The best way to move on?

[slmgringo]

So heres the story.

I dated a girl for approximately 3 years. It was very up and down, hot and cold. Over the course of this time we broke up maybe 3 or four times and always seemed to resolve the issues. This girl was the closest person I was able to connect to; I felt I was able to be fully myself. Fast forward to about 2 months ago and again we break up again mutually. However this time, about 3 weeks later shes begins dating someone else. I've been devastated since. So here are my issues:

How can I get out of this depression of her moving on with someone else?

Why am I feeling jealous? I can recall that there were many issues with communication and respect that we constantly struggled with but I still want her back, what gives?

Why does my reason and logic not seem to offer any consolation to this??
Logically I think jealousy is very immature. I recognize I have merit independent of her and this new relationship. Logically I know there many fish in the sea etc. But it does not help. I still feel have a scared feeling that I will not find someone with whom I can open up to as I once did with her.

I'm coming here as a last resort really. I've joined a gym and been trying to hang out with friends, but these only seem to be temporary patches at best. This depression is still lingering and I'm starting to worry about it. I still feel alone, abandoned and hopeless at the end of the day. She wants to remain friends but I have told her I can not have contact with her until I'm healed. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Brandon.

[hello_gorgeous]

I think the only way for us to move on is give it time. I know its now what you wanted to hear but apparently that is the only thing that can heal a broken heart. I'm in a very similar situation as you are. Pretty damn depressed as well, just try to stay strong man.

[Cloud206]

Tell yourself you will get over it over and over untill it's true.If you love or simply want her to be happy just forget her.

[cmacattack1]

While she may have been the only one that you have fully opened yourself up to so far, she is not the only person that you can open up to. It takes time to really get to know somebody before you want to, and I'm sure it's a daunting task seeing as how you just invested 3 years into your last girlfriend. Hopefully with the experience you gained from this relationship, you will better be able to not only choose a suitable mate for you, but also be a better boyfriend then you were before.

And you do need some work. I think you assumed you were going to get back together like you did the first couple times and it probably really shocked you when you realized that you couldn't anymore. A break is exactly what it is: the ending of the relationship. If it means something to you, you should fight to keep it so it doesn't happen again. To really learn from your mistakes. Even after that, there is no guarentee that they will be there. That kind of comfortable is not good, because the relationship isn't growing anymore because you aren't putting the effort in. The work has to be consistent in order to grow together. You aren't to blame for all of your problems, but you are responsible for how you handle situations and what actions are taken on your end.

There is no magical way to take away that pain and there will always be a void until you are with somebody new. Until that, all you can do is go to the gym, hang out with your friends and all that. It only brings temporary reprieve, so you have to focus and do these kinds of things every day, and that will help pass the time. If you aren't ready for a new relationship, I understand and I'm sure you will change your tune when you meet the right girl. Until then, have fun, date casually, and so on.

[Teddy057]

Well man, there isn't much you can do to make the depression "magically vanish" believe it or not, you lost a part of you, and she lost a part of herself. 3 years together, it's gonna take a long time to recover from that. Hell, my relationship that lasted a year and some odd weeks is still taking time to get over, and it's been 2 months. Matters of the heart are very complicated, and take lots of time. The only thing you can really do is keep yourself occupied, workout at the gym as hard as you can, and keep hanging out with friends.

[Cosmo]

LOL in your shoes man. Almost verbatim.
We were engaged and together for 4 years, but same difference. She wanted to go on a break, I said no lets break up. 4 days after our break she started 'seeing' buddy. 3 weeks later they're official and put a down payment on a house together, I found this out today, DAMN YOU FACEBOOK!
WTF? In 3 weeks I've lost 17 lbs of body fat and 110lbs of insanity. Think of it that way. It doesn't help that she is smoking hot and half this town is drooling after her (they obviously don't know how crazy she is), but it'll be nice when she moves away with this guy to be honest. Everywhere I go I hear 'why did you break up with her, you are a moron' Do the same thing metaphorically, detach yourself from her as much as possible and ignore everyone else. They don't know shit.

