u guys will hate this story, i bet

[kingkong]

I was in a rather abusive relationship (mentally because i can have a good job but he doesnt). For those who doesnt have the background about the current me, i'll just say that i've just been out of my 4 years long relationship 2 months ago. Adding on to that, im a very curious person.

And this is my story: I joined a new company shortly before breaking up with my bf. Due to work problem, the headquarter sent a person to our branch to supervise us for a month and that's how i meet him. According to him, the first moment seeing me among the other ppl in the office greeting him on his first day here, his heart moved. Even though he's 35 (im 23), he always act young, happy and energetic. Everyone in the office like him. Because of him, we actually gather and go out together sometimes.

I, on the other hand, dont care about him at first, i've just broke up with my ex for a few weeks or so. Im not looking for anybody. Just minding my own business

To shorten the story, let's just understand the fact if a 35 ys old man with experiences in life/handling women wants to get a young girl, it would be quite easy. His strategy is perfect, he never once push hard that i would be scared of him but increase day by day. His first attempt is to ask if i want to go to a tourist place with him politely (cause he's new, hence => visiting places). Normally, i would never accepted this invite but just out of a relationship as i was, i didnt want to stay at home alone thinking of my ex. So i accepted and went with him. The day ended nicely as one might guess, he offered to take me home and we talked hours in front of my place.

I enjoined the conversation and knowing his intentions, i tried to push him into friend zone but he always have way to prevent it from happening, and always sweet and caring. He never did anything too forward but of course, the intention is still clear (mostly due to the fact i never took it too seriously).

So every weekend he would ask me to go places and never once i rejected it (just need a reason to get out of the room and i dont have friends - after effect of being in a relationship for 4 years). For the 1st month he was here, we see each other everyday, at work and in weekends. Oh, btw, did i mentioned he has a gf in his home town? I saw that on his facebook. That's also something make me think we would become friends and felt comfortable with this. And then a few days before he went back, i saw his facebook and saw some old text "i love *his gf name" and i was jealous . He noticed but didnt know why. Only after we all went home, he asked and i told him via msn because of that. He took cab to my place at 11pm and told me he likes me and he was sorry. The day later, is the day he went back his country. End chap 1.

Maybe due to his pursue, the company agreed to send him here for another month. He came again (still an attached man). i never once asked him to break up with his ex, i think we arent going to work out because of the distance, because half the reason i like him because i was just out of a relationship. After a while, i decided that as long as im aware of this fact, i want to continue and see how this thing end (out of curiosity). Of course he isnt a really good person (cheating) so if i hurt him because i hangout with him without real liking, he deserves it. I feel sorry for his gf and know this is wrong but as i said... And we got closer and closer, hugging, kissing, mostly everything except sex. He has lots of experiences due to age. I have never felt physically attracted to by ex bf but he does make me feel very very different. He had a relationship in the past lasted for 12 years (they was living together) and she broke up with him for another guy. The current relationship lasted 2 years. And because of the previous relationship, he became quite selfish, being with me and when ever i ask about our situation, he says "dont talk about her, im afraid u wont be happy" and told me the truth that he need to think a lot, quitting his job, his family, friends. In general: he wants to let this thing go on and will decide when he needs too. I let it goes cause i need time to think too and we dont have sex anyway (not that he didnt asked for it or try to push for it from time to time). Time goes and i feel more and more for him. He said he loves me in the middle of the 2nd month he was here and i told him truthfully i love him when he went back for the 2nd time. While spending time with him all the time after work, i still try to maintain good relationship with other colleges (our company has a lot of male). He never said anything when i hang out with them but once when i asked, he said he doesnt like it and he never said anything cause he knows he has no right to.

While waiting for his trip here for the 3rd times, i always wish he would pop up in my msn one day and said he decided to break up with his gf but he doesnt. I told him he need to resolve it and he said give him sometimes, he's waiting for something. Tired of waiting and afraid of wanting him more than i should, i told him it's the end for me and we didnt say anything to each other for 2 days. And i got sick and put it on my status, he saw and ask for my health, we continuing chatting again. Something happened shortly afterward that make me harbored the idea of moving out of this country. I asked him if he wants to be together for a long time to just to see if putting his country in my list of options would be favorable. And i think he got scared and mad that i moved to the moving plan too soon without telling him (err, im not moving, just thinking about options). The last sentence he said was "yes, y dont you find your bf and talk about it". And i changed my MSN, to make it easier for me to really break up with him this time.

So what i need is how u guys view this i know i m wrong but i also dont know if he can come back for the 3rd time and i can reject him just as much as i did when i first saw him so i need to really to see it from different point of views

[cmacattack1]

Where is your head and your logic throughout all this?

