Relationship advice? Biggest decision of my life

[trance33]

I'm 22 and have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. Its been a very loving relationship and someone who i definitely think is 'the one'

However our sex life has never been good infact we hardly ever do full sex. I dont think its a case of needing to spice up the sex life I love her but dont lust her anymore....

She is the only person i have slept with and i'm thinking i may regret this in years to come.
I would never cheat on her or anyone.... so i am torn between being emotionally happy (i know with her i would have a nice life) and having fun while i am still young. I kinda get the feeling shes the perfect person but at the wrong time?!?

I know that leaving her will devastate her and i may not find someone like her again. But i also dont think its not fair to her for me to be thinking these things and carrying on.

Thanks so much for reading i would really appreciate your thoughts, please leave your age/sex so i can tell where the viewpoint is coming from?

[Doc Durian]

I'm 22 and have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. Its been a very loving relationship and someone who i definitely think is 'the one'

However our sex life has never been good infact we hardly ever do full sex. I dont think its a case of needing to spice up the sex life I love her but dont lust her anymore....

She is the only person i have slept with and i'm thinking i may regret this in years to come.
I would never cheat on her or anyone.... so i am torn between being emotionally happy (i know with her i would have a nice life) and having fun while i am still young. I kinda get the feeling shes the perfect person but at the wrong time?!?

I know that leaving her will devastate her and i may not find someone like her again. But i also dont think its not fair to her for me to be thinking these things and carrying on.

Thanks so much for reading i would really appreciate your thoughts, please leave your age/sex so i can tell where the viewpoint is coming from?

I'm 35 years old and male, divorced once at an early age, with numerous lovers since and fixated on one these days.. I think she may be "the one".

Ask yourself whether it is society and your culture which gives you second thoughts and doubts or some real personal aspect between the two of you.

At 22, you're still considered young by modern standards, yet you were with someone for all 4 years of your legally adult life.

I married at barely 21 years old with forever intentions, but I chose wrong. I also didn't know her an 1/8th of the time you've known your significant other.

I filed for divorce when I was 23 years old.. after only three years of being involved, and only 2 years of being physically together, with added new offspring (the offspring emotionally prevented me from leaving after 3 months, initially, and weighed on my mind until I finally had enough and made the break.)

They say that early twenty somethings should be out studying, drinking, screwing, and whatnot... that they're not ready yet for a commitment or a lifelong marriage, and I still disagree.

I'd still be with that same person, had she been the right one.

Something to say about long term couples and married folks...

...they don't always maintain the puppy dog love or lust in sustainable measures, but they do go through cycles.

That's natural... it's how humans work, and how relationships work.

Some days, weeks, months... it's not always the best... but alternately, when things are hot and heavy... they work very well indeed... in the meantime, there is love and respect, regardless.

Congrats... you've been with someone for 4 years... you care about her, she cares about you... you're going through a dry patch and questioning where you should be, what you're doing, and where you'll end up.

That's natural... for 20 somethings to 70+ somethings.

The game doesn't change, and neither does love.

The only difference is that society through media, pop culture, legislation, and whatever all actively attempts to paint adults under the age of thirty in a committed life long relationship as somehow unnatural.

So take your gal out.... show her how you feel about her.

Turn the radio, television, and internet off... if it's a problem. Hang out with older friends in relationships versus ratbaggy friends on the prowl in your own age groups.

Trust me, if I or other sorts could do it all again.... we'd gladly do it without distractions or unnecessary plastic bullshit.

Be happy that you've got someone special.

Turf the naysayers and the second thoughts.

Good luck.

[javagirl87]

i don't think it matters how "good" the actual sex is...if you're with someone you really want to be with and connect with than the sex should be good no matter how crappy it actually is. if that makes sense. if you don't feel like having sex with her often that might just mean you have a low libido, which there's nothing wrong with. i would focus on the reason the sex isn't often and what it might have to do with rather than doubting that she is the one for you. i'm 22 and have dated about 6 men...only 2 of which i feel i have really loved. and only one i feel is the one for me (my most recent). don't let anyone tell you that you're blinded or that "bad sex" should be a dealbreaker. chances are none of those people have felt what it's like to be with "the one" before.

[girl68]

I don't think this feeling is going to go away. I do think that you will forever regret not being able to experience what else is out there. I also think that there is more than one person who could potentially be "the one". So even if you did lose this girl who you think could be the one I also think you will be able to find another girl who could be "the one".

[dono01]

On one hand, if you're even considering breaking up with her, then I say do it. I personally know that when I met my wife I knew I wanted to be with ONLY HER for the rest of my life. Even before we kissed for the first time.

[vashti]

I also think 22 is too young to be making "forever decisions". You are still at an age where a great amount of emotional growth is occurring, and you may be outgrowing this relationship, but I don't think that can be blamed for your sex life. That your interest in sex is somewhat diminishing is normal after four years of sameness, in addition to the fact that your testosterone-producing levels may have peaked.

Maybe your girlfriend would be open to dating causally? (I doubt it, but it's a possibility you might explore.)

