realistically, you can live without someone. However, if you were planning on committing suicide if she left you, there are other issues that need addressing. I don't think that's the case here, but I am a big supporter of "say what you mean". If a guy said he couldn't live without me, I'd take it as creepy. I find it much more romantic to say something like, "I want my life to be with you. I refuse to accept anything else." Saying "can't" implies that you lack control, which is entirely not true.

[Junket]

You sound too insecure.

That's not attractive.

Also, my g/f has a tendency to say similar things, which I've posted about recently.

It's not frequent, but it can be enough to throw me off for a bit.

I hate it.

[Miloo]

I Had this feeling, but it was so long ago, i nearly forgotten. And i dont want that again.
I was soo happy, didnt think that i might loose that happiness. but it happened. and it was worse than hell (i went through hell, and survived)

[Kaius]

Haha! Okay, now seriously. Kaius, be careful with those words as they can create unexpected drama where you didn't want it. To say you can't live without someone is a very over-the-top and dramatic statement. Sure, realistically, you can live without someone. However, if you were planning on committing suicide if she left you, there are other issues that need addressing. I don't think that's the case here, but I am a big supporter of "say what you mean". If a guy said he couldn't live without me, I'd take it as creepy. I find it much more romantic to say something like, "I want my life to be with you. I refuse to accept anything else." Saying "can't" implies that you lack control, which is entirely not true.

I honestly feel that way, but i didn't tell her that. Ya it would be too overbearing. I'll tell her that after we get married tho.
I feel many of my insecurities vanish in the last 24 hours. I love being in a relationship with a mature adult. Open communication and life experience really play a role here.
I booked a weekend in San Diego.... we are taking a mini-trip.

[starbuck]

I think working on your self-esteem is the key here. You know you're good enough for her right? If you don't, you need to get to that place. I think you need to own your happiness.