Is my BF being a Jerk or am I expecting too much

[exprezo]

My BF and I been going official and exclusive in a relationship since April 3 till now. So this is not just another date. Just want to make my post clear.

Beginning stage, we never set schedule to meet up...and he initiated all the meetings with me and it's like 4-5 days a week.

Later, things die down a bit so I initiated and asked if we can set a schedule to meet up since we both have got things to do, right? Just a better way to plan things out for ourselves. But the schedule is NOT cast in stone...we set Mon and Wed [2x a week] and of coz we can reschedule if we need to accommodate our things.

We met up this Monday, had a superb great time worked out in the gym together, cooked, chat. I enjoyed. Tues came, no meet and he didnt call me nor text me. Wed came and I assume it's the normal meet up...no phone calls no text we both went to work.
After work, usually Mon and Wed my coworker carpools with me and will drop me off at my BF's work place, I will ride with my BF home/ hangout. On the FWY for 40 mins already and still no calls from my BF which is NOT normal...and I was about to arrive his office. So I called him.

He told me he still at work coz he decided to work extra hours to make up the leave he is taking this weekend from work.

I said: "Well..I..thought we're hanging out tonite..no?"
He said: "Well nothing been set, we never talked about it"
I said: " Huh, I thought we had an agreement to hangout Mon & Wed, didnt we? I'd appreciate if you were to inform me earlier...I am about to arrive your workplace and I prepared dinner for us tonite"
He said: "EVERY Mon and Wed??" [his tone already sounded very bad, like I am demanding GF]

I kept repeating on the phone "that is what I thought we agreed upon, am I missing anything I didnt know???"

Then he told me he decided to make up the hours on Tues nite and he will make up those hours by working extra on Wed and Thurs. Then he said he is very busy this week coz his niece has this sweet 16 party and it's big thing for Mexican family and he has to help out after work and after his class.

Then also he told me his friend from out of town coming so he is taking off not only saturday BUT sunday.....I guess I dont get to see him this week.

But I am sad not coz I cannot see him this week. I am sad coz I felt being ditched. I think, to me, it's a courtesy to tell your GF/BF or even regular friends...if you need to stay n make up the hours?

I didnt like it especially when he says with a very impatient tone ""EVERY Mon and Wed??" "Again, I only decided on Tues to make up the hours!"

Am I wrong? Am I expecting too much?

[girl68]

I wouldn't be too happy but it's pretty clear you 2 don't have good communication determined yet.

[lahnnabell]

He's already being kinda flaky again. It's cool if he can't hang out, but you're right, he should communicate that to you. I guess you have to be more explicit 'cause there are plenty of people who need that type of instruction. Consistent weekly times aren't all that convenient though because everyone's schedules change and fluctuate from week to week, as you see here. Given the amount of stuff he has going on you're probably gonna have to roll with that. My schedule changes all the time from week to week, so seeing my guy is never consistent. He's got job interviews, softball practice and games, and he loves to catch every Red Sox game he can manage. I work two jobs so the majority of my days are full from morning to late in the evening. We have to work a little harder to stay in communication sometimes, but we've been going strong for so long now that if I don't hear from him for a day or two, it's not a big deal. He and I have established that we both want to be together, and I fully trust that he's with me on that.

You guys don't have this foundation yet because you're still so new. It's barely been 2 months. It takes time to develop a deep level of trust, and you guys have been taking the proverbial one step forward, two steps back since you started.

[Neogenesis]

I would confront him with your feelings. How you view the situation. To me it sounds like a misunderstanding, but you never know. And it's always better to find out early. In a few months, if you do get serious, he'll have to see these sides of you anyway. So be honest and direct and tell him your point of view. I'm sure you can come to some agreement.