I don't know man, I've been up and down. But you'll find someone who truly loves you. My goal right now is to find one of those women who literally spend every minute trying to please you, will be a nice change (not permanent obviously, someone like this needs relationship counselling, but it'd be nice for awhile). She was disrespectful to me too and very selfish and we went on a break ourselves. Should have recognized this as a 'get the hell out' flashing sign but we are here to learn. Actually there were lots of these, I was either too naiive or head over heels to notice them. At the same time we truly were in love and I know that's part of what you are battling with. Think of the negatives, not the positives. You WILL find someone to love again so count that as an 'equal' sign, then the negatives make your ex look like 'not an option'.There ARE lots of fish in the sea, don't rush it. Lord knows I won't be rushing into a home with an alcoholic rebound like SOMEONE I know haha.

Its a learning experience, I too am very afraid of never finding someone. It's been 3-4 weeks and I've barely spoken to any women, literally. But I know I will. I am happy being me, I miss that warm hole and having someone to come home to but being able to fart and go golfing whenever you like is also very nice.
It's true I was in a rut, unemployed with no motivation or ambition, gained 30lbs, but a good partner would help you through that not go bone some other guy with more money. Her loss, as soon as the female public knows I'm' available chaos and anarchy will erupt in women all around the world. I need to find a lady attracted to physical qualities, I have absolutely no money or work related ambition... or **** it I'll just lie like every other guy who picks up ladies at the bar.

Laugh at my own jokes. Continue. There's no easy way, just get her out of your mind and move on.

--A few days ago I was worried that maybe I should be helping her, she really has become mentally unstable. Her actions can only be explained through psychosis (would you move in with a guy who raped you?) but I now know that doing anything or worrying about it is not healthy for me. i want to be friends with her, but its important that until I'm ready I act as though she has literally vanished. I also realized this is a fairly common occurrence it seems. I know another girl who seemed completely sane, until she divorced her husband and 2 weeks later started dating a homeless cocaine addict. Maybe its some sort of subconscious way of hurting their former men? I don't know.

[slmgringo]

Wow. Thanks for all the prompt replies.

I realize there is no magical solution for this issue (which does suck :-P) but thanks none the less. I guess deep down I do know it is just time, its good to have it reaffirmed though.

"casual dating"
Care to elaborate please? One issue currently is that I feel I've in a way almost forgot how to be social, talk to people and more specifically women. I mean I'm 24! Thats unacceptable! Any advice here is more than welcome.


Damn Cosmo, thats crazy. We gota be the same guy. I was ina rut too, I'm now trying to be productive and turn the negative into positive. I too felt the same way many times in the relationship, ie Disrespected, and not understood; this was definitely a 2-way street though. I recall thinking several times "I should end it permanently" this and that, but I had gotten to the point to accept and really work with her on her issues..and she always did the same. She has many admirable qualities that I now miss alot. As far as the alcoholic rebound, I can't honestly say it hasn't crossed my mind but there are some morals and values I try to hold tight, even when feeling so desperate :-p.
Its really hardest in the mornings; to get out of bed. I'm consumed by thoughts of her and this new guy, etc etc. Thats the hardest time.

Another issue that I can not rectify is the constant feeling of never being satisfied. I seem to always want what I can not have; as evidence to how this relationship progressed. I had her, and wanted out..I did not have her and wanted her back, etc etc. Where is this coming from? I can't pinpoint if it was me feeling like I was "settling" on some of her issues or if it some sort of inability for me to fully open up and drop all guards to let someone in, but it does torment me. Who will be good enough to eliminate this feeling?

Again I'd like to thank everyone for there input and advice, this was my last option before trying to find a counciler :-p

Brandon

[cmacattack1]

"casual dating"
Care to elaborate please? One issue currently is that I feel I've in a way almost forgot how to be social, talk to people and more specifically women. I mean I'm 24! Thats unacceptable! Any advice here is more than welcome.


