Husband Insists It's Okay to Look at Dating, Escort, & Marriage Sites

[Olderandwiser49]

Careful with the "Grandparent" stuff. I'm a Boomer with a 24 year old daughter (and no kids, thank God), and while I'm not as good as I once was, I'm as good once as I ever was!!

[IndiReloaded]

If it weren't interfering with your sex life (which I know it is- I've read your other posts) it might be harmless- much like looking at porn, but he clearly prefers dating sites to his real life wife and neglects you in favor of his online habit.

When you fantasy life takes precedent over your real life, it's time to intervene.

I agree with this^.

I think it's wrong to visit these kinds of website and if you are in a committed relationship.

It's something I wouldn't do and it's something that I wouldn't accept a partner doing either.

If he wanted to look at other women and continued despite knowing how I felt, he'd be doing it alone...and divorced.

But not this^. Above is actually an example of closed-mindedness (sorry Azure). Its the equivalent of telling a woman she can't watch anymore Chick Flicks.

[Render]

I don't know. I don't think dating sites are the equivalent of chick flicks. Dating sites have one purpose - to find and communicate with people seeking dating, sex, and/or marriage. Why would a married man be on dating sites? Porn, chick flicks - maybe those are an equivalent.

[Render]

I think the only outcome will be leaving him. He repeatedly turns me down for sex, rejecting me, but masturbating with his laptop at least once a day if not more. Today I tried to have sex with him, he turned me down - then, when I left to run errands, he masturbated to porn - something called GILTF, which is similar to MILF I guess, but with women much, much older. I am 41. I enjoy sex. I WANT to have a passionate sexual relationship with my husband. I am not going to lose 20 years or gain 20 years over night. Ironically, he doesn't want me to use "toys". WT*? I can't have an affair with a toy, and what choice does he leave me? I tried to get involved with his masturbation stuff, and invited him to join me with a toy, but I guess he's too open minded to do that. He won't talk about what's going on, and I'm tired of it all. I hope he ends up with a legitmately close-minded woman, one who hates sex and hates porn - so he can appreciate what he HAD in me. He just declared he'd rather marry his computer anyway, so let him. Too bad his laptop can't do what a real person can - but by the time he figures it out I'll be long gone.

[IndiReloaded]

Why would a married man be on dating sites?

Well, this^ is actually the right question to be asking. My point was simply that its closed-minded to dismiss an entire category of things just because someone finds it threatening. I've looked at porn and dating sites. So has my husband. Frankly, they were lightly amusing and we were curious. I think anyone who is threatened by that kind of curiosity has a self-esteem problem.

The OPs situation is quite different tho. Sounds like her partner has an online sex addiction problem. That's not okay. If that were my husband, I'd probably cancel our internet connection for a while. Not blowing smoke, btw. I did this years ago with our television connection b/c it was affecting our ability to work and we were wasting time on mind-junk. You should try this, Render. IMO, he is doing the equivalent of wasting good sex-bonding time with internet junk. Some guys just need this kind of help, so help him. Good luck.

[Render]

There's a huge difference between looking at dating or similar sites (different than porn, which is anonymous) occasionally or together, and for one party in a relationship to spend the majority of his free time on the computer, utilizing these sites for sexual fulfillment, and in turn neglecting his partner and her needs, as well as the relationship. This is not curiosity, this is obsession. The other day, when he thought his laptop was broken, he was in tears and visibly anxious. I have been patient and loving and encouraging and supportive. I've just had it at this point, because he is not sincerely interested in change, and only agrees to placate me when I threaten to get divorced or leave. Well, this time I'm just leaving, no threats. I already filled out the paperwork, I just have to file it. He has no sincere interest in saving this relationship, and I suspect he will leave anyway as soon as he is able. Now I wonder if I was just one of the fantasies he developed being online - and when he discovered that real life and marriage isn't all fun and games, he's planning to foolishly jump into the next fantasy, with some bizarre impression that it will be better than this one. I just know I deserve a loving partner who respects my feelings and needs - and he does neither.

[oneandonly]

I'm just curious how long you've been married and how old he is...

