Need Advice: Pregnant and He doesn't want it, do I tell his family?

[tryingtoforget]

I recently got pregnant with my ex boyfriend after one night, we hadn't seen each other in years and both made a stupid mistake. He has moved out of our hometown. Afterwards, he confessed that he is with someone else and they have a new baby.
I plan on keeping the baby, I am happy to be a mother even though it isn't under the best circumstances.
He has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the child, and I have accepted that. I feel so guilty that my daughter won't have a father because of my poor choices, but I know I will be an amazing mother and I am ready for the challenge of single parenthood.
I have remained very close with his family, and still call his mother 'mom'. He has been fine with this. However, he has now asked me to keep his identity as the father a secret. This is difficult for me because I do not lie, and this would be a lie I would have to carry out for a lifetime. I think it is cruel to lie to this child's grandmother, I think she has a right to know and decide whether she wants to know her granddaughter.I also think it would be awful to see her all the time and have to deceive her about my child. We live in a relatively small town.
However, two things haunt me: one, his new...partner(girlfriend seems inappropriate since they have a child together) seems to have some mental issues, and he has expressed his fear that she will kill him if she finds out. I'm not sure if he really means this or not, though I know her to be volatile. I would feel awful if I felt I had some responsibility in someone getting hurt. I also don't want to disrupt his daughter's life, as her mother's reaction is unpredictable. He also says this will hurt his family(mother, sisters, etc) which is the last thing I want to do.
Part of me feels that his mistake was deceitful and he should accept the consequences. My mistake was out of love, and I am takng responsibility. But I don't want to hurt his family, or expose our children to possible trauma.
Any thoughts?

[xxazurexx]

He won't and doesn't want this to get out, because he is thinking of himself, his ass and his relationship.
He f**ked up and now doesn't want to face any consequences for his actions.....awww poor him.

Yes I would tell his family and because I feel they have a right to know, about this additional member of the family on the way.

If I was his mum, I'd want to know about this baby.

And make sure you take him for child support!!!

[girl68]

Tell. It's not his place to tell you you're not allowed to tell. Does he honestly think he'll be able to keep you quiet for the childs ENTIRE life? Yeah right.

[qwertz]

What a mess. This is what condoms are for.

I honestly cant say what i would do. On the one hand your baby should see and get to know her father and her family, but on the other hand, this could tear apart his relationship with the mother of his child- that then leaves 2 children without a consistent father in their lives.

Think very carefully before you do anything.

[Gigabitch]

And what are you planning on telling everyone when you're running around with an obvious baby bump? That it was an immaculate conception?

Yes, tell his mother. Don't be a liar. Watch out for his babymama, too, because you must know it's more likely she'll come after you than him. He's such a little weasel, he'll probably say you got him drunk and took advantage.

[warriormaiden]

Uh, this is easy.

You have the RIGHT, as the mother of HIS child to let his mother, HER flesh and blood know about her grandchild. That man is SO bloody selfish. He should be glad it was you and not me that he knocked up, or I would've shoved my foot so far up his.........you know what I'm trying to say. If he didn't want a child to come in and mess up his relationship and his status as a 'good guy', then he should've man up when he slept with you and used protection. Or, better yet, don't have sex with you at all!! Coming from a girl who hasn't seen her father or his family in over 12 years, your daughter needs to know where she comes from, she needs to know about her roots. That man is just being a total and utter slimy douchebag, only thinking about his own well being and comfort, and not about what's right for the child. Because, even if he wants her not, this is still HIS child at the end of the day. He deserves whatever comes from his crazy girlfriend. This is just sickening.

I have come in to alot of contact with men like this. And it just makes my blood BOIL something fierce. I feeling like punching something.

And don't forget to take his weak ass to court for child support!!!

[tryingtoforget]

We did use a condom, it broke, first time in my life that's happened. Took Plan B the next morning. Guess the Universe had other plans. Hope women(and men) see this and realize that you shouldn't have sex with anyone you wouldn't want to have kids with, protection or not. I guess thats a big duh.

[tryingtoforget]

Thanks everyone, for the advice, I was leaning toward telling her also. I can't imagine lying for my whole life, and lying to my daughter???
Next question is when and how do I tell his mother? I know the tendency in these situations is to blame the woman. Obviously I can't give her too many details about the situation, especially since I'm not interested in defaming him to his family, which will only hurt his mother. I'm two months pregnant now. Should I wait? Is it awful to write a letter?

[Kaius]

I think you should terminate the pregnancy. You may be ruining your own future,
and the baby's as well. People think they can beat the statistics, but that rarely happens.
Sorry.

