Defiant, Demanding, and Disruptive children ruining a relationship!

[elrod071]

You don't want help. You want to be right.

I want to someone to help me on here. i came here looking for some answers or helpful feedback, that's it. can you help me?

[vashti]

Ideally, you will leave. You are not cut out for the role you are forcing yourself in to.

Short of that, you and your girlfriend need parenting classes. LOTS of them.

[elrod071]

Ideally, you will leave. You are not cut out for the role you are forcing yourself in to.

Short of that, you and your girlfriend need parenting classes. LOTS of them.

ok, i appreciate your advice and thanks. l don't want to fight with anyone on here. so do you think if i tried to go the parenting class route that would help? the thing i don't get though is this......I am my kids parent, and if it was a parenting issue with me let's say, why have my kids turned out to be respectful to adults and don't have to be yelled at constantly from am to pm? and not like these boys that have to be put in shock collars all day to control. I know all kids are different but I'm dealing with an overpowering situation. I don't wan't to give up though, that's why i came on here to try and talk to someone that can help us get this fixed. thanks....

[vashti]

Maybe your kid's mother is doing a better job of parenting.

[IndiReloaded]

Ideally, you will leave. You are not cut out for the role you are forcing yourself in to.

Short of that, you and your girlfriend need parenting classes. LOTS of them.

This^. However you have asked for specific help so lets give a couple things a try and see what pings.

1. First, recognize this is a FREE internet forum. Noone here owes you anything and noone is being paid to give you advice. As happens, there are a few parents and professionals here. If they choose to give you advice, keep in mind what I said about it being a free online forum. If you want guaranteed professional advice, spend some money and see a counsellor.

2. Go get this book. Read it, then give it to your partner to read. Its one of the best parenting books I know of, but you wont find it in most bookshops youll have to order it. If you can't be bothered to do that, then walk away b/c you aren't really committed to helping this family.

[url=http://www.omnipotentchild.com/omnipotentchild.html]Palmer Press- The Omnipotent Child[/url]

3. Recognize the children's behaviour is a parenting issue. Why? Because if they were raised in my house, I guarantee they would not act the way you describe. Refer back to my post about consistent discipline (this doesn't mean hitting them, btw) where there are defined consequences for poor behaviour. I don't have time to address every point in your long post, but if you want to take a specific example we can start with this one:

4. Why do you think the child challenged you to your seat? Do you think you can figure any of his motives in this? There are several and he probably doesn't recognize any of them. Once we establish you understand that, we can move on to how you could have dealt with it more effectively.

[SirWagginston]

I think medicating children is a form of child abuse.

Refusing to medicate children who need it is a form of child abuse. If you were my mom, I would have been totally screwed.

[IndiReloaded]

It is extremely unlikely that BOTH those kids need medication, SirW.

[SirWagginston]

It is extremely unlikely that BOTH those kids need medication, DW.

Did DW post in this thread?

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry, I get you two mixed up. I think its the Ws. Same about the lawyer comment before. LOL, hard to mix that up with theoretical physics, tho.

[SirWagginston]

Guess I'm going to have to kill DW.

[elrod071]

It is extremely unlikely that BOTH those kids need medication, SirW.

They are miror images of one another....behaviorwise that is. the youngest follows suit in all of his older brothers behaviors.

[elrod071]

This^. However you have asked for specific help so lets give a couple things a try and see what pings.

1. First, recognize this is a FREE internet forum. Noone here owes you anything and noone is being paid to give you advice. As happens, there are a few parents and professionals here. If they choose to give you advice, keep in mind what I said about it being a free online forum. If you want guaranteed professional advice, spend some money and see a counsellor.

2. Go get this book. Read it, then give it to your partner to read. Its one of the best parenting books I know of, but you wont find it in most bookshops youll have to order it. If you can't be bothered to do that, then walk away b/c you aren't really committed to helping this family.



[url=http://www.omnipotentchild.com/omnipotentchild.html]Palmer Press- The Omnipotent Child[/url]

3. Recognize the children's behaviour is a parenting issue. Why? Because if they were raised in my house, I guarantee they would not act the way you describe. Refer back to my post about consistent discipline (this doesn't mean hitting them, btw) where there are defined consequences for poor behaviour. I don't have time to address every point in your long post, but if you want to take a specific example we can start with this one:

4. Why do you think the child challenged you to your seat? Do you think you can figure any of his motives in this? There are several and he probably doesn't recognize any of them. Once we establish you understand that, we can move on to how you could have dealt with it more effectively.

thank you! I will look into getting that book. I appreciate the feedback....thanks.

[IndiReloaded]

You are welcome.

The fact the brothers are mirror images of poor behaviour is due to the bad parenting. In most households, only one child has ADD or Aspergers, or whatever. It is extremely unusual that two children require medication b/c of some genetic problem that affects their behaviour.

Look to the book, think about things and then get back to us. Don't forget to answer Question #4, I'm quite serious about that. You need to examine your own thinking if you want to help these kids.

[elrod071]

You are welcome.

The fact the brothers are mirror images of poor behaviour is due to the bad parenting. In most households, only one child has ADD or Aspergers, or whatever. It is extremely unusual that two children require medication b/c of some genetic problem that affects their behaviour.

Look to the book, think about things and then get back to us. Don't forget to answer Question #4, I'm quite serious about that. You need to examine your own thinking if you want to help these kids.

I think he challenged me because he was trying to establish control over me, as if he was trying to see how far he could push me and in his own way, tell me that he's the boss. his father is exactly that. always has to be in control, defiant, nobody tells him what to do, and he will talk to anyone the way he wishes to......but of course nobody can do that to him. he is the your hinus type of guy.

two questions? why is it unusual that two kids would require meds in the same household? and, what are some examples of genetic problems that can affect a child's behavior? Thank you very much for your feedback......

[IndiReloaded]

No, he's not old enough to consciously want to establish control over you. YOU are the adult. What he was doing was testing boundaries and that is much different. Children his age *want* boundaries, it makes them feel safe, something these kids haven't felt for some time, if ever.

You are far too defensive around these children and transfer your dislike of the father to them. You need to get over this. Those children need help, they are not the enemy.

Here is how I would have handled this situation:

Child tells me rudely to move. I ask him why. He would reply "because its my seat". I would say "oh, I'm sorry I hadn't realized this was your favourite seat." I would then challenge him. I would tell him I would be happy to move, but I am upset with the rude way he asked me to move. I would tell him to please ask me *politely* to move and I would happily do so.

This^ sets firm boundaries for behaviour I will tolerate while still letting him 'win'. Psychologically, this child feels very powerless over his shitty family situation. Instead of yelling at him or setting up a power struggle, let him know clearly you are prepared to respect his wishes provided he behave respectfully himself.

There are a couple of outcomes I can predict when you try this, but either one will eventually get you the desired result IF you are consistent with this approach. BTW, even if he asks you nicely with some sarcasm, give in at least this first time so long as he uses the correct form (please, and without shouting or threatening). Remember, you are retraining this child, so you can't expect perfection immediately. As you progress, you can raise the bar for his behaviour.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have about this. When you get that book, a lot of this will be covered in it also. Good luck.

The children do not sound to me to have a genetic behavioural problem, so I'm not going to go there except to emphasize its unlikely. If you really want to know, ask your doctor but s/he will tell you the same thing I am, I predict.