Life without love?

[jamie2010taylor]

i was wondering, im a guy who struggles significantly to get a relationship compared to others of my age. In my whole 18 years alive i have never had a girlfriend and any time i come close i blow it (only come close twice). i have had on and off depression and i believe this fact of lovelesness is the source of the problem. i dont feel complete, like a part of me is missing. i see other people in relationships and i am so envyous. last time i came close i fell in love and the girl went off me. It was crushing and even though im almost fully over her i still feel im not out of the woods yet, after experiencing the true reality of the feeling i dont know how much longer i can pretend im happy with my life e.g. earlier last year overachieving in my school work, met the girl in january, stopped talking in april and here i am failing my exams, virtually no friends, a family that love and resent me at the same time and amusingly i just failed my driving theory to add to the crap. Around March/April i used to drink excessively during the day which a psychotherapist tells me is a method of ridding myself of these feelings, and i think im craving it again.

Any reassurance to my situation would be much appreciated, thankyou.

[katielacey]

Hey don't worry.

My friend got married this year to a guy she met at uni (she's 23 now) and she'd never had a boyfriend before him. My dad got married at 31 and only went out with a couple of girls. So really don't worry about it. Better to meet the right person once than go through the heartache of lots of bad break ups!

The best thing to do is not think about it - just enjoy your life and make friends with guys and girls. Life isn't just about relationships - although I know it can feel like it sometimes. But really just have fun - join some clubs, start a new activity.

Focus on your exams right now as they will help you in the future, with your career etc. But don't let this get you down. Think of all the amazing things you can do with your life. At 18 there's so much you can do - you have so much potential. Focus on all the good things you can do and that you have in your life - like your loving family and the fact you're a clever guy .

You've got loads going for you - just relax, have fun and focus on the good - then who knows what might happen

[Cloud206]

From my point of view don't worry,i know they say better to have loved and lost then not at all but when u do lose u would wish not to have know the feeling of love at all.At 18 go and check all the girls u can,hop around from girl to girl .

[FNM]

I feel for you dude, I've been in that seemingly bottomless pit before. You seem like a pretty intelligent guy and to me that says that you'll be able to really appreciate a relationship when (not if, when) you find it.

18 years may seem like a lot, but let's be realistic: for the first ten years of your life every member of the opposite sex is your enemy. For the next 5 or 6 years, relationships do become more common, but 99% of them are meaningless, irrelevant and forgotten faster than a sand castle next to the sea. Admittedly, around the age of 17-18 people's emotional capacity does tend to mature, and relationships do become more genuine. So in essence buddy, you've only really been missing out for 2 years. And I say 'missing out' sarcastically, I'd say a good 70% of these relationships are still shallow and based on vanity alone.

As for feeling as though part of you is missing and being jealous about others' relationships, well, we've all been there. I've had a majorly miserable part of my life. I was hugely preoccupied by love and felt almost as though time was running out, and that every day that I didn't have a girlfriend was a waste of a day. I dare say you probably have similar thoughts from time to time. Unfortunately, feeling like this has a pretty visible effect. People can see and sense that you aren't happy and in honesty, it's not an attractive trait. It's a vicious circle, and a painful one at that: You feel bad about your 'love life', this affects your disposition and emotions, people realise this (consciously or subconsciously) and are less interested in spending time with you and you become less attractive to others. Thus, you feel even worse about your 'love life', which affects you even more emotionally... you see where this is going.

It's not hard to get out of this loop at all. Fact is, you are going to be way more attractive to girls if they see you laughing, smiling, spending time with your friends, looking healthy etc etc. Hell, even if you feel awful, just put on a brave face. If people think and see that you are a fun person, they'll want to get to know you. Next thing you know, you'll be fighting girls off with a stick!

As for exams, I've been in that trench too, I did terribly in my exams a few months ago, but I picked myself up and got my head in place. Without wanting to sound big-headed, I'm finding A levels a breeze now. Even if your exams go wrong again, it's not the end of the world. There's always a pathway to a decent education, whether you're 18 or 80. Theory test? Don't worry about that dude, re-book it, when it's about a week away just do a few mock tests each night. Worked like a charm for me. Like I said, you seem pretty clever, most of the questions are common sense anyway, so don't let that bring you down.

Alcoholism isn't my speciality, but if you can resist for a while longer, whilst putting on a joyous exterior, you'll be feeling a damn sight better in no time and alcohol will be the last thing you care about.

It might seem like a bottomless pit, but there's a bottom, dude. And the only way is up. Good luck man.

[Jas_mine]

Dude you are still young! And I don't say that in a patronising fashion. I say stop comparing yourself to others, walk at your own pace. It will honestly happen when you least expect it - the harder you look, the less likely you are to find.

Please focus on yourself. It would be a good idea to confront why exactly you desperately need a relationship - loneliness? Do you feel it will complete you in some way? In that case, what is actually missing in your life? How is that void going to be filled by some chick?

[jamie2010taylor]

thanks for the comments guys, FNM i guess your right if this is the bottom, and evrything bad that could have happened has then maybe i have knowhere to go but up. I don't know i have serious problems with self motivation, i can be overly critical of my self, although just for the record i failed my theory again remarkabley even worse than the first time which made me depressed again, due to more self doubt, the horrible thing is driving is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself and even thats failing on me, as for my next theory it wont be for a while now, i dont think i can endure that one more time. This leads me on to you jasmine, ill take that point and hopefully urge a way to start moving north, but first i have to find out how. Until my exams are over i suppose new hobbies are a good place to start. Although i will say i was diagnosed with a form of social anxiety disorder last week which explains my uncontrolable panic attacks around people in social situations (half the reason i was dumped also), so im soon undergoing CBT treatment to hopefully cure me of it, and i feel if this is successful i might have another bite of the cherry at valuing life.

thanks again,

[evoleurt]

i feel exaclty the same, i'm 24 and have been going through this kinda thing since i was 16. I'm a virgin in every sense of the word. Recently it seems to be getting to me alot more. I suppose it because every day im am constantly reminded that im not in a relationship and never have been by those who i work work with. I'm the only single person there. I dont know what advice to give to you as i have not been successful in dealing with this issue. I may be suffering from depression is just enhancing the way i feel about relationships but i am unsure. I suppose we both just have to not let this demon take over us, after all its us who is creating it so we must therefore destroy it before it does us.

[irrelevant_89]

How many of these threads have come and gone... well I'm almost 21, and on the same boat as you OP. Yes, it gets to me often... almost all of my friends and all the girls I know have someone, and when that happens it's annoying. When you notice it you're cringing every time you see a couple kissing on the street. meh... I just try to focus on work and music to distract myself. One day we'll all either find someone or realize it's not all that important, or hopefully both.

[the ice man]

Your relative is a relative failure because if there was one you were part of it. If you were a part of it you know yourself? You would probably not know. Want to know without fail?