Less and less sex

[AboutTheWeather]

Hello all,
So, there are many facets to this issue.. not quite sure where to start and how much detail to go into. I'll do the best I can to give the basics and'll answer questions that I can answer.

Here's the deal.
I'm a 22 year old female. My boyfriend is about to be 36. We have been together for almost 2 years and, other than in the sex department, we are extremely happy. Talking about engagement and weddings and children and such.

When we first started going out, we had sex once or more times a day. This went on for a few months. One night we didn't have sex and that was a bit strange. Then it became normal. Then it was more like 4 times a week. Then 3. Then 2. You get the idea. Now I'm sitting here typing this after not having had sex in a month.

Our relationship does not lack communication whatsoever. This has been an ongoing issue that we have discussed several times. It is at the point where I feel if I discuss it more, things will get worse.

At first the explanation was that I nagged about sex too much. This I understood.. and worked on to fix. He recognized that I fixed it.. and yet the sex kept becoming more infrequent.

Second time around it was just me nagging in general. At the time of the talk we had a cockroach infestation and I admit.. I was going a bit crazy. It bothered me that he did not seem to care that hundreds of bugs were invading. Again, I cooled off. Again with the recognition.

At this point, it's just a "It's a phase."

Is age a factor? Is age THE factor? I would marry him even if we never had sex again; there's enough hugs and kisses. But I can't discount the fact that I enjoy sex and the stress relief it provides.

Thoughts, opinions, demands, questions, suggestions, complaints?

Thanks

[Junket]

Is this about the sex or the roaches?

[dewilliams2]

I think age could be a problem...I mean testosterone in a man begins to drop at the age of 30....ya can't expect him to keep up with a 22 year old woman forever...I have trouble keepin up with a 22 year old and I'm 23.

Don't pressure him...guys can be sensitive about these kind of things...think about how you would feel if he called you fat...it'd be a similar type feeling you would give him. I know it seems ridiculous but thats just the way we are.

[AboutTheWeather]

Is this about the sex or the roaches?

The roaches, of course.


Dewilliams — yeah. That makes sense. I know he is pretty proud so may not want to admit that "just a phase" might and probably will recur again. And again.

Yeah, I have been bad in the past about pressuring him. It's such a strange place to be in because I feel like if I don't pressure him, then it'll never happen. But if I do, it'll never happen. I'm trying to be good, though! Just wish there was some sort of .. tangible result.

Mehhh

[bloodtippedrose]

I suggest that you take initiative. It doesnt matter if he is tired from work or whatever, if you dress up sexy and start sucking his dick out of nowhere he isnt going to stop you. He especially wont stop you if youre doing all the work.
It sounds like youve been nagging about not getting it and that makes sex a chore, and men want to avoid chores at all costs to relax instead.
Right now my boyfriend and I are both 21, weve been dating and living together for two years and our sex life has slowed down from twice a day to twice a week, varying. For some reason I am hornier than he is (I think cuz he jerks off while Im at school) so when I want it I have to work for it and when he wants it he can work for it. If i want it but want him to work for it I dress up sexy and tease him or I play off his fetish. I figured if it worked for me it may work for you.

[Gigabitch]

People do go in cycles, but if he doesn't appear to be headed toward an upswing soon, you might want to cool it with the discussions about marriage. Sex is important to me, so I understand how it can be a dealbreaker. Don't marry someone you're sexually incompatible with.

[AboutTheWeather]

bloodtippedrose — taking initiative was one of my first reactions.. It seems like every time I start fondling (ew I hate that word) him, he starts laughing at me like it's cute. Same thing with I kiss. And unfortunately I have severe TMJ and can't even open my mouth wide enough to eat a banana, much less suck a dick. Even kissing is hard.

You're definitely right about me making sex a chore for him! Ayyyye.

I should try dressing up sexy. It's funny.. most of my girl friends who have boyfriends say that they want sex way more than the guys do!

[AboutTheWeather]

Gigabitch —
Yeah, I'm gonna keep an eye on it. I have been thinking and there are a variety of other factors that could possibly play into this aside from his own sex drive. Like.. the location of our bed (difficult-to-get-to-claustrophobic-crib-slash-treehouse-for-adults-"loft") and.. me. Sometimes we are so goofy together that it is hard to switch into sexy mode. *strokes chin*
I'm hoping it's a cycle though. Like this is the trough of a wave. I can't imagine we are wholly sexually incompatible if we had such a great beginning. Spice is definitely needed but I am very unconfident about my abilities to "bring it" because he my first non one-night stand.