[IndiReloaded]

You just started going to a counsellor but you are ready to walk? You sound a bit over the top yourself emotionally. I don't agree with his online problem, but I wonder how much of what is going on is perhaps a form of escape from your own personality issues. I don't suppose he's ever accused you of being an emotional bully (or a bitch)? You kind of sound like it to me.

You'll be offended and get your back up, I know. Its what usually happens when a target is found. But I know from experience that these issues rarely happen in a vacuum. I mean, he can't be a total asshole, otherwise why did you marry him?

My advice is to get a grip and suck up the issues long enough to see if the counselling can bring some new insight into your issues. Stop reacting so much and learn a bit of detachment from the issue. You've dealt with it this long, a little longer is cheap at the price if it can prevent a needless divorce. Most couples give up too soon, IMO.

[Render]

Are you kidding? You have no idea. It is not just his online obsession, the complete lack of sex and affection, but a basic level of disrespect that is unacceptable. Of course he didn't act like a total asshole when he was courting me, it was only after we were safely married. When I am in the way, he doesn't ask me to move, he just shoves me out of the way. If I have something he wants, he doesn't ask for it, he just yanks it out of my hands. He acts like a two-year old child when he doesn't get his way, whining about how I don't treat him as well as his mother did (SHE used to leave breakfast in the microwave for him so he wouldn't be hungry if he slept through breakfast). When he eats, he makes a huge mess, says NOTHING during the entire meal (just eats loudly and messily and as fast as he can) and chews with his mouth open. I know that sounds small, but it's all combined, it's a lack of manners and respect. He calls me horrible names, like "piece of shit" and "****ing moron". He insists that he is "ten times smarter than me" but asks me to help him and/or write any papers he needs to write for work or grad school. He has not had a job since we married. You have no idea. Today he needed to take a fax number down, so he just yanked my laptop out of my hands to type the fax number on it. No, " ... can you please," or, " ... can I borrow your laptop for a second?" Just yanked it out from my hands. Then, just now, I asked him to go down and put his sock in the wash as I'd just started a new load of clothes, and he dropped it on the floor and kicked it into a corner. I said, "Hey, either put it in the wash or wear them dirty." He replied, "I don't care. and went back to his laptop. This is way beyond his obsession with dating sites, marriage sites, and escort (ie, whore) sites. This is about treating his wife like dirt. Please, take him if you think there is hope for him. I deserve someone who treats me with courtesy and respect and love, the way I try to treat him ... or tried to. Oh, I had to beg and plead for him to go to the counselor. He went once, then decided to never go again. I'm not giving up, he is. He likes to blame other people for his behavior too. I guess if your wife is a "bitch" it's okay to treat her like dirt. Guess neither of you thought that maybe if you treat someone bad enough for long enough, they might get "bitchy"?

[vashti]

Jeezus, who'd want to sleep with a guy like that anyway? Who cares what he's doing online? Maybe he'll meet someone and give you your freedom... that's what *I'd* be hoping for.

[Render]

I just left. It feel horrible, I feel guilty. I know its the right decision but it still feels really awful. I guess no matter how bad things were with him, I still had hope that something would get better, that we could change things together. I feel lonely and scared and uncertain. Leaving is letting go of that hope, and that hope was all I had.

[jane]

I havent been on here for a long time..but this is something I know alittle about...

My Fiance was always looking at site like escorts, porn, dating,.. yadda yadda.. and it DID ruin our sex life. I felt like his roommate. We were not intimate for almost a year before I left him. He was totally addicted and in denial about it..It made me feel useless and angry everyday. I felt like he didnt care about me .. I have to agree with most of the people who have already posted.. enough is enough. If he doesnt man up.. leave him.

