Less and less sex

[Mish]

Again, talking has led nowhere, and at this point could be hurting more than helping.

I know my posting here makes it seem like this issue is a huge deal... that I heeded no advice because I am getting married to this man. I really -am- content with the amount of affection in our relationship.

Biggest foreseeable nightmare is not having sex on our wedding night. I mean, we didn't on our first anniversary as bf and gf.

Anyway. I don't know what I'm doing posting here or what I'm expecting to hear. (sorry)

It sounds like the "long relationship" thing. Monotonous sex with the same person for years on end gets tiring and boring, there's too much familiarity. Experimentation is key I think. But more importantly you need to get to know him better and try to discover more about what drives him wild and then incorporate that into your sex life. Failing that, this may become a serious issue in the future, it could even put a cross on your relationship.

[Incognito]

Don't you think an issue like this should be resolved BEFORE you get married? Most people don't discover problems like this until afterwards, and wish they'd have known ahead of time. You know there is a problem, see the problem, and are continuing to move forward? If I sat a bowling ball on top of a door so that it would fall on your head when you opened it (and you watched me do it), would you still go through the door? That is essentially what you are doing here.

[AboutTheWeather]

Incognito, I don't really see it as a problem for our marriage unless it continues way down the line, and.. well, that's a risk I'm willing to take. I see this issue currently as a nitpick-y thing. Everything else is going and has been going so wonderfully and that to me far outweighs the infrequency of sex. I love this dude and can't imagine life without him. Being a friend wouldn't be enough (we kiss and cuddle).

Had another talk with him but this time I tried to be more cool about it. I think I understand now that sex is pretty much the last thing on his mind these days. This definitely could have something to do with our monogamy, Mish. Instead of complaining this time I decided to come up with some sort of an action to take, and gave him the option of a. trying like he's never tried before to not let sex stay at the bottom of the to-do list, or b. to get the momentum going again, we temporarily instate a schedule.

He chose b. So we agreed for now tuesdays and fridays. My rule is it CAN'T be last thing at night. His rule is that I can't know when it's coming (which sounds great to me). He actually seemed pretty excited about it. (If you're wondering; he is still at work and no we haven't done it yet)

Anyway, I still have faith in him. And I think that's important to stick with instead of looking down the line when that loss of faith in him may or may not occur.

[Sarcasticshoe]

From a psychologist I've heard that at about 2 years of being "in love" with someone, the endorphins that course through your body begin to diminish, hence why people make it to the 2 or 3 year mark and fall apart. Sex is only an important issue if its not good or your not having it... LOL..
Perhaps, ask him about his fantasies... and try to make those happen, It sounds like you both got burnt out on sex in the beginning... try spicing it up ... and maybe think about making yourself less available, when he is in the mood; turn him down. What's the fun if he doesnt have to work for it? Guys are strange... You need to play their game.

[Incognito]

... and maybe think about making yourself less available, when he is in the mood; turn him down. What's the fun if he doesnt have to work for it? Guys are strange... You need to play their game.

LOL, AboutTheWeather don't follow that particular bit of advice. If its sex you're after then don't play childish games like turning him down just to see what he does. That is a surefire way to not get sex that night. Real adults in real relationships don't play mind games. I think that the approach that you are going with is good if it ends up working for the both of you. Good luck.

[Ric]

Personally I'd seriously reconsider marriage. Sex is quite a bit more important than you think. And with you posting about it I think you're denying how big of an issue it is.
Of course it will remain your choice, but don't trivialize the problem.

[AboutTheWeather]

I feel as though I'm satisfied with the amount of -intimacy- in the relationship. It's like, I have plenty of food.. I'd just like some dessert every now and then. B

[want2behappy]

Just so you know -- this WILL most likely become more of an issue as time goes on until the point where either you are depressed or the marriage (if you go through with it) disolves. I have known way too many couples who have had this problem and not one of them made it! One couple: the one with the higher sex drive cheated on the other because they (say) were so lonely, another couple: ended up fighting for years even during/after counseling until they divorced, another couple: divorced shortly after leaving their kids in a broken home.

Sad thing is: If it was going to change it would have changed by now...REALLY. It is so hard to have everything else work in the relationship but this is a biggy. You don't want to resent him or hate him in the end because of this. And, really, do you want your last memory of each other to be how you could have seen this early on but chose to overlook it until the point where you fight and divorce? You wrote your thread for a reason....you aren't as happy as you could be...and you can be happier with the right man. Do yourself and him a favor and seek counseling prior to your marriage just to make sure there aren;t any true red flags. You owe it to yourself.

Good luck!

[Michael8]

Hello all,
So, there are many facets to this issue.. not quite sure where to start and how much detail to go into. I'll do the best I can to give the basics and'll answer questions that I can answer.

Here's the deal.
I'm a 22 year old female. My boyfriend is about to be 36. We have been together for almost 2 years and, other than in the sex department, we are extremely happy. Talking about engagement and weddings and children and such.

When we first started going out, we had sex once or more times a day. This went on for a few months. One night we didn't have sex and that was a bit strange. Then it became normal. Then it was more like 4 times a week. Then 3. Then 2. You get the idea. Now I'm sitting here typing this after not having had sex in a month.

Our relationship does not lack communication whatsoever. This has been an ongoing issue that we have discussed several times. It is at the point where I feel if I discuss it more, things will get worse.

At first the explanation was that I nagged about sex too much. This I understood.. and worked on to fix. He recognized that I fixed it.. and yet the sex kept becoming more infrequent.

Second time around it was just me nagging in general. At the time of the talk we had a cockroach infestation and I admit.. I was going a bit crazy. It bothered me that he did not seem to care that hundreds of bugs were invading. Again, I cooled off. Again with the recognition.

At this point, it's just a "It's a phase."

Is age a factor? Is age THE factor? I would marry him even if we never had sex again; there's enough hugs and kisses. But I can't discount the fact that I enjoy sex and the stress relief it provides.

Thoughts, opinions, demands, questions, suggestions, complaints?

Thanks

Just talk to him. I'm sure he isn't totally against sex, but age and the length of the relationship has a factor on things. The same body, the same positions, the same person.