[Incognito]

Are you and Gigabitch and a few other women here from the same city in the same state? I've never seen as many women in the same place that actually have a sex drive, much less women whose sex drives are greater than their men. Anyway, peanuts are a sex drive booster (supposedly), and cooked tomato is a sex drive booster specifically for men, while raw cucumber for women (also supposedly). Let me tell you though that you don't want to marry someone who doesn't need sex as much as you do. I'm there and it isn't fun in the least bit. What love you have because of the other things he does will fade and your relationship will be all about what is missing......the sex. Tell him to see a doctor. If it is a performance problem it can be remedied (little blue pill), and solutions can be reached for lack of drive (such as diet and sleep patterns).

[Gigabitch]

Anyway, peanuts are a sex drive booster (supposedly), and cooked tomato is a sex drive booster specifically for men, while raw cucumber for women (also supposedly).

Heh heh heh. Anything shaped like that is a sex drive booster.

[utbuntouchable]

I have dated a man who was 39 and now i'm engaged to man who is 37.
What I have found and learned from my friends, clients and etc is

When you go through some difficult times, for example: not seeing eye to eye on some things/issues - it becomes a strain in the intimacy of a relationship.
even though you guys make up and you move forward - it affects the way you express love and typically it effects making love or having sex. Especially if your disagreements become regular. - meaning on a daily or weekly bases.

And what happens most often from what I have learned from my past relationships and guy friends; men will give a few changes but when they see a pattern - they just give up and lose the passion they once had for you.
And in most cases they will find a substitute and usually that's another woman. :S

This mistress doesn't nag, or fight but just gives him what "you" used to give him in the beginning of the relationship - he keeps her for the passion and he keeps you as security blanket because he is afraid to admit there is no passion anymore - or the fact that he has unresolved feelings towards you and the relationship.

--

honestly, if you plan on marrying this man and you guys don't have sex that often; you are setting yourself up to marrying a man who will never be passionate to you in an intimate way.
Do you really want that?
Life is short, so why not be with a man who can love you unconditionally and desire you every second, nonetheless every day.
You dont want a best friend, you want EVERYTHING: a lover, a best friend, a husband and etc.

[Kaius]

I think age and life situations may contribute to lower sex drive. I'm same age as your BF, and I gotta say I don't want it as much as I did 12 years ago.
My girlfriend is 38, and she wants it very often, and encourages me. So she counters my declined drive by loving me and desiring me.
Everyone is different. But I have to agree with Giga (as I always do), if this is a problem for you, you might want to reconsider marriage.
I know for a fact that sex frequency decreases AFTER marriage. I was okay with that while I was married, but I now realize that
I actually love sex tremendously with the right woman. If you BF doesn't want sex with you, you need to explore whether or not
he in any way has some resentment towards you, or he's just bored of you. These were the 2 reasons why I stopped having sex with wife.

[AboutTheWeather]

Aha. Well it took another "meeting" and some crying, but I finally figured out that it was indeed me. (Or at least partly me).

I asked him to think hard about why he laughs every time I try to do something more than give him a peck on the cheek. He said it's because I am passive / unaggressive in bed. So I was like, "why the hell didn't you tell this to me before?" as it could have been remedied earlier.

Some hard cycle. I have to feel sexy and hot and confident to please him and he has to have me know my way around in bed. This is going to be a hard climb as.. I've only had "meaningful" un-drunk sex with him, and lost my virginity less than 2 years ago. And have TMJ and can't really do -anything- with my mouth without it hurting. And sexiness is impaired by the large bald spot ont he nape of my neck. Oy vey.

I told him I'm willing to try whatever he wants. (provided.. y'know.. it's not tubgirl-inspired)

Thank you for all your help, everyone. It helped me talk to him. I feel a lot better / more optimistic now.

[AboutTheWeather]

Oh, hello again. Figured I'd just add onto this thread since we're still dealing with the same issues. Now we're getting married next month. We moved almost 3 months ago and have had sex 4 times. It's ALWAYS the very last thing at night. I don't nag him for sex anymore. I just go to bed. Attempts at initiation are either too subtle for him or too jarring. And to top it all off, now I have bald spots all over my head. Undesirable is not quite enough to describe how I feel, and I feel as though he isn't helping.

Again, talking has led nowhere, and at this point could be hurting more than helping.

I know my posting here makes it seem like this issue is a huge deal... that I heeded no advice because I am getting married to this man. I really -am- content with the amount of affection in our relationship.

Biggest foreseeable nightmare is not having sex on our wedding night. I mean, we didn't on our first anniversary as bf and gf.

Anyway. I don't know what I'm doing posting here or what I'm expecting to hear. (sorry)

[Boisdevie]

It is nothing to do with age. I'm 47 and could have sex every single day. Which suggests that there is a problem elsewhere