What is wrong with my husband

[Argentina]

I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have 2 children. My husband has always been anxious, and this anxiety displays itself in the form of anger. Eg: a sudden change of plans means he starts yelling at everyone in the house to "hurry up". he also has some obssessive compulsive tendencies eg: easily upset and angered if the wrong cloth is used for cleaning something.

We have had counselling in the past and he has attended anger management classes in relation to his temper which he has taken out on me in unacceptable ways eg: pushing, threatening, verbal abuse, name calling. There is improvement for a while (months) and then we will have an argument (I can be prone to pushing his buttons) and he will explode into verbal or threatening abuse and occassional pushing. He carries out this behaviour towards me in front of the children and on some occasions in public. He does not seem concerned that his voice is bellowing abuse at me across the neighborhood.

In between these episodes he is a good hard-working, family man who shows love and affection

Over the past couple of years I have noticed him becoming more depressed and particularly in the last few months. Sleeping more during the day, crying at times and talk of suicide. He blames me for all his problems. Apparently I nag him too much, I don't give him enough affection, I don't support him etc. We can have rational conversations about all this and he appears to respond well, but then his mood will change suddenly (even within half an hour) and he will become angry and make snide remark towards me. I have said to him many times that if he is not happy with me and our life that he is free to leave. However, his response is always to say "that's want you want...for me to leave." He thinks that I have schemed and planned right from the beginning to "use him and then lose him". The next day he will act like everything is fine and appear like a normal balanced individual.

Last month I asked him to visit his doctor to get help for his anxiety and depression. He was prescribed Cymbalta which he takes everyday. We had an argument 10 days ago about a normal domestic type issue (nothing serious). Even after I apologised (which was reasonable - I did start the argument after having a bad day myself) he has not been able to let the issue go and has spent the last 10 days telling me that "I need to fix the problem. I caused it and I should do something to make it up to him". I ask him what he wants me to do other than apologise, but he cannot tell me.

The verbal abuse and threats became much worse and the other night after drinking his way through 7 cans of beer he started the whole thing again. I have just been happy to drop the subject and move on, however he follows me around the house demanding answers, shouting and verbally abusing me. It reached the point (and I have never seen him like this before) whereby I had to lock myself and children in the bedroom while he smashed on the door and kicked a hole in the wall. He just kept continually verbally abusing me through the door. I had no choice but to call the police as I was terrified (as was our daughter). The police were unable to arrest him but sent him to hospital (given the combination of his medication and the alcohol). The next day he remembered very little about the incident and continued to alternate between moods of abusive anger and normal rational discussion.

It is very distressing for me as I still love him and want to keep the family together. My daughter is really angry towards him now. At my request to keep all of us safe, he has moved out. He left me a note saying that " it is over, finished. There is no going back". The next day he visits the children to take them to school and he is very calm and reasonable towards me. We are able to give each other a hug and I offer to support him if he wants to see his doctor, psychologist etc. He takes it all really well, but tomorrow could be another story. Am I naive to think that he may have a mental illness or am I just not seeing that he is really a horrible abusive man with little hope of change.

[VanessaFR]

It's hard to read such a wall of text. You should make some paragraphs. As for your husband, I don't know. Sorry.

[Argentina]

Thanks VanessaFR. I have taken your point about the paragraphs and edited.
Cheers

[sehvral]

Bipolar perhaps? Sounds like he vacillates between depressive and manic states. And it explains the OCD tendencies as well, it isn't uncommon to see them side-by-side.

Then again, he might just be an asshole =)

[QueenofCorona]

I think the damage is irreparable. He has a lot of work to do on himself, and as a father as well as a husband. All three areas being seperate points of his life that he has to build up. He cannot love anyone else if he doesn't care about himself and obviously he has shown that. The drinking needs to stop. Forever. I would suggest a seperation. Seek help for yourself and your children. If not for yourself, your children, so this cycle is not repeated in 20 years by another man in your daughters adult life. They need to know this is not acceptable behavior by their father, let alone any man. EVER. I have no respect for any "man" like your husband unless he's in AA, Anger Managment, or any other counseling/support group trying his damndest to better himself after what he's done.

[Argentina]

I agree he has a lot of work to do and ultimately it is his responsiblity. We have separated in the last few days and I have and will continue to explain to the chidren that his behavior is unacceptable. It is sad for us all.
Thanks for your thoughts

[vashti]

I don't know why you are looking for an reasonable explanation to unacceptable behavior. (Are you planning to use his mental instability as an excuse to stay?)

Whether he is mentally ill or not, he is clearly not fit to be around you, and god forbid, children. Staying with him will cause irreparable harm to your daughter. Get yourself together, woman, and leave him.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with Vashti completely. WHY he is like this is his problem, not yours, and if he blames you for all of his problems, he's nowhere near being able to address them.

Stop focusing on him and take a look at yourself. You've stayed with an abusive man for 10 years while he's pushed you and hollered at you in front of your kids. Regardless of what happens with him, YOU have to be the grown-up here and stay separated from him. He's not qualified to take part in the decision making process.