Cultural Differences - Advice on Mixed Signals

[yasna]

I've been trying to find somewhere with advice dealing on cultural differences and relationships, but maybe someone here could help? It might be cultures, or it might just be us, but here it is:


I'm an independent 26 year old American girl, and I am working overseas in Russia. I met a guy here last year whom I worked with for a few months before he lost his job with us. At the time, my Russian was really horrible, and he didn't speak any English. However, on our breaks we often found ways of communicating, and it was quite brilliant in fact, using gestures and somehow always figuring out how to understand what we wanted to say to each other. And he seemed like a total flirt. (For instance, he learned from the other workers how to say, "Give me a kiss!" a proceeded to say this to me later, a few times even. He also knew I spoke Spanish, and he learned the Spanish phrases, "you are beautiful," and "you are beautiful when you're angry.") I'm not much a flirt myself (don't really know how it's done!), and honesty I'm usually the 'friend', rather the the girlfriend, so I was completely caught off guard. I laughed and played along, and honestly I thought we were always just playing around, especially since it was always such a long process even trying to understand each other! But it was fun, and it made work a lot more fun. And we had a lot of laughs together. Just about the time I started to realize I was developing a crush on him, he lost his job.

I was then bold enough to ask his boss for his mobile number, blushing the whole time while his boss figured out what I was asking and chuckled at me. So then we texted for a few weeks until I left the country. I was gone for a long time, and didn't talk to him for over a year.

So I came back to Russia and sent him a text to let him know. He seemed pretty ecstatic, texting me and calling me. Calling is difficult because of the language barrier, but I kept studying Russian and I can understand and say a lot more than before. It's been a couple months now, texting and talking on the phone with him. And when we do actually talk, it's a blast - just like it was before. Laughing, smiling, flirting. He's dead sweet on the text and the phone, calling me beautiful, sending "hugs", all kinds of nice things. But the problem is, I want to see him again. I don't want to just text with someone. And he says he wants to meet with me too, but every time we have agreed to meet up (I think 4 or 5 times now), something always comes up and he suddenly can't meet me. The first 2 or 3 times, he would call that day and say, "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Forgive me, but I can't. I have to work." With his job, he does have to work at times when he doesn't expect it, but to be honest, I don't really know enough about him to be sure when I can trust him and believe him, and when I can't. I can deal with someone's busy job, but I also always thought that if a person was important enough to you, then you would find time for them somewhere - especially in 3 months!

The last two times we planned to meet, he didn't even bother to call to say he couldn't make it. And he would go a week or 2 or 3 without texting or calling. Not until I text or call him again.

My instincts tell me that he's jerking my chain and I shouldn't bother talking to him any more, even though I've seriously got this massive crush on him. I don't want to be fool. On the other hand, I can't help wondering if it's a cultural thing. In my American culture, definitely this is a pretty big sign that he's not interested. Don't they say that guys will go after a girl if he really wants her?

But I read somewhere that in the Russian culture, often guys liked to be chased by girls, and that's how it's always done in their culture. But I haven't the faintest idea about that! And if so, I'm not sure I want to be treated like some of these girls, anyway. I don't mind putting in work to have a relationship - after all, I've come to his country, studied his language, and we always speak in his language, and I've made some of the first calls and first texts. But I keep thinking he should be doing some of the work, or else he's just not really interested.

I feel lost. Right now, I've just made the decision to myself not to contact him any more, because I don't like feeling like I'm nothing. But...I also want to understand if it's a culture thing, because if I have a chance with him, I don't want to throw it away, either, if it's all just because he somehow has this idea that I'm not actually interested just because I don't do things the same way as Russian girls, perhaps.


Does anyone have any advice or insight?

Thanks.

[xxazurexx]

Well I know one thing. Russian man or not, I wouldn't chase any guy. Particularly not if he was arranging dates with me and letting me down time after time and without even bothering to let me know he wasn't going to be there.

This is not a man who is interested in you, else he would show you with ACTION he was interested. Busy or not and if he was really interested, trust me, he'd make time for you!
This is a guy who just likes female attention - makes him feel desirable you see.

He's just messing you around.

[yasna]

Thanks for your response. And just to clarify, when we would arrange to meet, it would be: "Okay, Saturday afternoon, we're both free, so we'll do something Saturday. And I'll call you on Saturday." He never left me waiting at a restaurant or anything. Still, he left me hanging, thinking we agreed to hang out and then he never called or had to call and cancel.

But I definitely see what you are saying - him enjoying the female attention. And I do agree that guys make time for a girl they are interested in. At least, that's what I've always believed to be true.

Thanks again.

[xxazurexx]

Don't and never waste your time on men, who make little time for you.

Never be an 'option' for any man, when for some other man you would be his 'priority'.

You are the 'prize' remember.....let them put in that extra effort to 'win' you! And if they don't put that extra effort in...then ditch them. They are not worthy of you!