Has Anyone Been Through This That Can Advise Me Please?

[LadyR]

Hello,

This is my first post here, so please be gentle with me! I know some people will judge me negatively for what I am going to write, which I'm sure I deserve, but I would still love some support and advice - particularly from anyone who has been in a similar situation to the one I am in, as it is driving me crazy and I've just got no one I can talk to about it

I have been with my DH for 10 years and we have a school-age child together. My DH and I both work part-time, so we have a good quality of life - nice house in a good area, etc. - and share childcare. Everything in my life is, to outside appearances, totally fine. In other words, I know I should feel lucky, happy, fulfilled.

The trouble is that, some years ago, I met another guy through work and I found myself falling in love with him. Nothing physical has ever happened between us, but even a slight brush of the hand leaves me trembling. Somehow, we connected: he fills my soul (sounds corny, I know, but true).

I'm not sure whether I had already fallen out of love with my DH by the point I met this other guy, but it certainly didn't help... My DH is a good man, works hard, says he loves me etc. But he's also a very difficult person to live with - has terrible tempers and can be very mean to me (verbally, not physically). I find it tough living with him.

The other guy is sensitive and calm. He seems to understand me. Unfortunately, he is also already in a long-term relationship and, although he has told me he adores me, he doesn't feel her can leave her. I'm likewise very scared of upsetting everything in my life, destroying my DH and destabilising the life of my child. So, we have agreed not to take it any further.

The trouble is that I can't get him out of my head and I'm utterly miserable.

Maybe it's because I'm in my mid-30s and I see my life passing me by and I try to imagine spending the rest of it with my DH, but I just can't. He frequently talks about where we should move to when we retire together (he is only late-30s) and the whole thought of still being together at 70 freaks me out! I can't believe I'm only half way through my life but it's all set out like a path already - one I don't really want to be on ...

I think the worst part is that my DH doesn't want any more children and I would love to have more, while the other guy's wife is much older than him and can't have kids and he would love to be a father: it breaks my heart...

I know that I should just think: I made my bed and I should lie in it. I should put my kid first. I also know that I'm probably at least partly suffering from 'grass is always greener' syndrome and that living with this other guy might not be so wonderful when I'm actually doing it every day, but, although our working situation has changed now and we only see each other about three times a year, I am just as crazy about him as before and things seem to be getting worse rather than better.

I think it's getting hard for me to distinguish whether the problem comes from being in love with this other guy, or whether the problem has already been in my relationship for a long time and this is just an outlet for it: does that make sense?

Anyway, apologies for rambling, thanks for reading, and I hope to hear from someone who had a similar experience soon.

Thanks!

[xxazurexx]

The other guy is a total waste of your time. He has made it clear that he would never leave his partner. That suggests to me, that all you would ever to be to him, is a 'roll in the hay' and once in a while. You'd be far more unhappy in this situation, than you are in your current one.

Why, if there is nothing going on between you two and like you say there isn't, has this topic of leaving partners even been approached? Is it normal for people who aren't involved, to think about and talk of leaving partners? I wouldn't expect things like this to be discussed and unless in a 'fully fledged' affair?

I think that if you are as unhappy as you say and in your current situation, the kindest thing to do is to end it.
Why stick around in it and continue to decieve your partner into thinking everythings just all 'hunky dory', when in fact it's not?

I think that sometimes we need a little time alone and our own and to figure out what we really want.

You should sit him down, talk about things with him and tell your partner how you are feeling. Perhaps suggest a break and so that you can get your head together.

One thing is for sure, I wouldn't put your partnership at risk and on the offchance and in the hopes that the other guy will leave his partner for you....he's made it CLEAR he won't, so there will be no new life on the horizon with him.

[LadyR]

Dear Azure,

Thanks for your post: I appreciate it.

I know it probably sounds crazy to say you are in love with someone that you've never been 'intimate' with in that way, but I have had a number of relationships in my life (before my DH) and this is the one guy that I have felt a true connection with over all these years, and he has told me he feels the same way about me. We have spent hours and hours in bars and restaurants talking about just about everything and it all just feels so right.

But I totally accept your point that it would be crazy to leave my DH for him - I just wish I could put him out of my mind altogether, but even though I try to hardly ever see him, it's been years now and my feeling have only got stronger.

