Am I missing a chance at true love because of an infatuation? Who do I choose?

[ConfusedGrad]

Ok, sorry this might be a bit long, but I need to explain my situation clearly. So there’s two men in my life I’m confused about and just to make things easier to explain let’s call them John and Jake.

I’m 24 and I just started a PhD and John is a post-doc in my advisor’s lab. He’s 38 and from the moment we met we got on really well. He’s helped me with a lot of things related to my degree and it’s so easy talking to him. He’s brilliant and we see eye to eye on so many things. He’s also told me he feels that same sense of kindredness with me and feels comfortable enough to even talk to me about more personal things. Up until a few months ago I had been with an ex that things had just fizzled out with – we had grown an changed too much to be compatible with each other anymore and being with John essentially highlighted a lot of things that were missing with my ex – mostly the goals we had for our lives. My ex didn’t like that I was doing this degree. The break-up wasn’t really bad or anything, but when I started trying to date other guys I realized I had feelings for John – very strong ones in fact. And over time it hasn’t gone away, they just get stronger. I’m sure this isn’t just a crush, I really think I’m in love with him. But thing is, when I try to think about it rationally it’s kind of stupid because he has some serious emotional issues (he’s talked to me about them). He was married before and his wife treated him pretty badly – she cheated on him several times and he was so reluctant to let her go, they only divorced last year – and she was the one that did it! And still he was so torn up by her leaving him. It hurts me so much to think of what she put him through and I find myself wanting terribly to show him that he will not have to worry about such things from me! It’s like his flaws only make him more endearing to me and I want to be there for him in a more than friends way. So one day I actually told him how I feel and he reacted a bit awkwardly and said he wasn’t interested in being in a relationship, but he didn’t actually say he wasn’t interested in me. And even since then nothing in his behaviour has changed. And sometimes I really get the impression he flirts with me a little. I still can’t help but have strong feelings for him, though & there are nights when I stay awake for hours just thinking about him and I get butterflies everytime I see him or see a message from him in my inbox.

Now, there’s Jake. Jake’s 26 and he’s in the middle of a PhD at our same college though in a diff field, and I met him through a friend a couple of years ago. We’d been casual acquaintances for a long while, though I was attracted to him from the beginning, but I was still with my ex at the time so I never thought of him seriously. Over the last 6 months or so, for whatever reason we’ve started hanging out more and I think he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. We click so well on all levels, he’s also brilliant, but there’s a strange kind of allure to him – he’s so “wise”, it’s not really the word I’m looking for, but he has a very unique ‘awareness’ about himself, other people, and just the world in general. And that makes him both comforting and mysterious to be around at the same time – I can’t really explain it well… So it’s not like I ever thought of him as ‘just a friend’, it’s always been a kind of in between thing. And a couple months ago he told me he thought of me in the same kind of way, just never seriously b/c I was with my ex. We ended up having sex at a party after shamelessly flirting with each other the whole evening and it was fantastic – I’ve never had 1st time sex be that good. Now he’s extremely good looking (he does have John beat there), but it wasn’t just physical – it was that weird ‘in-between’ thing. We had sex a few more times after that – it was so liberating being with him, he was so genuine and open, and we sort of naturally started behaving a bit more like a couple. But I still had these feelings for John, and what I felt for Jake was nothing like that, and being with him started to make me feel guilty so I told him I didn’t want to sleep with him anymore. Jake knew about John and understood what we had was in that “friends with benefits” area and he was so great about being understanding – he didn’t get angry with me at all and just kept being my friend. He was so supportive I almost felt like crying! But then he did confess to me that his feelings for me were getting deeper and wondered if I might be interested in trying to see if something more serious could develop between us. It was such a beautiful letter he sent me – hand written in the mail! But my feelings for him just don’t compare to what I feel for John, and I told him I didn’t feel the same way at all.

And here’s the most important thing – his reaction was unlike anything I’d ever heard of and makes me think his feelings for me really are true and genuine. He used a really beautiful metaphor – the letter, his confession of his deepening feelings was a gift he gave me. I had the choice of whether or not to accept, and I chose not to, but his need was to give the gift to me, not to have me accept it. He did so, and is now at ease. And he’s actually gone back to just being my friend, and believe me when I say he’s really ok with it! He’s even started dating again. That’s what I meant about him having a very unique personality. It was all so simple for him – I said no and that was that - and it makes me kind of envious! He’s just happy to see me happy and to have me in his life, even if it’s not in a way he may have ideally liked to explore.

Because he’s so amazing this way, I’m now starting to second-guess myself. Maybe I would have been more interested if John wasn’t in my life? What are the chances I’m going to come across someone I’m as compatible with and who’s as genuine as Jake again? I mean, really, he’s got everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner and more – so why don’t I feel about him the way I do for John? I don’t even know what my chances are with John… and what if I get over him and realize I actually do want Jake and he’s with someone else? Or if I do start something with John and find that I fall out of love with him? This would be easier if I thought of Jake as just a friend, but that’s not the case. I’m not even sure exactly how to describe it… Am I missing a once-in-a-lifetime chance at something really special here? Or am I doing the right thing by being honest with my feelings…

Sorry again for the length, but I really need to get this off my chest as its been bothering me an awful lot. Is it an infatuation I have for John? Do infatuations last for over a year? Thanks for any insight, guys – help me make the right choice!

[Doc Durian]

I'd like to help you... well, when I say help you... I mean ingest and comment, and then you take it or leave it, for what it's worth.

