Something bothering me

[BusyBee]

Hello there!

I need some advice on a realtionship. Basically, the situation is as follows. I was in a long term story but it hadn't been working for a while and my partner's mood swings (negative most of the time) had started to affect me. I thought I couldn't continue like that and I decided to put an end to it, which did me a hell of a lot of good.

Then about 2 months back, I met that nice guy. I mean, he is funny, sexy as hell, caring, I can talk for hours with him. Now everything seems fine but somehow I can't seem to get rid of that gut feeling telling me that there is somethng wrong and I just can't put my finger on it.

Maybe I'm just being weird.

[BusyBee]

Now. I have to say that I think what makes me dubious is the way he contradicts himself. ONe minute, he talks about staying with me forever, the next, he talks about building himself a house in a few years. I have a house, so if we're supposed to be together, why would he need one?

[xxazurexx]

^^He isn't sure whether he sees you for the 'longterm'.

But then that isn't surprising.....you have only known him for a mere 2 months.

[BusyBee]

I thought of that, but at the same time he has been trying to get me a ring for the last 2 weeks and he want to go on holiday with me this summer. I reckon he is lonely and searching for some fun. Wouldn't disturb me as that is what I need, but he wants more time with me than I can allow myself to give him.

[xxazurexx]

OK, well I'd personally beware of men who want things too soon and too fast and who can't wait to get a ring on my finger.

I know it can be overwhelming and kinda flattering, ie: all this attention and all at once, but people who have a tendency to rush, are the very same people who can turn their feelings off as quickly as they seem to ignite feelings also.

But still, he could be a 'genuine' guy...who knows for sure?

Why these 'gut feelings'? What gives you cause to be unsure about him?

[BusyBee]

Yes, I beware of men who try and get all excited about feelings as it can end as quickly as well. I tend to want to keep them at a distance.

As for the gut feeling, I'm not sure but I tend to be cautious with feelings anyway but somehow, I have the feeling he is hiding something and it's just that I work with words all day and I detect things he says that do not sound right.

Do your see what I mean?

[xxazurexx]

I can understand why you are being cautious, yes. I tend to be the same also and when entering a new relationship.

For me and when someones words don't add up, it is usually because they have tripped themselves up in a lie.....so of course the rest of what they say, doesn't make sense. Or perhaps what they are saying, seems too 'far fetched'...

Do you suspect this guy could be lying to you about certain things? Have you the proof he is lying?

To say that someones words just don't add up and without having any reasoning behind it, is a little silly.

[BusyBee]

I wouldn't say it's a proof that he is lying, it's just that it's not always lining up.
Like when he says, he thinks being overly jaleous is not good for a relationship but gets in a huff when I get a text message from a work colleague on my work phone. Or when he says that he doesn't want to intrude on my life too much and gets all funny becos I went to a garden centre without him. Or like last week, I jad a leak in my shower and had to cancel a dinner with him cos the repairman was coming and he answered back that I didn't want to see him.
I get the impression that he is saying things that he knows I want to hear but thinks something completely different.

[xxazurexx]

He has issues.

How deep these issues are rooted....nobody knows and only time tells. Do you want to stick around and find out?

But the early warning signs are there and 'red flags' are flying high to the fact, that what you are dealing with here is an insecure, possessive, jealous man who likes to control.

[BusyBee]

That's exactly what I'm thinking and whilst I still think he is a nice bloke the early warning signs tell me that he is all you said and that in order for it to work we'd have to find compromises. He admits to the fact that he has been deeply injured in past relationshsips but he can't really expect me to make it all ok, can he?

[xxazurexx]

It's down to him and to deal with it or if he feels it is a problem out of his control, he would be wise to go and seek professional help.

When it becomes a deal for you, is if his issues are deeply entrenched and they lead him to abuse you, either verbally or physically.

I've been in situation with a guy before who was real insecure and lacked trust. Try as I did and to assure him that he had nothing to worry about, I was going nowhere, it was him I wanted to be with, nobody else...he'd still continue to throw up accusations in my face and mistrust me. He would be verbally abusive to me, never physically, but still, it wore me down and out and in the end I just got sick of it and left.

[BusyBee]

Sorry to hear about you relationshsip. I find that good to exchange opinions like this.

I agree, I think I will keep my distance and see if he calms down and if not I'll just have to put an end to it.
Funnily enough, I was with somebody completely the opposite before. He was completely uninterested. Not jaleous at all, not bothered about what I was doing. One extreme to the other, oh well, I reckon single life is more appropriate for me. Enough issues to deal with on my own. Thank you for your help.