[JasonVoorhees]

Im exacly in you're situation, altough the reason im in it is afte my girlfriend pissed me off for long and i always supported her yet, then when she crossed the line my mind got confused and now your same toughts are going trough my mind, and was already gonna break up twice this much and im still not decided... i think you should thin it wisely tough if she never did any bad things to you

[trance33]

Thanks everyone for the comments so far its great to hear different peoples thoughts.

Just to reply to some of your comments:
Java girl87 - the connection with us is great and for the last 4 years i have always said to myself the poor sex life doesn't matter, but now at almost 23 with time flying by my fear is i may regret the chance to enjoy other people. I have an average libido, my girlfriend has a low libido but thats not really the issue because when we have sex its not great anyway. I dont doubt shes the one either.

Girl 68 - I'm worried you may be right and this feeling wont go away. but i'm scared i will live to regret leaving her. Leaving her would mean losing my best friend and companion.

Vashti - i think i have been so in love with this girl that i have just accepted the bad sex life because other parts of our relationship are perfect (i prefer emotional happiness to sex life)
but the definite worry is that i will regret not having experienced others in say 10 years time...

I really look forward to more of your thoughts on this guys thanks a lot

[girl68]

I too was afraid to move one. I felt like I came so far (with my ex the one I was with for 5 years) that I had to see it through. Though at the end of the day I took the chance to find someone else. Had a fling inbetween got that out of my system. And I did end up finiding what I truely wanted. He is the one and while I still care for and always will care for my ex (he was a very good guy all around) he just wasn't the right one. Best to get out now before you get even MORE serious...

[loveandhate21]

Sex shouldn't be THE determining factor. You should look at the relationship overall. Does she make you happy? Do you make her happy? Do you both feel love and appreciation in the relationship? Can you talk to her about anything? Can you just sit there together and just be? Do you do things together that you both enjoy? When you do fight (because its healthy to fight in a relationship) do you make compromises and calmly disscus your points with each other? There are a lot of things that make a good relationship. Too many to name.
My husband was not my first and I totally regret that he wasn't (but honestly that may just be because of my past experinces) . To be honest from my point of view (due to having been with more than one guy) I don't think that sex with other people is that important. I know where your girlfriend is coming from with having a low libido. Maybe it just seems like she doesn't want it that much. I know that sometimes my husband is in the mood but I'm not, that could be part of the problem. You two should talk about it and discuss having sex more often or trying new things, you should both give a little to meet in the middle and meet each others needs. That helped my relationship out so much because sex is a big part of relationships. If sex isn't great like you want then maybe you should try new things to make it what you both want. If she prefers to cuddle and nap together but you prefer to have sex then you should talk about it and maybe have sex and then cuddle? Just my thoughts on the issue. I hope it was helpful.

[xxazurexx]

You say you lost the 'lust'. Bad sign.

While sex isn't the be all and end all, you still need that sexual attraction and connection, else over the years it would end up a 'sexless' marriage.
If you can go without sex and be with someone you feel no desire for and for the next seventy years, but you married her and well...cuz she's nice, all well and good.

I think that 22 is way to young also and to be considering 'forever' and more so when you are feeling the way you do.

[isay]

My boyfriend kind of felt that way once (not bc of bad sex but because he was young and inexperienced)....he broke up with me and during his time alone realized that he was happier with me than without me. Sometimes it takes time away to realize these things...sad thing is that if you decide to come back it may be too late

[loveandhate21]

Don't let your age factor into it either, my husband and I met when I was about to turn 16 and got married not even three months after I turned 19, and our relationship is blossoming and growing still (like a normal relationship should) If you love her and you do understand that forever is forever then don't let the fact that you're young hold you back.

[Mish]

I'm 22 and have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. Its been a very loving relationship and someone who i definitely think is 'the one'

However our sex life has never been good infact we hardly ever do full sex. I dont think its a case of needing to spice up the sex life I love her but dont lust her anymore....

I think that if your situation involves disparity in sex drives then it will probably become a bigger issue in the future and there won't be a lot you will be able to do to fix that. The possibility of cheating by you or her will increase exponentially. One of the regulars on this forum is someone who married a woman with a sex drive much different to his and not a day goes by where he doesn't regret making that fateful decision. Don't end up in a similar situation.

[Naive]

I can relate, I got into a long term relationship when I was at a young age, by the time I was 20 I realised I loved him but he was my first boyfriend, the only person I'd slept with and he'd held me back from going off to University. I was scared I'd never experience life or being with anyone else, I'd become a little wifey at barely 20 basicallly.
In the end I started subconciously messing things up. I found out later he was planning to propose but I'd become such a nightmare not knowing what I wanted that we split up.

Since then I've dated others and so has he, I've gone off to Uni, I've lived alot and had alot of random crazy adventures. We split up over 3 years ago now and have hooked up once since then but he's always in the back of my mind. Neither of us has had a relationship that lasted that long since. I've thought alot about him recently and that I know he was " the one", unfortunatley he has a gf at the moment and we're about 45 miles apart. I'm kinda biding my time there haha.

The point being though, I let him go because I KNEW I had things I needed to experience in life. It hurt like hell at first but I honestly believe that one day we'll get back together despite the fact we rarely see eachother now. I'm so glad I went to experience life instead of being engaged, married and with kids in my early 20's.

It's gonna be tough but if you are meant to be together then you will be even if you're apart for 1/2/5/10 years.