help me, i messed up

[sypher]

hello internet, hope your day is going better than mine!

my plight in a nutshell is that my girl and i were on the rocks for quite some time, and i would cope by talking to my best friend. he moved, so i started talking to another friend (this one female). well, turns out you shouldn't complain about your girlfriend to a woman who is attracted to you. it got to the point that i thought my relationship was over w/ my girl, and i ended up getting intimate with my friend, on two occasions. the punchline? the following day my girlfriend and i have a talk, realize we are on the rocks, and she wants to work everything out, only now i have this terrible stain on my conscience.

MORE INFO.
it may have come through a truly horrid event, but the way i feel right now has reminded me just how much i really do love my girlfriend. when i see her, i see someone i can spend the rest of my life with. our issues run deep though. prior to all of this we hadn't had sex in over three months, she doesn't make out with me, or let me give her back massages, and she has never been into foreplay. she is addicted to the internet (warcraft/facebook) and she is bipolar. the thing is, she has FINALLY realized that is all horrible and wants to fix it for us.

the FRIEND is maybe the opposite, but our connection was by no means just physical. we are very compatible sexually, she is very intimate, which i like, and we have similar interests. the thing is, i cant see myself being with her in the long run, and despite my infidelity, i care intensely more for my girlfriend than this girl. i want my girlfriend to keep EVERYTHING the same, only take on the intimacy that we lack.

new problem, i am afraid to tell my girl, to just come clean. and my best friend (the guy i vented to from the beginning of the story) agrees with me. she is trying to get her life straight, but we are afraid that if she found out right now she would do something drastic, anywhere from becoming a whore to killing herself. i dont want to hurt my girl, but i cant look her in the eyes without tearing up in shame. which leads to even more intimacy issues etc etc. also, im unsure how to get away from the other woman without turning her into a crazy stalker who will do everything in her power to ruin my girl and i. im desperate here, and yes i am a bastard, but i hope it shows how much this was a mistake and someone out there is willing to tell me how they got through a similar situation, or how they would respond as either woman in this story. i have no idea what to do

[Gigabitch]

Lying to her about it is wrong, whatever your justification. You can't build a relationship on lies.

[RdHrshyKss]

Lying to her about it is wrong, whatever your justification. You can't build a relationship on lies.

i agree with giga. what i don't understand, is how you think your girlfriend is going to suddenly change in the way you want her to? you went to this other girl because you weren't getting the attention you needed, and if you really think of your girlfriend as someone you'd spend the rest of your life with, i don't think you would have gone so far as to cheat on her. sounds like you were ready to leave so you jumped on the opportunity to be with someone else who was giving you the support you needed at that point in time.

but it's pretty much a lose lose situation for you either way. you don't tell her, your relationship and her "changes" will be based on lies...if you do tell her, she will be upset, and might end up leaving you. it sucks, but you screwed up and you have to deal with what happens. i personally don't think that keeping it from her is a good choice, if you love her and want to be with her, being upfront with her about it is key. for her to try to change and put effort into fixing the relationship only to find out later that you cheated on her, it will make her feel even worse than if you were to tell her now...

as for the other girl, why was she willing to be intimate with you knowing that you were in a relationship? sounds like she's an attention whore too, because if she was a real friend who cared about you, she wouldn't have agreed to be intimate with you while you were still with your gf. she would have waited to act out on those feelings until you were available. you should tell your "friend" the truth, that you don't feel for her like you do your gf. and you should tell your gf that you cheated on her. see what happens and work from there...

[Incognito]

^^^ I agree. However it will take a man to do that. Are you up to the task? I'm not trying to be insulting, just trying to give you that extra bit of male motivation (and truth) that I know you'll need to follow through. Tell both women the truth because and relationship or firendship based on lies will fall apart horribly leaving no winners, only broken losers.

[RdHrshyKss]

it takes a lot for incognito to agree with me because i don't think he likes me, i'm annoying the shit out of him on his thread, so take the advice. pump yourself up, be prepared for the worst, and just DO IT! it's for the best...

[sypher]

just wanted to say thanks to you guys. i talked to my girl. and understandably it ended between us, but it ended in a good way. more of a comma then a period, i dunno. we rekindled our friendship, and we both realized how unhappy we've been. maybe six months or a year from now well be ready to try again, i hope so, but i know that right now it is good. i can honestly say that i have never had break-up sex before, but we did, and it was...kind of exciting. i am glad i manned up. thanks again.