Please help: girlfriend breaks up with me, but still wants to sleep with me

[ThirdMan]

Long story short...I start casually dating a girl and we both end up liking each other to the point of deciding to become boyfriend/girlfriend. I am 29 and she is 26. After about two months she breaks up with me citing the classic need for "space" and that she doesn't feel that she can give enough to the relationship. I respect her feelings and believe that she is being genuine in her reasoning (even though I'm confused as to exactly why she's feeling this way). So she broke up with me a week ago Sunday. My approach has been not to contact her, but if she would like to speak to me, etc. then I would be open to it. Two days after breaking up with me she sends me a text saying that she wants to sleep next to me. So she comes over, spends the night and we have sex. A couple of days go by without contact. She then gets in touch with me again--the following Sunday--saying that she wants to sleep with me. So she spends the night, however, we did not have sex this time. So in the one week that we have been "broken up" she has spent two nights with me at my apartment. Here is where I could use some help or advice. I have fallen in love with this girl. I don't want to push her out of my life but I also don't want to become her "doormat" or "fall back plan". And since it's only been a week since we "broke up", I am afraid to start pressing her for answers because I don't want risk losing her completely. I would like us to give things another shot, but I'm just so confused as to where I stand and what her feelings may be. Is it possible that she may love me too, but just hasn't quite come to terms with it yet? Please help. I'm just heartsick for this girl and don't know what to do. As of now, my approach has been to hold back and let her approach me.

[dewilliams2]

I don't think it is pushing her to ask what her intentions are with you and tell her that either you have all of her or you don't want any of her....you have to consider whats best for you and if you have feelings for her the longer it lasts if all she wants is sex is just going to make it suck more when it does end....either she wants to have a relationship with you or she doesn't...if she doesn't then tell her to piss off.

You like the White Stripes or is the thirdman thing just a coincidence?

[kc1234]

Your approach is probably the best idea for now. Let her do the work. Shes obviously still interested in you at least somewhat if shes still contacting you and sleeping with you. Its only been a week, so just let things play out.

[Gigabitch]

She's using you for your joystick without taking any emotional responsibility for hurting you if she decides to hop on someone else's joystick as well.

I think you should cut her off.

[dono01]

Hmm. Tough situation. I think she likes you, but she can't be playing those games and neither can you. Make it clear and simple. Talk to her, but don't let her come over to sleep, or to have sex. If you keep doing that you will for sure never figure out what's going on. If you take the sex out of the picture, see what she does I suppose.

[ThirdMan]

Yes, I'm a White Stripes fan.

[ThirdMan]

Thanks for your responses. I do realize that I will have to ask her what the deal is, but it's only been a week so I'm trying to figure out what she may be thinking (tough chore, I know). Another point is that it's not just about the sex. Because last night when she stayed with me she told me she just wanted to sleep next to me because she wasn't feeling well---which is true, she legit wasn't feeling well. It seems as though I am in a situation that more often than not happens to girls. Which is why the optimistic side of me is thinking that there is way more to it than a booty call. It just sucks because I love her.

[ThirdMan]

Long story short...I start casually dating a girl and we both end up liking each other to the point of deciding to become boyfriend/girlfriend. I am 29 and she is 26. After about two months she breaks up with me citing the classic need for "space" and that she doesn't feel that she can give enough to the relationship. I respect her feelings and believe that she is being genuine in her reasoning (even though I'm confused as to exactly why she's feeling this way). So she broke up with me a week ago Sunday. My approach has been not to contact her, but if she would like to speak to me, etc. then I would be open to it. Two days after breaking up with me she sends me a text saying that she wants to sleep next to me. So she comes over, spends the night and we have sex. A couple of days go by without contact. She then gets in touch with me again--the following Sunday--saying that she wants to sleep with me. So she spends the night, however, we did not have sex this time. So in the one week that we have been "broken up" she has spent two nights with me at my apartment. Here is where I could use some help or advice. I have fallen in love with this girl. I don't want to push her out of my life but I also don't want to become her "doormat" or "fall back plan". And since it's only been a week since we "broke up", I am afraid to start pressing her for answers because I don't want risk losing her completely. I would like us to give things another shot, but I'm just so confused as to where I stand and what her feelings may be. Is it possible that she may love me too, but just hasn't quite come to terms with it yet? Please help. I'm just heartsick for this girl and don't know what to do. As of now, my approach has been to hold back and let her approach me.

[xxazurexx]

It's rare that I hear of women using men for a 'booty call', normally you hear women complain of situations like this.

She doesn't want a relationship with you, but wants the benefits of a relationship and you still around at her beck and call when she gets lonely.

If this was a woman, I'd tell her to cut off his sex supply. I think you should do the same, unless of course you don't mind being used as a 'blow up' doll and whenever shes feeling horny.

[xxazurexx]

Which is why the optimistic side of me is thinking that there is way more to it than a booty call. ...

Then why did she choose to break free?

Someone who really wants you, doesn't ask for space.

[Tiay]

Yikes. This girl doesn't seem to know what she wants.

Don't become her doormat- it's a sure way to lose her respect. My advice? Tell her that you don't want just a casual thing and that she can't be randomly sleeping over at your place when you don't officially have a relationship. She needs to make up her mind as to what she wants- that's fine, but she does not get to mess with your feelings in the process.

[ftm]

I was in this boat once.

Be honest with her, and set boundaries. Tell her that you are falling for her, and that you don't want to sleep with her unless there's a relationship to go along with it. Then put the ball in her court. Or something like that. Whatever you do, you ought to set some boundaries and stay firm.

[ThirdMan]

Thanks for the replies. What I'm really confused about is that it's clearly not just a sex thing because she wanted to come over and spend the night just to sleep next to me. I realize that this cannot go on forever with me feeling the way that I do about her. I'm just scared to lose her I guess---this has only been going on for a week.

[vashti]

Maybe she just needs a little time to sort herself out? You know, maybe she really DID just need a little space.

Personally, I would probably allow it to continue for a finite amount of time ( a month?), have the discussion about getting back together, and THEN call it off if she isn't interested. If you get the impression she is sleeping with other guys, then call it off immediately.

[ThirdMan]

Thanks...I do believe she was being genuine about "space". And call me naive if you will, but I also trust the fact that I am the only guy she is sleeping with right now. It's almost as if she wants me to fulfill some "boyfriend" roles without the actual "boyfriend-girlfriend" label, I guess. Like I said, this is very confusing for me. I love her so I am willing to be patient for a while. I just don't know how long I can keep this up. I miss her, so I let her back in, but then I have to suppress my feelings out of fear of pressuring her out the door. It's like I am caught in the trap of feeling that something is better than nothing but at what point does it become too painful for me---I don't know. It definitely helps to talk about this. Thanks to those of you who are willing to share some thoughts or advice.