[IndiReloaded]

Are you kidding? You have no idea. It is not just his online obsession, the complete lack of sex and affection, but a basic level of disrespect that is unacceptable. Of course he didn't act like a total asshole when he was courting me, it was only after we were safely married. When I am in the way, he doesn't ask me to move, he just shoves me out of the way. If I have something he wants, he doesn't ask for it, he just yanks it out of my hands. He acts like a two-year old child when he doesn't get his way, whining about how I don't treat him as well as his mother did (SHE used to leave breakfast in the microwave for him so he wouldn't be hungry if he slept through breakfast). When he eats, he makes a huge mess, says NOTHING during the entire meal (just eats loudly and messily and as fast as he can) and chews with his mouth open. I know that sounds small, but it's all combined, it's a lack of manners and respect. He calls me horrible names, like "piece of shit" and "****ing moron". He insists that he is "ten times smarter than me" but asks me to help him and/or write any papers he needs to write for work or grad school. He has not had a job since we married. You have no idea. Today he needed to take a fax number down, so he just yanked my laptop out of my hands to type the fax number on it. No, " ... can you please," or, " ... can I borrow your laptop for a second?" Just yanked it out from my hands. Then, just now, I asked him to go down and put his sock in the wash as I'd just started a new load of clothes, and he dropped it on the floor and kicked it into a corner. I said, "Hey, either put it in the wash or wear them dirty." He replied, "I don't care. and went back to his laptop. This is way beyond his obsession with dating sites, marriage sites, and escort (ie, whore) sites. This is about treating his wife like dirt. Please, take him if you think there is hope for him. I deserve someone who treats me with courtesy and respect and love, the way I try to treat him ... or tried to. Oh, I had to beg and plead for him to go to the counselor. He went once, then decided to never go again. I'm not giving up, he is. He likes to blame other people for his behavior too. I guess if your wife is a "bitch" it's okay to treat her like dirt. Guess neither of you thought that maybe if you treat someone bad enough for long enough, they might get "bitchy"?

Well, you came here for objective advice. If this^ is the best example you can give of a typical interaction, I don't see you as all that different from him. Why would you make such a big deal over a sock? If you really had an issue about laundry, you handled it in the worst possible way. You gave him an ultimatum instead of trying to solve the problem. If you had spoken to me that way, I probably also would have told you I didn't care. A sock isn't worth an argument, IMO.

So no, its not okay to treat your "bitch" wife like dirt. Just like its not okay to treat your "asshole" husband like crap either. Right now, you want to believe its all his fault but I can tell just from your posts that a lot of your behaviour is also problematic. These kinds of interactions don't happen in a vacuum. You don't seem to know how to problem solve without devolving to ultimatums, at least none of your posts have ever given an example of such. I would bet this is not the first time you've been told this.

Not that he sounds all that great, not working and all, but again you decided to marry him. Why? There must have been warning signs, you are certainly old enough to have spotted them. Are you one of these people who believes someone will change after marriage? He's also in grad school you say, so why would he be working? Are you just frustrated b/c you are supporting his schooling and are worried he is going to walk once he graduates into a real career? Something just doesn't scan about your story. Lots of spouses support their partners while they are in school trying to better themselves.

But, you've decided to give up, and given your level of bitterness, its probably for the best. Its sounds like both of you have lost respect for the other, each for your own reasons. At least you don't have kids. Good luck, I hope you can be happier now.

[Gigabitch]

How old is this kid, Render?

[xxazurexx]

But not this^. Above is actually an example of closed-mindedness (sorry Azure). Its the equivalent of telling a woman she can't watch anymore Chick Flicks.

I think there is a HUGE difference in a woman watching some chick flick and some man visiting random escort/dating sites. LOL

The usual reason why men visit these kinds of sites, is to look for dates/no strings sex/something permanent. To view this kind of site, is to open up a 'window of opportunity' and one in which someone might be tempted to cheat, even if they are not looking to cheat.

If a partner of mine visited escort/dating sites and after I'd expressed umpteen times that I wasn't happy with him doing so, I'd find it disrespectful and he'd be disrespecting me...and I'd leave.

I don't feel a need to frequent dating sites, why should he?

As for men viewing porn. I have no problem with it. It's a guy thing

A guy masturbating to porn, while refusing to have sex with me, would be gone also.

If he wants to toss over other women, again he'd be doing it from the comfort of his own place.

This is NOT the kind of man I'd want in my life or to share my life with.