His wife died 3 months ago; too soon to date?

[bewildered]

I'm in a sticky situation and could really use the advice of those who are not actually associated with it. Any comments/advice/opinions are greatly appreciated

To summarize, I met John 3 years ago. At the time, he was married and I was in a relationship so our relationship was strictly professional, but could be considered a friendship. As I came to know him better, I started to fall for him. Believe me, I never meant for it to happen, but sometimes I suppose you just can't control it. I feel like a did a good job of hiding my feelings for him, but after knowing him for about 6 months, he began to flirt with me. Nothing major, nothing morally compromising, and nothing to make me think he wanted an affair, but just enough flirting for me to notice that he treated me differently than everyone else.

We started to talk more often and it seemed that he would make up reasons to spend time with me. When we were together throughout the next year or so, we never once discussed the feelings I had for him or those he may have had for me, though I'm sure by that point he had to realize that I wanted him. Case in point, the man has morals.

But, then his wife's cancer got worse (yeah, i know..) and as it did, he talked to me more often. The month before she died, he texted/messaged me everyday. Still, never crossing the line of morality or professionalism, though. He needed a friend and I was there for him, to distract him.

She passed away 3 months ago and sadly, I've never seen him happier. It's not that she was a dreadful woman or that he was in a terrible marriage (true, it wasn't the greatest, but he loved her) but she was sick for so long.. I think he is just relieved that it is all over.

Now, we spend a great deal of time together. I still have major feelings for him and I get the vibe that he feels the same way, but when (if ever) is the proper time to tell him how I feel?

Thanks for your feedback.

[Kaius]

Yes she died and he is relieved of the prolonged pain. He is grieving. No man can get over a deceased spouse that quickly.
Give him time. I'd say he should be ready in about 9 months or so.

[lahnnabell]

I'd be interested in questioning the "morals" of a man who is comfortable enough to begin engaging in somewhat of an emotional affair when he needed to be focusing on his sick wife... I get that he probably needed a break from the trials of caring for her, but he didn't have any truly platonic friends for that? He specifically sought you out because you gave him the attention he liked. Regardless of the professionalism you claim to have maintained, you even admitted to noticing the fact that he seemed to put you on a bit of a pedestal. Personally, I would have had issues with this situation if I were in your shoes. I couldn't bring myself to indulge such a man if I knew his wife was suffering so badly, especially if my motives were not purely platonic.

I don't know what the proper time line for this is. Sounds like he'd already begun to detach emotionally from the situation, which I also find interesting. If someone I truly cared for were suffering so badly, I'd be suffering right there with them. Just some food for thought.

I think it best to let him decide what should happen now. You may think you're reading his response to his wife's death correctly, but you don't know really as you guys have been covering your "friendship" in these falsehoods almost from day one. I'm sure he's relieved that the suffering is now over, but it's truly his call as to whether or not he feels like pursuing you, or anyone for that matter. If he wants you in the way that you think he does, then you'll hear from him as the air clears some more. It's not like he's going anywhere, right? Why do you need to snag him RIGHT NOW?

[IndiReloaded]

I'd be interested in questioning the "morals" of a man who is comfortable enough to begin engaging in somewhat of an emotional affair when he needed to be focusing on his sick wife... I get that he probably needed a break from the trials of caring for her, but he didn't have any truly platonic friends for that? He specifically sought you out because you gave him the attention he liked.

I don't know if I'd be so hard about an emotional affair in a situation like this.

I have a friend who went through something similar. With a young kids; just awful. Its incredibly stressful and draining to watch helplessly while a spouse slowly dies. He did the decent thing and stuck with his marriage to the end. Some wouldn't.

You should watch the movie "Away From Her". Its very well done and is about the difficulties of a terminally ill spouse. Recommend for Vash and Sonrisa also.

@ Bewildered. He seems happy b/c he's been relieved of the burden of caring for her. That doesn't mean he isn't grieving. You aren't looking at a few months recovery, you are looking at years if he was married for any length of time. I wouldn't put any pressure on him. You do need to realize that his mindset about you has changed. Before his wife's passing, it was clear you were not the priority. Now that she is gone, he needs to decide if he wants you to be one. The only way you can find out his thoughts is to ask him. But be delicate and be prepared for him to tell you he isn't ready for a relationship.

You sound like a good person for helping him. I'm glad you didn't encourage him to cheat while his wife was alive. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[Cbrider]

Is this the Prologue for John Edward's life?

[SirWagginston]

Is this the Prologue for John Edward's life?

You dickhead! You stole my joke!

[IndiReloaded]

Can someone explain John Edwards to me? A link would do. Is this some book? I thought you meant the senator. I don't watch television...

[Cbrider]

Can someone explain John Edwards to me? A link would do. Is this some book? I thought you meant the senator. I don't watch television...

Cheated on his wife with a woman on his campaign team, wife was battling cancer when it happened - the story is still ongoing.

[vashti]

It is actually quite common for a man who has been happily married to move on (and even re-marry) rather quickly after her death, especially if she has been ill. I don't think it is fair for anyone to judge him harshly for seeking some emotional support outside the marriage when a spouse is actively dying, because quite honestly, you have NO IDEA what you are talking about until you have been through it. It is also normal for someone with a dying spouse to begin their grieving before the spouse is gone.

Bewildered - I agree with indi that his mourning will likely take a lot longer than a few months. I grieved longer than that when I split with my first boyfriend of 5 years. However, I don't see any reason you shouldn't continue seeing this man. Just let him determine the pace, and if you grow impatient waiting for whatever you think you need, then you can move on.

[bewildered]

Thanks for all your feedback. Despite what some of you may think, I know that while he was married, we did absolutely nothing wrong. I may have wanted things to move forward, but I never acted upon those feelings.

I know 3 months isn't near enough time to get over his wife, even though I do think he started the grieving process long before she died (she was sick for over 4 years).

My question now is this: How do I let him know that, whenever he's ready, I'm here? I feel like it will be an awkward conversation and I'm not sure how to go about bringing it up.

In response to whoever said "he isn't going anywhere anytime soon", I have to argue with that. He is an intelligent and attractive man who is well established within our community, so the women will be flocking to him very soon, if not already. Hopefully he won't be interested, though :p