Why does she want to be friends when she left me for someone else?

[Yandzibar]

Hello all. I was in a 3 year relationship which consisted of plans to move in together as well as marriage at a later date. We were not engaged, but in my eyes the only thing missing was the ring. Our families were practically one. Everything else, the desire the motivation the ambition, was all there. Long story short, after a shitty couple of months near the end, I saw her for the last time on valentine's day. She told me she loved me and would see me tomorrow. Well, I never saw her and exactly one WEEK later, she started dating someone else. After 2 months of not leaving the house except for work (she works 3 doors down) and lots of tears, I started to recover. I truly have no interest in finding someone else (yet) but her and I also know I will never take her back no matter what. Despite this, she still texts me and calls me at times, too frenquently for just "catching up" she has not made any advances towards me, but she has wanted to spend time with me multiple times. Me, being the empathetic person I am ( or idiot depending on your pov) I spent time with her a few times. Before I continue, I want to make it known that I felt NOTHING during this time. I had no temptation to kiss, hug, or show any affection. However, it DID feel good just to talk. That's actually what I miss most. I could have had the worst day possible and then talked to her and everything was better, and the same was true for her. I was a psych major so I have my own theories but I have also learned that sometimes objective opinions can help greatly. So I'm turning to you guys for aid. I'm not "torn" or "confused" about my feelings, I'm confused about hers. Any insight, good or bad, is appreciated.

[JasonG]

She may be keeping you around as a backup just incase things don't work out but often times it's a way of softening the blow of a breakup (in their eyes) and them believing it will hurt less if your still friends. Some people just can't be friends with their ex because they're afraid of the fact they made so much progress and when they become friends again and slowly act like they used to when being in a relationship that all of the progress they made comes slapping back in their face. Or that feelings will resurface on either end and you got yourself a problem there if she or even you is already with somebody else. OF COURSE she makes you feel good in some way when you talk with her... this is a girl you once loved or still love. I don't know man, I'd say be careful and don't let those feelings resurface or you're gonna have problems. If your coming on here asking about it then I'd say your not completely over her yet.

[Teddy057]

Well, it sounds like your relationship was based off friendship then. Those are the strongest kind. After such a cowardly act on her part, I would never want to see her face again, but that's just me. I mean, if you felt NOTHING when you two hung out after the break up, it sounds like you're ready to start dating new people, although I'm sure you're still in shock that someone could do this. 3 years of being together just to end one day because of another man? (Not to mention she never gave you an explanation, which you deserved) Ouch, that's pretty fu**ing cold-hearted dude. After 3 years of dating someone, that probably means she was your best friend. Of course it's going to feel better talking to her, but you can't. I honestly think it's going to mess you up more talking about your day to someone who is not with you anymore, you lost your best friend and so did she, thus why she keeps calling and texting you, you're her comfort zone. Do you really want to be there for her every night, knowing she's sleeping next to some other man? If you can be the bigger man and just enjoy talking to this girl, knowing she's not coming back, I applaud you. I know I couldn't.

[vashti]

She's trying to relieve her guilt over the break up.

Just tell her you don't want to be her friend.

[Unknown2010]

Been there done that, trust me it's not worth a friendship - even when you say you felt NOTHING for her theres always time for the feelings to come back into place, she dumped you, and i agree with the others that she is just using you for a comfort zone/back up. Also yes it's probably a way to try and ease her guilt for leaving you....I'd get out of it as soon as you can mate!

[Gigabitch]

She wants to be friends because she's a selfish asshole who wants to feel better about dumping you and also wants to make sure you're still her Plan B guy, just in case she gets dumped herself.

[Yandzibar]

If anyone is wondering why I thanked all of you
it's simply because you said something when you didn't have to.
I know I'm not 100% over her yet, but I'd rather
lie to myself and say I am and try to treat the
situation as such rather than grieve all day. I'm trying to be civil
being angry won't hurt anyone but me. While I secretly
curse her, she's having fun. It wouldn't do anything.

[xxazurexx]

You are the 'safety net'.

Falls back onto you and when things aint going so well with the new guy, or if things don't work out.

You will find she doesn't need you anymore, nor will she feel any need to call you anymore and once the transistion to the new guy is completed.

[cmacattack1]

You don't have to be angry and treat her with vengence or rage. Telling her that you would prefer it if she left you alone is not mean spirited at all. There isn't any more you and her, it's just you now and you need to look after your best interests. If her still being in your life is messing you up, you have to let her know that you need space. Which may be confusing now after being accepting of her behavior, but it's just being honest. I can't help but feels like she knows she has you and if things don't ever work out, she think she can play upon your feelings and you will be there for her. It won't get you anywhere that you want unfortunately in terms of getting back together though.

Like they said, more power to you for handling this with a cool demeanor. I can't help but wonder if it's really tearing you up on the inside. A couple months in a locked room can be pretty depressing, and I know it feels great to talk to her, but friends? With her ex when she's still dating a new guy? Doesn't add up.