You're right that the root of the problem, I think, lies with my current situation, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to go through the upheaval of leaving my DH and the turmoil it would bring to my child. I think I have to try to struggle on for her sake until she leaves home, then maybe I will have the courage to do it...

I just wondered whether anyone had ever lived through a similar situation and managed to get over not being with the person they think is 'the love of their life' - or whether they had just ended up sad and depressed.

Thanks for your advice, though, Azure!

[TreISGod]

Exactly how old is your child, might I ask? It has a somewhat signifigant role in if you should leave DH- whether it's for this other man or not-.

[Jas_mine]

Work Guy is possibly alluring because of the forbidden, fun and fresh aspect involved. This highlights what is missing in your marriage. Maybe you could ressurect your relationship by trying to find a way to inject the passion back into it. Naturally you have to work at relationships, after a while the romance can fade or become replaced with other priorities such as career, finance, mortgages and what not, you need to discuss your feelings with your other half (not the ones about Work Guy!) and see whether you can rediscover each other, try to make time in your schedules to date again, make things new and exciting - go for dinner and a little dancing, or maybe you could partake a hobby or class together or even take a short break - something that involves just the two of you and nobody else.

Of course, that is only if you want to salvage your marriage. I wouldn't say you should just for the sake of your child, that is no real reason to stay in a loveless relationship, however I don't feel you should give up so easily, maybe it is just a phase, I don't know, have you considered counselling - that may help.

[xxazurexx]

Staying for a child is a totally wrong reason.

I'd want any partner of mine to stay for ME, not the child.

LadyR. Yes I have felt strong connections with certain guys that I havn't been intimate with either, so I understand where you are coming from. In particular one guy who was married and I was recently seperated.
I too had thought 'WOW, never felt this way before about a guy' and no other guy I'd known compared to him..

Your situation is NOT unique.

What happened in my situation is, I went complete 'cold turkey' on this guy and because he was 1. Married 2. It went against my morals and to get involved with 'taken' men..

2 months later I was OVER him and met someone new.

I also agree with everything Jas said. They are 'alluring' simply because they are 'forbidden'.
It's one big 'fantasy' bubble and you have this guy on a pedestal....

The one advantage that he has over your husband, is he is NEW and you havn't discovered him yet. (and not likely too either)
Whereas your husband is familiar.....same old, same old and life can get dull with same old, same old.

[vashti]

Staying for a child is a totally wrong reason.

I'd want any partner of mine to stay for ME, not the child.

That seems pretty selfish to me, particularly if said partner is the biological parent of that child.

[xxazurexx]

That seems pretty selfish to me, particularly if said partner is the biological parent of that child.

Thing is, kids don't make relationships and kids can't make them work.

If things are wrong in the marriage and between a couple, kids can sense it.

And I just think it's wrong to stay with someone that you no longer love/are not happy with, etc and for the sake of the kids.

I've been in that situation. My ex H walked out and we have a child. I'd rather him have walked, than have him choose to remain for her sake.
I wouldn't stay in a loveless marriage and for the sake of a child.

And parents can still be parents, even if they are not together.

[LadyR]

Thanks so much for all your replies: great to hear everyone's thoughts about my situation. Just sitting on my own thinking about it is driving me crazy, so it really helps to use this forum to get advice. Thanks!

In answer to your question: my kid just turned eight and my DH is her father.

I would never judge anyone on whether they stay together or separate from a partner for the sake of their children - everyone has to reach their own decision on it. I have plenty of friends who are separated/divorced with kids and, of course, their kids are doing totally fine, so I know it can work.

I don't really know why I feel like I ought to stay with my DH until my kid leaves home. I guess I'm scared of being on my own as a single parent (pathetic, I know, but true) and scared of all the financial upheaval it would cause and the hurt. My DH and I argue quite a lot and when we do my kid is always really tearful asking whether we're going to break up and will she have to move house (cos this happened to so many of her friends) and who will she have to go and live with - all that kind of thing. It makes me so scared of hurting her. I wonder if I'm also imitating the behaviour of my parents, who stayed together 'for us kids' despite being unhappy for much of that time. (They are still together now and seem to be happier - so maybe it can work out.)

You're all absolutely right that I am putting 'work guy' on a pedestal and that he would probably not seem so great if I was having to cook his supper and wash his socks every day. I guess I just thought that after five years of knowing him, my feelings for him would be fading somewhat, but they haven't. Even when I don't see him for months, as soon as we are together again, it all comes flooding right back. In fact, it doesn't ever go away, I just try to push it to the back of my mind - usually not very successfully. When we're together, talking, sometimes he puts his arm around me and it's like there's no one else in the world. We often talk about what we would do in our parallel universe where we could be together if it didn't all seem just too difficult ...