Sorry, I know that logic is the fire and emotion is the bucket of water that puts it out, but you have to be rational about all this. He lives in another country, he's a dozen years older, he's emotionally and physically cheating on his girlfriend with you, you finally want to put an end to it but two days later you are fantasizing about moving out of this country with him? What about your own life here and what you want and need? While this guy on the surface seems perfect, he isn't and it's no guarentee that anything would work out with him even if he wanted to be with you and dumped his girlfriend.

I know it's nice to be out with other people because you hate the feeling of being alone. We all do. But we find a way to deal. Maybe you should concentrate more on things that could possibly work for you in your city and your country. While this is a nice distraction, realistically it can't work.

If you can't be friends with him, stick to your original plan of saying you are gone (like you tried to the first time). And put your foot down on it.

[Gigabitch]

^^^ What he said.

[RdHrshyKss]

he is a cheater and is giving you the run around, DO NOT continue things with him, he is using you for attention when he is away from home. concentrate on being happy without someone...once you reach that point you will be more comfortable with yourself and will be well prepared for a real relationship when the opportunity comes your way. there are plenty of guys out there who would treat you better. do not allow yourself to get fixated on someone who is not right for you, especially when he showed interest at a time when you were most vulnerable (just got out of a long relationship). other guys, who are NOT in relationships, will show an interest in you. just give it time...

[kingkong]

@ cmacattack1: thank u for replying and to answer your first question, my head and your logic throughout all this is already gone most of it when i broke up with my ex. I desperately need the distraction to not spending time alone with myself and to keep myself from calling him, tell him to get back together (im the one who broke up with him - he's my first bf). In compare with the risk of me calling and being back with my ex, the risk with the new person is so much lower.

That's my logic, my head just trying to lessen the pain and burden my heart carries.

I was in this despite hating cheaters and knowing this isnt going to work out because i didnt want a new relationship. I thought he came and goes and in the time he is here, i'll try to get myself back on my feet and then move on with life. You know what i mean.

Before he came, i has given up on relationship and just sit back, minding my own business. I know that someday i'll find somebody for me but until then, the pain is too great for me to carry alone, my logic is i shouldnt be doing this alone, not good for mental health.

And it works, i never once contacted my ex. The pain lessen and i was happy for a period of time. And now, i need a distraction from him to keep myself from talking to him via msn, to be able to withstand it when he came here for the 3rd time and i have nothing for that. That's what im afraid

[cmacattack1]

I can certainly understand the situation you are in since it was your first boyfriend and all that. I think a big issue here is you dealing with your ex. I didn't really understand how it was mentally abusive because of job status though..... but anyway, that's the core issue here. You were trying to distract yourself from your ex and trying to run from him.

I can certainly understand the panic and the crushing lonely feeling you get, even if you were the one to dump him. When you get tempted to call an ex or chat with this guy, stop yourself and ask yourself "What can I realistically accomplish with this? Will talking to my ex change him into the man I need him to be? Will chatting with this guy on msn cause him to break up with his girlfriend to come here and live with me?" Say those out loud and they will sound like nothing but a fantasy. Talking to them again will only bring you back to square one and keep you there. You don't want to be back there again do you?

You don't NEED a distraction and you don't NEED anyone. When you finally accept this and believe this and are okay on your own, you will be at the top of your game and a new guy will replace both of them. I am your age and I've been on my own for eight months and I'll admit it hasn't been easy. My ex dumped me and had me replaced when I was trying to get her back. But it was really the best thing ever to happen to me as I've never known what it was like to be on my own. It may be scary now and you may feel forced to try and go out and find somebody. I've already forced some dates (being a guy and all we have to go find the girl) and they've ended badly. I wasn't ready. You are young and you don't need to force anything.

You know you have a lot to offer and you have all the time in the world to keep busy with things that better highlight your attributes. You have time to do things you didn't have time to before. Maybe a hobby or a club sport or going to the gym. Get you in better shape, get better at what you like to do, etc. etc. You also have all the time in the world to hang out with your friends that maybe you haven't seen as much because you were concentrated on boyfriend/rebound distraction, even if they themselves have boyfriends and girlfriends they coo over all the time. I have two engaged people that are also 23 at my work and all they do is talk about wedding stuff and arrangements and everything. It sucks but you find a way to deal. It will be okay, you will be okay. Accept it, leave the two alone and tell them to leave you alone, and keep moving! You know what two I'm talking about.

[kingkong]

I dont need DISTRACTION, i dont need ANYBODY, i know. But i was weak, i still am weak, i dont want to be strong, i dont want to cope with this alone, i want friends, i want somebody or something to make this better and fast. Ok, i read that, i sound stupid.

And i miss him. All the things we did together. I heard from a college that he asked him via msn about my health and i got better for a few days, knowing he still cares for me.

Break ups are funny, the harder u think the other person is going through, the better u feel.

FYI, he still doesnt contact via msn or anything, i dont contact too. But i know if he comes back here for the 3rd time, any initial action from him will break whatever fragile determination i have right now