[exprezo]

To: lahnnabell

From your point of view...what will you advice me to do? I agree with what you wrote in the reply. His schedule is somewhat like yours but not with the exact activity, of coz. Maybe like you say..some ppl just need to be told inside out..like to the book???
If my BF and I are as strong as you and your BF...I know i will be ok if I don hear from him...but yup like you said...we are so freaking new..barely 2 months...and so much went on already...the trust level is whobbly, shaky. I find his habit now is...he will never call me on tues and Thurs and Saturday - the days we agree of NO meetup. I, dont text or call him either coz he claims i am needy. Do you think I should send my signal to him that I am upset [by not calling him until he calls back later?] or should I just get over it the next time we meet?? We're planning to go to Santa Barbara on Memorial weekend and I am dying and looking fwd to it. Coz I feel I can really get to know him in short trips..you know coz you actually will have 55 hrs TOGETHER...I never had that with him so far.

To: Neogenesis
You say that I should communicate my feeling to him, meaning telling him it's NOT ok for me...like set a boundry what I am ok with and what I m not? But I worry you know guys...dont like their GFs to show tantrum or upset...we are 2 types of species...[something like the book says the book title "men from venus women from mars"]

Do you think I should just DONT call him until he calls me?

BF said he is very busy this week coz his niece has this sweet 16 party and it's big thing for Mexican family and he has to help out after work and after his class.Then also he told me his friend from out of town coming so he is taking off not only saturday BUT sunday.....I guess I dont get to see him this week.

[IndiReloaded]

I said: "Well..I..thought we're hanging out tonite..no?"
He said: "Well nothing been set, we never talked about it"
I said: " Huh, I thought we had an agreement to hangout Mon & Wed, didnt we? I'd appreciate if you were to inform me earlier...I am about to arrive your workplace and I prepared dinner for us tonite"

You seem to think you had a prior agreement. He clearly doesn't think so.

Specifically, he said you never talked about hanging out.

Sounds to me like you made an assumption. If you arrive someplace unexpected, especially someone's work, and they are busy or unavailable then it is your problem.

Sorry. While its clear you two should communicate better, I would say this is a "YOU" problem. Two months is way too soon to be putting demands on someone's schedule the way you want to.

[Neogenesis]

Setting a boundry is one thing. It's more about expressing your emotions and how his actions make you feel. Maybe he won't necessarily change things, but atleast you'll know why.

[sunnybunny8212]

yea definitely....

there was probably a misunderstanding on both parts...

but its too soon to sart shooing up to his job and "expecting" things to happen..
you're not wrong it was just a miscommunication.
im not saying sit down and take it, or let him roam, but address the issue with hhim tell him your
feelings and your perspectives.

he should tell you what his plans are, discuss it with you because you are his lady,
and you both go from there...

[lahnnabell]

I think you should stop settling for the type of relationship that is not satisfying you. You seem to desire a certain level of comfort within the relationship, and that is amplified now by the fact that you trust him less than you did before. He needs to recognize that his flakiness was part of this problem. But I also think you need to give a little here as well. You can't expect to show up at someone's place of work unannounced. I think you see that now. I think part of the reason you did it was because you wanted to obligate him into hanging out with you. From now on, if he doesn't respond then you need to just assume he's busy and that you'll talk to him later. If you don't trust him to do this, then that is another problem altogether.

[exprezo]

Thanks guys, I finally got over it and understand that I have the majority of the responsibility on this issue....but my friend told me just wait and don't call him toll he calls. What you guys advise, then? Today is Friday and for the past Fridays, I'll make PRIOR arrangement with him and ask if we can have dinner together during his meal break at work [he works 5-midnite on Fridays].

We have not talked to each other since that day of the "argument". That day, he DID briefly mention "If you want,we can have quick dinner on friday"

But nothing really confirmed not set. I am afraid...not sure to call or not to call. But per my friend he says I have been treating my BF too nice, overly nice that is why I should not call him now until he calls back.

What shall I do?

[lahnnabell]

Give him some space, I think. He sounds like he's on the verge of asking for another "break". It may seem like you're not being very demanding, but he may see things differently. Things seemed like they progressed very quickly between you two and he may want to start slowing things down. There is no rush right now, is there? Seeing him more isn't going to guarantee that he's going to want to be around you more. Too many women get caught up in making plans and focusing on the relationship far too much. Many also make it their first priority and let several other important things fall by the wayside. I'm not saying it shouldn't be important, but it shouldn't be all that you're working on right now.