But that's a lot of text. I kind of got lost and couldn't help tuning out.

You've got two fellows, right? I got that from the title of the thread.

In 100 words or less, what's going on?

[xxazurexx]

I think Jake is your safest bet.

When guys say they don't want a relationship, they usually mean they don't want one with YOU!!

Isn't that the same excuse we women give and when we aren't attracted to a man in 'that' way?

It's a kind way to reject.....

[Olderandwiser49]

John appears to still be toting some heavy baggage, and I would be hesitant to share the load. IMO Jake is the better opportunity for a long lasting relationship. Everything you said about him was positive, and you seem to have far more in common. John seems more like a flirtation/infatuation/hero worship relationship, without nearly the depth of caring (on his part) as that you received from Jake. Sounds like you're wearing a sneaker on one foot and 6-inch stilleto on the other. If you try to wear them both at the same time, you'll always be out of balance, and neither will ever be comfortable to you. Whichever you choose, choose now.

[vashti]

I think you should forget about them both. John doesn't even WANT you, so he isn't an option, and Jake deserves to be with someone who loves him.

[fourleafclover]

I would say you don't HAVE to choose either of them. No matter how much you like John he clearly isn't either a) interested or b) ready for a relationship, and even if it's the second..waiting around for him to change his mind is not a good idea. With Jake, you can't force yourself to like him more than you do. Even if you did try out a more serious relationship with him it's unlikely you would feel any different and it would just cause unhappiness for both of you, because you would always be wanting more.

There will be other guys that make you feel as strongly as John. Don't settle for second best with Jake.

[ConfusedGrad]

I think I have to agree with fourleafclover - as much as I want John it probably isn't going to happen or work well if it did... It's like "logic" says I should want Jake that way, and not John. But since I don't, it wouldn't be fair to Jake to try and force anything with him. I get that... it's like this internal conflict where my brain is not agreeing with my heart. Truth is I do miss being with Jake and the way he made me feel.

But the problem is, I'm wondering, see - why don't I have stronger feelings for Jake? And is it only because I started having feelings for John first? I'm just really worried that when or if my feelings for John subside I'll regret that I rejected Jake... I mean, what's it supposed to feel like anyways, with the "right" person? Has anyone on here fallen in love without that sense of infatuation? I actually made a list of things I wanted in the ideal boyfriend after I broke up with my ex, and Jake literally has everything! Is it possible for someone to be just too much of a match? That maybe I have a problem where I'm more attracted to John BECAUSE he's got more emotional flaws? Does that make sense? I guess really, I'm trying to understand myself and what I want with all this too.

[starbuck]

It's clear your infatuation with John is bad for you. Not only is it one-sided, but you seem to see him as a damaged man that you can "fix." Read the stickied "Shining Knight" thread here on the forums. You're coming dangerously close to a mindset that is not healthy.

It sounds to me like you have some issues of your own and one of these might be a fear of a real commitment. Hence your desire to fixate on the emotionally damaged guy who's unavailable and reject the one who is available.

I'm not really sure why you don't have stronger feelings for Jake, but either way, get over your John fixation. It's non-productive for you emotionally.

[jabberwox]

John sounds like an infatuation to me - you're blinded by his shortcomings and trivializing them - the fact the more rational part of your mind seems to kind of realize this is a warning sign. the sooner you get over him the better, so you can get on with your life.

As for Jake, well, to be honest this sounds alot like a situation I was in a little while ago (me being kind of the Jake in that case) - so I can very much empathize. Thing is, "logic" isn't enough - love doesn't follow it. Maybe there's something in your intuition/subconscious that recognizes something incompatible about Jake? On the other hand, I do think it could be possible that your infatuation might be keeping your feelings for Jake from having a chance to grow, especially since you seem uncertain about your rejection. Like it or not, it's hard to be "objective" about someone else when you're in the throes of infatuation - and frankly, yeah, I'm sure that does cause missed opportunities sometimes. But I don't really see that you can do anything about it. You won't be certain about Jake until you get over John, and that's not something you can just make yourself do instantly. In your favour, though, I think you did the right thing by being honest with him and stopped having sex with him.

[ConfusedGrad]

OK, I did read a some of that shining knight thread, and I think maybe I do have a little bit of that... and all of you seem to agree that my feelings for John aren't good for me - a part of me knew that, but there's another part of me that's being very stubborn (sometimes I wish love WAS more logical). So I would like to get over John as quickly as possible, but I see him almost everyday since we work in the same lab! Thankfully I'll be visiting friends and family for alot of the summer, so maybe the time away will help. But does anyone have any tricks for getting over someone?

On a more fundamental level, though, I realize now that this shining knight thing was going on with my ex a bit too - when we first started going out he was one of the types that "relentlessly pursues", I rejected him at first, but became more interested the more I saw how much he wanted me and how hurt he was when I said no - I look back now and see how silly that was, but it was the first time someone ever showed that level of interest in me and I kind of found myself responding to it instinctively... Is it wrong to want your partner to "need" you in some way? And does it speak to some personality flaw that I want to care/provide for my partner in a way they can't do for themselves? I'm wondering if maybe I'm not more attracted to Jake because he's one of those very self-secure and independent people and that he'd never actually "need" me for anything... If this is a problem I am open to change and won't respond badly to criticism - I see this as a chance for personal growth.

Thanks for everyone's comments so far :-)