Dissociative identity disorder

[-Valentina-]

Hi everyone,

I have been thinking about posting this for a long time, until recent events really led me to seek some neutral perspectives.

So I have a boyfriend and we are together already for three years. From the very beginning I knew about his condition - he has a dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality disorder) but lapses were rare for the first year and a half. Now it's getting progressively worse.

He has two alter-egos. The main one is sensitive and caring man that truly loves me but the other one feels trapped in our relationship and seems not to love me as much. I want to make it clear that it wasn't a problem for me until his second personality has started to take the control more and more often and has been messing around with random girls. He also can be very aggressive. It scares me as right now I am in my sixth month of pregnancy and I am afraid that if this continues this way, it can be dangerous not even for me but for our baby as well.

What to do? Is it considered cheating if my boyfriend doesn't have any conscious memory of that? I am hoping the aggressiveness is due to a recent change of his medication and things will level out when the doctors will correct the doses.

What advice do you have for a girl torn between two men, who are one? I know it seems like a mess, but I do love him with all my heart, and he loves me with most of his, as much as he can. I believe we can be happy in the future, but my friends say I should distance myself for the sake of me and our baby.

[vashti]

i seriously hope this is a joke, and you didn't go and get yourself knocked up by this guy.

[xxazurexx]

I can see a few people latching onto this.

HER: Why did you cheat?

HIM: Oh it was because I have dissociative personality order....

HER: 'OK honey, that explains it all ...

[-Valentina-]

Of course you can look at it as a joke from the outside, but when you are genuinely affected by this, it is not a laughing matter. In a normal scenario I would never accept cheating or anything like that but here I really need advise. We have talked about marriage and we both wanted this baby.. I am afraid that in the future he might feel distant towards our child or be agressive. We discussed all this before I got pregnant but during these six months things have gotten much worse.

[xxazurexx]

^^What I'm not understanding, is why the heck you would choose to come onto an internet forum and seek help?

I think you would be far better going to seek PROFESSIONAL advice and from someone in the MENTAL HEALTH CARE profession, who would understand this illness and offer advice,..

I know I would and if I was 'that' concerned and my problem was a one which I was genuinely wanting help in.

[bluesummer]

^Totally right, this is not a 'love' or relationship issue. This is a mental health issue that needs to be dealt with professionally. Is he getting care for this problem???

[vashti]

Had you asked for help sooner, I would have advised you against striking up a relationship with someone who is seriously mentally ill.

[-Valentina-]

I have done that already. The psychiatrist (the one that also performed his diagnosis) said that it might take a while for him to answer the treatment and that in most cases the situation can be improved but not solved.
I came here hoping that maybe someone knows somebody who also has this disorder and could tell how the therapy worked for them and how to treat these people..

[-Valentina-]

Is he getting care for this problem???

Yes, he is receiving an ongoing treatment.

[Mish]

The realationship sounds unhealthy and I agree with your friends that for the health of your baby and yourself it's probably better to put an end to it. It's hard to recommend break up when children are involved, but he is acting in a threatening and aggressive manner and you have a responsibility to protect a new life. You should've payed more attention to where his behaviour was leading to in the beginning.

[-Valentina-]

I understood that it probably would be the best option but then - even if I only care about myself and our baby, how can I dump him because of his disorder? He can't help it and I know that most of the time he loves me very much. I want to be with him but sometimes it seems too complicated.

[xxazurexx]

^^I think your babys welfare should be top priority. Never mind what you or him want - you do what you think is best in the circumstances for your baby.

And I'd be willing to sacrifice a partner for the sake of my child and if I had a cause to be worried/concerned about his behaviour around her. Her welfare comes FIRST, always has, always will.

[-Valentina-]

My parents have never liked him, especially my mother. She was never supportive of us having a baby. In her opinon, his condition doesn't allow him to be a father. When I was already pregnant, she tried to convince me that abortion could be a way out of this. Now as the things are getting worse, sometimes I think that maybe she was right. When I catch myself having these thoughts, I feel awful but.. All this causes a big stress for me which is not good for our baby..

[vashti]

Your mother WAS right. You shouldn't have had a baby with this man. Serious mental illnesses have a hereditary component, and you living with an unhealthy man may be just the thing that allows your child to be pushed over the edge into their own mental illness. Maybe you should try to do the right thing and minimize the damage?

I don't think you can expect this man to outgrow his condition. It won't happen.

[-Valentina-]

Now my mother is talking about giving our baby up for adoption. I think it's not an option but what do you think?