[tryingtoforget]

I don't know what statistics you are referring to, and I'm certainly not interested in knowing them. I'm educated, have a stable job, a wonderful supportive family, and a nice home. There is no reason that my child will not thrive, and your unsolicited "advice" is, frankly, horrifying. Termination should not be used as backup birth control. It should only be used in cases where it would be best for mother and child, which does not apply to this circumstance.

[misombra]

what a horrible position for this guy to put you in. i think you should explain to this supposed man that it is not right to keep this information from someone. you have to take most of the responsibility for it because you're the mom. he should take some too. tell him that if you do what he wants he's going to have to pay you a large penalty fee every month for your silence.

although it's hardly worth it. can he be reasoned with at all? can't you say you're not going to keep this a secret?

[xxazurexx]

I think you should terminate the pregnancy. You may be ruining your own future,
and the baby's as well. People think they can beat the statistics, but that rarely happens.
Sorry.

Why the heck should she terminate her pregnancy and because some doofus decides he doesn't want to stick around and keep it all hush, so as to protect his cowardly ass.

This is 'her' baby too.

Believe it or not, single mums can do just as good a job of raising kids as couples do! And that child can thrive just as well as it would, as kids with both parents.

No offence Kaius, but you talk shite sometimes :|

I think you should stick to writing scripts for horror movies......do what ya best at

[RdHrshyKss]

what should be most important in this situation is your future daughter. it's not right to set a lying precedent from the moment she is born. if he doesn't want to be involved, then that is his choice, but he shouldn't have pulled his pants down and had sex with you if he wasn't able to handle the consequences. do what is best for you and your daughter, and that is to be truthful about her conception. just keep an eye out on his new partner. make sure that she can't do any harm to you or your daughter. do not be concerned with him, if she's that destructive he shouldn't be with her in the first place, let alone have a baby with her too! what a tool, he deserves whatever he gets...

i personally don't know how you can go about telling his mom. maybe just act normal and tell her when you're showing and she asks? if she asks you why you didn't tell her, just say you hoped that her son would have been the one to tell her.

[Incognito]

I recently got pregnant with my ex boyfriend after one night, we hadn't seen each other in years and both made a stupid mistake. He has moved out of our hometown. Afterwards, he confessed that he is with someone else and they have a new baby.
I plan on keeping the baby, I am happy to be a mother even though it isn't under the best circumstances.
He has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the child, and I have accepted that. I feel so guilty that my daughter won't have a father because of my poor choices, but I know I will be an amazing mother and I am ready for the challenge of single parenthood.
I have remained very close with his family, and still call his mother 'mom'. He has been fine with this. However, he has now asked me to keep his identity as the father a secret. This is difficult for me because I do not lie, and this would be a lie I would have to carry out for a lifetime. I think it is cruel to lie to this child's grandmother, I think she has a right to know and decide whether she wants to know her granddaughter.I also think it would be awful to see her all the time and have to deceive her about my child. We live in a relatively small town.
However, two things haunt me: one, his new...partner(girlfriend seems inappropriate since they have a child together) seems to have some mental issues, and he has expressed his fear that she will kill him if she finds out. I'm not sure if he really means this or not, though I know her to be volatile. I would feel awful if I felt I had some responsibility in someone getting hurt. I also don't want to disrupt his daughter's life, as her mother's reaction is unpredictable. He also says this will hurt his family(mother, sisters, etc) which is the last thing I want to do.
Part of me feels that his mistake was deceitful and he should accept the consequences. My mistake was out of love, and I am takng responsibility. But I don't want to hurt his family, or expose our children to possible trauma.
Any thoughts?

He is pulling out the stops coming up with all sorts of bullshit excuses to keep from being held responsible. If his current gf has a problem and tries to kill him he needs to dump her and get a restraining order. Make SURE his name is on the birth certificate, and if he denies it take him to court and get a paternity test. Don't shortchange yourself or your daughter. Take his ass to court and get child support. You underestimate how difficult it is going to be to take care of a child on your own. As far as his family.....he isn't concerned about "them being hurt" he is concerned about looking like an ass in front of them. Even if he is having a baby with a mentally challenged woman, that doesn't mean that you should shortchange yourself and your daughter. Hit him for child support, and if his family is decent then they will understand why you're doing it and won't hold it against you. Get your money and allow your daughter to know her other half of the family (especially her grandmother) if they allow it. In case you're wondering, yes, I'm a man.

[Incognito]

As far as telling his mother that shouldn't be that hard since you two seem to have a good relationship. You are worrying too much about this jerk and his reputation. Forget him. He's made it quite clear that he won't help you (willingly) or be involved. Tell mom, rape him for child support, and get a restraining order against his crazy gf if you have to. Oh and in case you're wondering a paternity test is $400.00 (or at least it was back in 2002). As long as you are taking him to court he'll probably deny paternity, which will prompt the need for a test. Since he denied paternity he will get stuck with the bill. Just a few facts you you....