are we close to the end

[xirokx]

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years this year.

We are both in our early thirties and have been through many challenging times mainly interfering families and insecurity about eachothers feelings i.e. do we belong together etc

Last year after changing jobs 3 times in 3 years due to me not being happy at work which also caused minor arguments I decided to study for a degree.

Since Sept 09 when my course started she has been my rock, always supported me emotionally and physically and has stood by me through thick and thin. Same for me too, if shes having a bad day at work or generally feeling low then Im there bringing her up in a flash.

However since Sept 09, as I have been working most weekends to pay my way, we dont get to spend weekends together and time spent together has been very minimal, as Im either working, studying or sleeping. Its what we both understood life to be like and both agreed it was the right move for our futures as we hope to go abroad and settle down elsewhere.

She has been promoted this year, she earns a decent salary and since sept 09 I have noticed a real big change in her personality. I feel she is more bigheaded, arrogant and basically doesnt listen or care to what I have to say about 20% of the time.

We argue about the smallest things and cannot find common ground to agree. There have been more times of happiness then sadness since sept 09 though. Its not all doom and gloom.

Today we were talking and I told her how I felt, she disagreed, she sometimes feel like I am using her promotion against her, despite always supporting her and encouraging her to do better in her job etc.

It all started because she wants to go on holiday, I told her in many ways I could not afford it, she offered to pay and I said it wasnt fair that she could use the money elsewhere. However I did say I would get the money from my sister who still owes me alot of cash from when I previously in full time employment to which she sighed.

I told my partner that recently she had been purchasing alot of small value things and asked if she was doing so to compensate for other things. To which she replied no. I told her we had many conversations about purchasing a and b and c but that it was a waste and despite saying she wouldnt she did buy them in the end. She said it was her money and I said that wasnt the point, the point to me is that we agreed not to.

Rewind 1 year ago, when I had a well paid job and was purchasing small things here and there, she would not like it or if i told her in advance she would tell me I shouldnt buy it because its too expensive.

All in all I feel like this is the beginning of the end because we dont communicate enough due to lack of time, we dont agree on things like we used to and therefore some respect on both parts has been lost.

She told me I was being over negative and that I over analyse things.

Its true that I always begin these conversations and always speak about the importance of communication, honest and respecty however I only speak my mind which I back up with examples.

So we left it as is but I cannot help things are not like they used to be.

i have felt like this for 2 weeks now, despite our conversation today and throughout the last 2 weeks I have been exploring every part of our relationship. Like our sex life, I dont like it, I hate the fact she never or rarely comes on to me, that I have to ask for sex as if begging for a treat and feel like when we are in the middle of it she is just laying there without any conviction. I have spoken to her many times about this before and she says she will try harder and that its not really important to her. We dont have much oral sex on my part because she doesnt like it, she doesnt like me using my fingers and apart from placing her in different positions there is no use of sexual aids or dressing up or anything. Unlike my previous relationship.

She thinks our relationship is great, that we both get on well, understand eachother however I told her today I feel its lacking in many places to which she said I was over analysing things.

I am so tired mentally and physically due to my schedule that I am not sure if I am overreacting or if I have a point. I feel like i have a point n all but when I speak to her its like i dont.

Tomorrow, sat and sunday I have to work and she knows that time we have is precious and that I dont like arguing or having bad feelings during this time but somehow since Sept 09 it just happens..

What do I do? what you guys think? Sorry its all muffled and confused I just really need to get it out and speak to someone..

there is so many other things i want to say but will keep it to this for now...

[vashti]

I don't think you have any right to tell her how to spend her money. You aren't married. Is she supporting you financially? Or contributing to your living expenses? Because it sounds like perhaps she is becoming resentful of your inability to do the normal things people your age do - like go on vacation. If you aren't bringing in enough income, maybe you should consider cutting down on school, and increasing your work.

Your sex life needs to be negotiated. A lot of women don't care for "sexual aids and dressing up". She may be one of these women. If you can't accept that, you aren't a sexual match.

[xirokx]

im not telling her how to spend her cash, im just making her think about unnecessary purchases like she did to me when I was in a well paid job.

I have the ability to do normal things as she wants I am not financially dependant on her.

I want us to be equal and not to have one rule for her and another for me. I also want her to see the lack of communication in our relationship I know we dont have much time but we do have time to communicate and agree to stick to our decisions etc...

I just want to avoid us from going down different paths or am I too late? Before our ideals were the same, our wants were the same, we used to laugh without arguing these days it takes the smallest things and were at eachother....this is what I want to avoid and have told her so however she believes I am over exaggerating and over analysisng thing...I always start these kind of discussions and chats and she doesnt...does it mean we are not compatible?

i dont know what to think atm, i have so much going through my mind, i just dont want her to resent me if we split and want her to feel like i wasted her time, or will she think that anyway...

i thought us men were crap at communicating, explaining our feellings etc, for the last 3 years it doesnt feel that way...

[EnjoyingLife]

I think whether you are a communicator or not is dependent on your personality and how you were brought up. Maybe she is not a very good communicator, doesn't want to deal with any 'bad' issues in the relationship (in denial), or she doesn't really care (just wants to live her life her way). If your partner dismisses your concerns by saying you're over analysing I don't blame you for feeling you are being pushed to the side or drifting apart in your relationship! Whenever I tell my partner that I feel like we are 'disconnected' or live separate lives at times he will often just say no we don't, let's go out for dinner and then he'll hug me and say our relationship is good. To me this is also dismissing my concerns and thinking he can make everything better with dinner or a gift. It's very frustrating sometimes! He then wonders why I often bring it up (because it's never resolved)!

I don't think there is much more you can do for now. It's tough studying and working at the same time but you sound like you make the time for her. I hope things work out for you both!

[xirokx]

thanks for your response...

so the big question is do I put or call it a day?

I think if issues remain unresolved they only go full circle and comeback bigger and worse.

When we discuss she certainly listens more then talk which can be frustating because it makes me feel like I am just thinking these things up or do I have a point.

She often says she doesnt know what to say which makes me feel as I am blowing things out of proportion despite wearing my heart on my sleeve.

However these issues are important me to because I really do love her and want her to see things the way I do and realise overcoming these things will make us stronger.

If I stop then am I living a lie? As it then becomes a matter of convienance rather as opposed to a relationship built on a love, trust and communication..

I cannot answer this because I simply don't know

.................................................. ...............

[IndiReloaded]

She told me I was being over negative and that I over analyse things.

This^ and the fact you seem somewhat insecure about your opinion. You sound like someone who is trying to prove his opinions have value and somewhat frustrated b/c you perceive she is disrespecting them.

I think ending an otherwise good relationship for these reasons is short-sighted. The key is the 'otherwise good' part. My read is this is simply a communication problem and possibly some insecurity on your part that she may be picking up on. People give you the respect you take for yourself, and women can be very harsh in judging their partners in this regard.

Think about this and ask more questions if you need to. Good luck.