Wouldn't you rather have him be perfectly content to be in the moment with you? If you push too much he's going to feel obligated to be with you instead of actually enjoying the time you do spend together. Give him a chance to reciprocate some of his love. You calling him all the time tells me that you don't trust him to call you. You decided to let him back in and give him another chance at this, so give him an honest chance.

[exprezo]

To lahnnabell

Thanks and I am glad I waited for the reply in this forum before I take any action. I was sooo tempted to call him for dinner at work on friday yesterday but I held back and wait for reply here. Coz I don want to screw up. You are correct lahnnabell...why do I rush here? I want the quality of him and quality time with him and his quality love n quality emotion...

I am really glad u guys always give constructive advice...yes I think bf and I progressed TOO FAST...we said the "L" word like 1 month after just dating...he didnt know why he said it so soon but he told me he FELT it that way [love]...

I really treasure this person n this relationship and DO want to make it work...so...in order to make it work...am I to give him space? Dont call him till he calls me??

Other than space what else can i do to make us work? to flourish this relationship? I am willing to do whatever u guys advise..if i can make this relationship works.....

[lahnnabell]

Stop sitting by your phone, waiting for him to call you. You have a cell right? He's got your number, right? So, keep it on you, but don't put your life on hold for him. Make plans with friends, send him a text every now and again, if you want.

I meet a lot of girls who call their boyfriends simply for the sake of calling them. They don't have anything to say, or anything they need, they just want the attention. Too much of this is frustrating. My boyfriend and I are at the point now that calling each other to just talk is pointless. We're waaay past the "getting to know you" stage. I'd much rather enjoy the quality time of having him in my arms, and too much phone conversation spoils that. It leaves you nothing to talk about when you do get together. Sometimes it seems as though my boyfriend is not really interested in conversing via phone or online. And for the most part, it's true. We don't really have any use for lengthy phone conversations anymore.

He'll still call to check in once in a while if it's been a few days, and he takes an interest in my day, but we won't talk for more than 5 minutes. Since you guys are so serious, you're going to have to start taking comfort in the fact that you ARE in an exclusive relationship. You can't expect him to be up to the chore of constantly reassuring you of this. You need to understand through and through that he's choosing to be with you, and you alone. Do you trust this fact? Be honest.

[sunnybunny8212]

We have not talked to each other since that day of the "argument". That day, he DID briefly mention "If you want,we can have quick dinner on friday"

what the hell in gods name is a quick dinner!?!

[exprezo]

sunnybunny8212: Yea that was what my BF said..he works every friday 3-12midnite so he has 1 hr dinner break..BUT I realize he uses "quick" when he is upset at me..sounded like he feels obligated, he didnt want to have dinner with me but since I wanted 2 have dinner on wednesday and he cant make it so friday "QUICK" dinner. To be honest i DON like that phrase.

To:lahnnabell

You asked me "2b honest". OK to be honest...i trusted my BF so much until he betrayed me n kissed the coworker during our cool off period which i did give him a condition that the cool off period was NOT for him to bang another chic or fall in love wif others, etc.My heart was broken when he betrayed me..so was the trust...YES I accepted him back and started anew again with him, willingly WITH the hope he can rebuild his trust in me but he has to make an effort to build it n show me. So far [or maybe it's still quite new n fresh..only 2 weeks after we start over again] I didnt feel he has made any effort.

I will do like what you advise above n not 2b clingy but I also wanna make it clearer coz I think it is my fault for not typing it here. I forgot to type...when I meant my BF didnt contact me on certain days meaning not even text message..so it's totally vanished and I dont hear from him. Of coz I can always text him or call him but I have been refraining myself. Somehow I duno why..I feel...he does not welcome me to text him or call him..coz he may claim im needy.

Today is saturday already 3 days since the dinner incident on wed..i hv not heard his voice nor gotten his text msg. I didnt text nor call him either.

I do go out I do have my own activities like usual. But I miss him dearly...I thought when 2 people in relationship it's normal to contact and listen to each other's voice...even if it's to just say hello...