does she worth the effort?

[kalmagyula]

Hi there,
I've met a girl two weeks ago on a trip. We had great time together and we flirted for a while.
She lives in another town, 100km from mine, but I was convinced she likes me.(we are the same age, both single, share same values, have same expectation and we both liked each others look as well as "inside" and can communicate deeply when together)

3 days after the trip I decided to show up telling her that I have something to do in her town and I called. She did replied but she called me back and we met. We had a great time, a coffee, I nice walk in a park ... and the first kiss. We just could go, so we spent the night together talking and kissing.

Since then, we've met one more time (4 days ago), it was her birthday and I gave her bunch of roses...
She told me that she likes me, the way I am, the way I kiss her and she feels great with me and that we should keep meeting and see what happens... she didn't wanted to let me go... she kept me hugging 10 minutes in front of her door before leaving

and the turning point...
I noticed that I am the one who keeps contacting her, and however she replies and writes me sometimes, I was the one feeling that I'm pushing something...
and I mentioned that we should work little on the communication topic...
AND THEN SHE told me that she is in touch with another guy (for about 1 month), they never met, but might, and she may want to see what happens next

I asked for few details, talked a little about that and ended the talk with "ok, will talk about that next time in person"
A meeting is scheduled for next Tuesday...
The question is, what does she want now, because I didn't called / wrote her and I don't want to talk about this over phone / IM...

[xxazurexx]

What does she want?

Well obviously shes keeping you around on the sidelines, while she's off testing the waters with some other man she hasn't even met.

So for you, it's gonna be a waiting game (if you want to wait it out) and the best man is gonna win.

I wouldn't be in a situation where I was feeling I was having to compete for some guys affections.
You either want me dude, or you don't....

[kalmagyula]

well, usually I like waiting games while dating... but only if they are 1 on 1...

I guess I will need to make her choose, and If she is more attracted to the other one there is no problem,
but I'm not the type who would enter such a competition...

anyway the scenario she has set up tells some clues about how she is...

btw, I have a hard time not calling or texting her, but I think contacting her only will send the message that "I'm still available" and her reaction will be "heading directly in the arms of the other guy"... it rarely happens, but I'm a bit confused now

[xxazurexx]

I would do the same I think, in that I would make her choose and between who she has more interest in pursuing.
Why the heck should you continue to stick around and for the grand finale and when the winner may not even be you.

I don't believe in this 'dating' and test driving many people and all at the same time.
How on earth do you get to know someone properly and when they are off dating different ones every night of the week?

You could also tell her that you are not prepared to put your life on hold and await her decision.
That you will be continuing to see other women too, even if you don't plan on doing that.

Make her aware that she is not your ONLY option. That you are in DEMAND also

[Jas_mine]

Yes it's a little unfair but I can kind of see her point of view, she had been chatting to this guy for a teeny bit longer than you and probably feels like she should check him out maybe out of curiosity or just so that there are no regrets. Just don't pin your hopes on this girl, I don't know if you are okay with the situtation, whether you can accept that she isn't entirely sure about you to make it exclusive and would rather keep her options open but you should adopt the same mentality - please don't wait around for her to make her decision, go date others.

[kalmagyula]

well, it's obvious that I will not stay at home dreaming about what could have happened with her, and if she says that she wants to go with the other guy or that she is not sure and we should wait I want to end the story with her.

I know that opportunities would be in a "you date others" "i date others" agreement, but for this, I don't NEED to travel to the next town weekly...

In addition, it shows that she's not sure and may want to explore, and this could happen in the future as well

[xxazurexx]

Well speaking as a woman and If I had different options, I'd choose the one guy who appealed to me most and I'd want to concentrate on getting to know him.
All other options would be 'closed'....

If I was in the situation where I'd been chatting to some guy for a while and another guy appeared on the scene who I was taken with, then I'd ditch the guy I'd been chatting too. I wouldn't feel obligated to meet him and give him first chance, based on the fact I'd chatted to him longer. I'd go for who appealed to me most..........

I'm gonna be honest. She is wanting to explore things with him first and foremostly and because she prefers him IMO.

That doesn't mean she doesn't like you....she likely does.

Unfortunatley he came on the scene first and she likes him, enough to want to pursue things anyway.
Then you showed up, she likes you, but she is feeling more of a 'pull' towards the other guy.

[kalmagyula]

I see, well I guess the scenario you described is highly probable, and if so, we need to end it...
If she want to go with the other guy, she needs to take the risk... and I'm not gonna wait for her and offer her a B plan choise ...

we will see tomorrow, when we will meet...

[Gigabitch]

Don't give up. Stay in the game. Confidence is attractive, show her some of that.

[kalmagyula]

hi there,
yesterday I visited her.
at first she didn't showed to many emotions so I just gave her a kiss on her face and kept talking. We went to buy some food... and then she asked if we should eat it in the car or should go to her place.
I said, ok let's go to your place and then go out for a walk...
She also played hard to get when she noticed that I will not give her a kiss so easy... and the game went on for quite a while.
At a moment, when I was out on her terrace, she approached me and finally we've kissed.
The strange thing about the communication part came when I asked her to talk a bit about what's between us, generally...
She said, I feel great with you, I like you, and I will not regret if only this is what will happened between us, but I would prefer to talk about future plans when the time comes...
This was clearly a reference in the direction of the other guy...
The thing is, I guess, she has more interest for him right now cause they never met and he really exists only in her imagination... while she already "has me" or at least thinks this.
The strange thing about this is how does it come that this guy didn't asked her out after chatting for more then a month ?

Additionally, a part of me says let's continue this cat and mouse seduction game, especially cause I have the advantage of relative physical closeness yet and let things take their course... however another part of me says I should talk about this with her and if I don't get a clear answer just dump her...

[workoutgirl1970]

You are way too attractive to be wasting time chasing her if she doesn't appreciate what she has then it is her loss.

[kalmagyula]

well, basically you are right, and in other circumstances I would be out of the game already...

but the fact is that the more I get to know this girl, the more I realize that the way she behaves now just doesn't fit her general profile and an advice would be good on that, because I may be wrong...

So, generally she's hones, hard working, genuine and serious in all fields of life... however, when it comes to boys she's different than the above mentioned.
The things I noticed, based on our interaction and especially things we talked about is that she is attracted to only a small part of the boys (she has high standards), who fit her needs and expectations, however after getting together she's the one who dumps them and acts as if she wouldn't need a man.

now, the thing is, she had a 7 year relationship with a guy in the past (it ended last summer), a relationship where she wasn't quite happy and satisfied but kept trying until she realized that no matter how hard she tries and sacrifisses herself things will not work.
So apparently, the more a guy tries to come closer to her after they have a relationship and the more he shows that he likes her, a mechanism kicks in that says "dump him"...

now I know and saw signs that she prefers serious / long term relationship... but I guess her "fast dumping mechanism" needs to be understood first.

[damn2010]

Why not set up an actual date instead of all this "lets get food and talk"? Sounds boring.

And don't bring her a whole bunch of flowers and stuff right away. I used to do that, it can really shock and surprise some girls and they like it...but it's a "nice" move and not one for early dating, especially if you don't know where I stand with her. She needs to 'chase' you a little.

Love is ALWAYS a risk. If she's scared of getting hurt again that is HER problem, not yours. If she is going to keep that fear for the rest of her life then she should be alone.