Maybe I don't know how to date anymore...

[Kaius]

Here is my dating history, which is relevant to my question.

First love: age 18, serious, 8 months
College sweetheart: age 20, serious, 3 years
Rebound: Age 21, confused, 5 months
Wife: Age 23, serious, penpal for 4 years, dated 3 weeks...then married for 12 years.

I am newly divorced, dating a woman seriously for the last 5 months. We kinda broke up once 2 months ago, but this past weekend we seriously called it quits. But this time I swallowed my pride and begged for forgiveness, and she forgave me. Now we are together, but I'm kinda worried.

I am 35, and she is 38. We both are newly divorced with 2 small kids. Sometimes I feel the stress around us is affecting our relationship. I also feel maybe I am attached too soon, and maybe we are not ready for this. My feelings waiver back and forth, but it always comes back to the conclusion that I love her deeply and I want to spend my life with her. She and I are very compatible, but opposite personalities. The sex is amazing...beyond comprehension for both of us. We are deeply connected intellectually, emotionally and physically. It seemed so perfect just a few weeks ago, to the point where she asked me, "so whats the catch?....I've never met a man THIS perfect for me.....I can't even create a guy in my head more perfect than you." I was seriously pleased, as I felt the same way about her. You can call it honeymoon phase or whatever, but I thought we are mature enough to know what we want. We are not teenagers or inexperienced people....so I trust her perspectives.

My only insecurity at this point is how to I regain her trust again after this last big fight. I know people will always remember the hurt. I feel like such a dope because I don't know how to date anymore. I am like me when I was 18....so unsure and scared that she can never put stuff behind us. I didn't cheat. I didn't beat her. I didn't play mind games. I just said something very mean, which I clearly did not mean. I hurt her deeply, and I've been regretful. I took steps immediately to effect change. I went to a doctor to make sure I was not sick. I rearranged my plans so that I can be clearer about our future. I had a major attitude adjustment because I dont want any past hurt between us anymore.

Question: How does a woman truly forgive a man, after seeing the most wicked side of him? She told me that her image of me shattered that day when I said those incredibly mean and malicious things to her. I wasn't feeling well. She wasn't feeling well. Everything amplified. Has anyone ever survived such a big fight? I did it often with my ex-wife, and we stayed together for years because quitting wasn't so easy. But I think it's easier to quit when you are only dating. I hate this part.

[lahnnabell]

Well, what did you say exactly? Sometimes it depends on the words spoken. Apparently they were pretty bad if you're able to recognize and empathize with how hurt she is.

However, there comes a point in every relationship when we realize that the perfect person we thought our significant other was does not exist. Every person has flaws. It is how we deal with those flaws in the aftermath that matter. She doesn't sound as though she's ready to be very forgiving. Now, is this your first relationship since your marriage?

[Gigabitch]

The honeymoon is over, that's all. Now you start the real work of falling out of infatuation and into love. My best advice: be consistent. Don't threaten to break up. Fights will happen, especially in the next year or two. If you want to make it through this together, look at the big picture, not the momentary troubles.

Play chess, not checkers, you know what I mean?