Is it healthy to value relationships as highly as I do?

[Deckard]

For lack of better words, I think the degree to which I place relationships is so exceptionally abnormal that in comparison everything else in life takes a back seat to it. I am just a step short of literally placing it on a pedestal; I treat it as something of such sanctity, I usually don't feel like I am worth having something so great.

I could describe the absolutely pathetic things I've done (and trust me, I REALLY scraped the bottom of the barrel in hopes of getting into a relationship), but it brings me so much pain to even think of how low I stooped. Ever since elementary school, getting a girl was the absolute priority even over my education, so looking at my academic record, it's fair to say I tossed my future out the window doing everything I could to get a girl.

This will sound wrong, and I know it is, but I feel so much lack of motivation without a special other; I have a lot of anxiety (you might say sure every teen does, but I have actual disorders and quite a multitude of them), and without someone special to make me feel validated, I can't put up with the BS and stupidity at a job, or focus in school ( I can't pay attention in school because I daydream of having a girlfriend literally at least half the class).

So basically, it's a Catch-22; I need certain things (job, car, money) to get the girl, but I don't feel like I can get those things without the girl.

Is this a sign of serious issues?

[Alvy]

Sounds more like a mindset problem. There are plenty of other pleasures, being in a 'relationship' is just one of them, and it's not even a crucial one. I wouldn't bother actively seeking unless you just want a bit of 'fun' with another girl, and not have to commit. It' a cliche, but you really should focus on yourself first. Too often relationships fail because one person becomes too clingy and dependent on the other person. Or one person takes the other for granted. There's a lot of work involved in making a relationship function. It's not just a case of 'hooray, she/he loves me, she's/he's mine forever'. Focus on taking up new hobbies, top priority, make yourself happy. There's little point getting in a r'ship if you have nothing to offer to the other person. Why should they be involved with you?

Oh, and you don't need a car. Job and education first. When you can afford the car, the insurance and maintenance, then look for one. Heck, my partner and I don't even have a car. She takes her mum's car occasionally. And only one of her friends actually owns a car.

[Deckard]

Yeah, if I ever were to get in a relationship again, or heck, even start seeing or be in talks with a girl, I'd be too fearful that that would be my last chance and do everything in desperation to salvage it. So yup, I definitely see myself as having potential to be clingy.

There are other pleasures, certainly, but even the things I enjoy the most I can't help feeling that it could be improved so significantly if a girl were present; sometimes I just stop doing what I enjoy because the lack of makes me question if what I am doing is worth anything.

That's a fantastic question, to which I answer; I could list some positive qualities, but thinking more on them, I'd manage to overdo them and make them boring (to name a few, devoted, albeit as you can infer I'd probably too much so, reliable but to a point where I imagine this would make them feel bored and a lack of excitement, and things of that nature). In short, even those good qualities of mine I just might end up overdoing.

If only it were so about the car; the area I live in is as crass as is portrayed on TV. The girls here do care ever so much about materialistic things, social status and especially a car.

[Alvy]

Oh and your little maxim in that other thread...I'd probably pick something more positive. There's plenty of positives in not being in a relationship now. For starters, most girls around your age tend to have the emotional maturity of a rock, so be glad you don't have to put up with their pathetic mind games and behind your back gossip. Just think about how frustrating it'll be to have to deal with that for hours a day, several times a week for months or years. Not to mention the constant worrying about 'does she like me?' Or 'is she stringing me along and getting it from someone else, somewhere else?' Having that sort of drama in your life saps all your time and energy, so be glad that you're 'single'.

What's your sense of humor like? If you can get a girl you talk to to laugh, but without coming across as too try hard, then that's a definite positive quality. And there's nothing wrong with being reliable. But don't confuse reliability with predictability. Reliable is good, means you stick to your promises. Predictable on the other hand, that's boring. What other positive qualities do you have?

[xxazurexx]

A relationship and for me, comes at the bottom of my list in priorities.

I don't need one and in order to be happy, fulfilled, to live and survive, or to do what I want.

And I learned all this and after my 10 year marriage came to an end.

I think it's each to their own and what is important to them.

However, I do tend to think that it is 'unhealthy' ..ie: people who feel that having a relationship is a 'must' in life and view them as being the 'be all and end all' of life. It's quite sad that some people can't seem to function and unless they have someone by their side and seem somewhat reliant on another, for their happiness.

[Kelsey777]

I recently replied to a threat with a gentleman upset that his girlfriend acted kind of like you have the potential to act. One of the biggest problems people have with relationships is Codependency. Codependent Personality Disorder, (which I have and I am working to overcome) is exactly how you described yourself. We have low self esteem and seek validation from others, and we seek romance as means to make all our other problems go away. I understand how hard it is to live without love, especially when you don't love yourself. Trust me, if you seek some counseling for your problems or even look into some self help books like, "Codependent No More,", or take any step to learn to value yourself as an individual. You can have a fulfilling relationship if you really want to.
When I started dating my boyfriend three years ago...HE WAS MY EVERYTHING. Id do nothing but call him, I'd cling to him, and I felt like he was my entire happiness. Needless to say, we ran into a lot of problems. I'd act out if the slightest thing made me feel abandoned or unloved. I'd nit pick at things he didnt say or said that I did not like, because everything he did reflected my self esteem. He was my self esteem. It's a battle I tell ya. Fortunately, my boyfriend and I really learned to communicate. Because I truly love him, and I don't want to use him for my self love like I have others in relationships without even knowing, I've really been reflecting and looking at myself. I feel like I have taken steps in the right direction and you can too.
What was your upbringing like? Did you have a critical and or verbally/physically abusive parent? Learn what has made you feel unloved, and learn how to forgive/forget and move on.
Definitely Definitely work on your problem before thinking about a relationship, because if you enter one IT WILL GO UGLY. I have learned that from past experience.

Remember Loving someone is loving him or her for exactly who he or she is. That means accepting flaws, and not wanting to change the person at all. If you can love someone like that, you should love yourself like that too.

[Kelsey777]

oh and first sentence of above i meant THREAD not threat lol.

[Gigabitch]

Deckard, you're like a black hole. Girls will run screaming from you because you are so needy. You're going about this all wrong- you need to attract them, not hunt them down and take them captive, and to do that, you've got to have something to offer.

Work on that.