Anyway, DH and I do always have one evening a month where we do something together - go for dinner, to the movies, etc. I know that doesn't sound too often, but he works away a lot. Trouble is, we either have very little to say to each other or we end up bickering and arguing. (I drive him nuts asking him what's happening in the film - that kind of thing. In fact, I drive him nuts with just about everything I do...) Our sex life isn't a disaster - at least once a week - but I just don't really feel it any more.

I would consider relationship counseling, but I'd never get DH to agree to it - he's the kind of guy that sees it as a 'dumb waste of money' and 'girlie', you know? I'm starting to think that maybe the best next step for me is to see a counselor myself and try to sort out what it is I want in life and then, maybe when I know that, I can assess the best way forward in my relationship. This probably sounds terrible, but I think a big part of me is willing him to leave me, because I am too much of a coward to break it off myself ...

I know I must leave 'work guy' out of the equation and try to forget about him. It's just hard because I can't entirely avoid him because of the work connection - and, of course, the fact that I think he's great...

Anyway, thanks for all your support!

[vashti]

And I just think it's wrong to stay with someone that you no longer love/are not happy with, etc and for the sake of the kids.

I understand. It just seems that if EVERYONE felt that way, no one would be married by the time we get to be our grandparent's age.

I've been in that situation. My ex H walked out and we have a child. I'd rather him have walked, than have him choose to remain for her sake.
I wouldn't stay in a loveless marriage and for the sake of a child.

I hope your child felt the same way about daddy leaving. I realize they sometimes they do, especially when the parents can't behave themselves when living under the same roof.....

[IndiReloaded]

I should put my kid first. I also know that I'm probably at least partly suffering from 'grass is always greener' syndrome.

The problem has already been in my relationship for a long time and this is just an outlet for it: does that make sense?

All of this^.

Yes, the grass is always greener, except its not. Almost every long-time married couple goes through something like this. Your experience and feelings for this other guy are far from unique. Your husband (is that what DH means?) sounds like a good man and no real dealbreakers, so be happy with what you have. Lots of women would love to trade places with you. Go find a more productive hobby and stop trying to start an affair. Focus on your child. You have no good reason to contemplate breaking up a perfectly nice family and marriage (his and yours) just b/c you are bored.

[IndiReloaded]

I hope your child felt the same way about daddy leaving. I realize they sometimes they do, especially when the parents can't behave themselves when living under the same roof.....

Thanks for this, Vash. Sorry, Azure, but I agree completely with her. No children ever want their parents to split, even when the situation is atrocious (Vash was just being kind, or sarcastic). To do it just for 'feeling unhappy' is one of the most irresponsible, selfish things a parent can do.

[vashti]

LadyR - I can't tell you how many women I know who divorced their husbands, only to end up marrying another guy who was just like him. Seriously, unless he is unfaithful, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or physically abusive, I don't see why you can't invest some effort in trying to save this. I understand boredom, but children do not generally thrive when their moms are dating like a teenager, rather than focusing their energy on their babies.

[LadyR]

I know that I must sound selfish and whinging, but I am going to try to keep this relationship going for the sake of my kid.

I haven't really been dating like a teenager: it's been the same guy for five years and I haven't actually been unfaithful (well, not in body, although I suppose it depends how you define these things).

It just gets me down so much sometimes being in love with someone that I can't have, and I guess I started this thread to see if anyone else had been in the situation of trying to keep a relationship going while being in love with someone else for so long and whether it had ever got better.

Thanks for the posts

[cmacattack1]

Things will not get better if you have a defeatist attitude. Saying your husband won't do ciounseling before you even try is just giving up. If this marriage and life means alot to you, you should explore every avenue of what can be done. But you can't possibly fake your way through this like everything is okay. Resentment is going to build and I think it will create a rocky household environment. I'm not a parent so I probably wouldn't understand, but that's just how I feel having a mother that is passive aggressive and all.

You have already emotionally cheated on your husband though and are spending hours and hours away from him bonding with the work guy when you could be putting the time in other areas. You have to redirect that towards your home life if you want that to improve, otherwise it's going to stagnate more and get worse.