Another issue that I can not rectify is the constant feeling of never being satisfied. I seem to always want what I can not have; as evidence to how this relationship progressed. I had her, and wanted out..I did not have her and wanted her back, etc etc. Where is this coming from? I can't pinpoint if it was me feeling like I was "settling" on some of her issues or if it some sort of inability for me to fully open up and drop all guards to let someone in, but it does torment me. Who will be good enough to eliminate this feeling?

Again I'd like to thank everyone for there input and advice, this was my last option before trying to find a counciler :-p

Brandon

First of all, I'm not licensed to give you any advice. Just thought I would throw that out there! A councilor would be a good investment if you really are having some tough issues to hammer out. This is a cheap alternative though!

Second, casual dating: just hanging out with a woman one on one, or even in a group date, doing something, talking to them, asking them questions, listening to them and doing something that's fun, different, basically anything that isn't sitting around the house. I'm 24 too and I gotta tell you I'm absolutely terrible at this casual dating thing as well. I'm perfectly fine in a group of friends but when it's one on one with a girl, I'm a complete trainwreck. I get overly nervous, I try too hard to impress people, and it's just bad news. Some girls think it's charming and endearing somehow, but most girls (attractive ones at that) will want you to have confidence. Just be yourself as difficult as it sounds and be friendly, smile alot, and play to your strengths. Are you a stupid goofball (like me?)? Just be that. No matter what happens, you could still at least get a friend out of that, and you will still be better off then when you started. Experience is all you need and this will certainly help. Getting a girl is the easy part, getting them to stay is the hard one. Easiest way to meet new girls is to be introduced through mutual friends, so hang out with your friends alot more!

Third: Never being satisfied. I always feel that exact same way with every girl I have ever dated. It doesn't matter that they were nice girls, and it hasn't helped that every girl I have dated was better than the last. Even though my last girlfriend was probably the strongest I felt about somebody, I just couldn't let them in. They loved me and wanted to give me that love and I didn't want it. I pushed it away, I didn't feel like I deserved it, you name it, I ****ed it up. So I know how it feels to lose your girlfriend and want them back. It certainly helps to find out why you are the way you are. It took me some serious digging into my own issues through my childhood and so on to help me get a perspective on things. They are reasons, but not excuses for your actions. As long as you can recognize why you acted the way you did, and how it's the wrong way to do, it will help you with your future decisions. It doesn't help the past because that is set in stone. Your image to your ex is going to be that of a failed relationship. A fresh start with somebody new with all the experience you have will make it more likely to be successful and more ready for a more mature and serious relationship.

Losing my ex helped open my eyes to help me learn to appreciate what I have. Will my next relationship be "the one"? Maybe, maybe not. But I know what to look for and what to be happy with. Being on my own for as long as I have since my last relationship also helps me understand that I don't want to be single the rest of my life.

[Cosmo]

This is getting weird.

I'm 24 as well.

I was with both of you guys as far as not letting her in. I didn't allow myself to look elsewhere because then I would be the prick cheating and not her, I'm pretty sure of this. I was never satisfied and never, ever let her in. So we went to relationship counselling, so I DID let her in (for about 2 years). Gave her my all and we shared 'true love' and then she cheated, twice. After constantly hassling me to marry her. So guess what I'm doing to the next girl? Not letting her in that's for sure.

BTW: Ex texted me today to bring her her stuff. So I go and drop it off at her parents and she sends her new b/f over to pick it up at the exact same time I'm there and move it into their house. I guess this guy didn't like that she texted me at all and got violent. Good thing he is literally 5'4 ~120lbs. What kind of a girl dates a guy barely heavier than her who is also shorter? At first I was most hurt over this whole thing because I thought I lost the love of my life, and I felt bad that her cheating tarnished what I thought was such a good person. Now I'm realizing she is like Satan in high heels. She is a terrible person and everything she does it literally the opposite of what a sane and good person would do.

I'm still hurting, I'm afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I'm very moody because of this, but you know what? Deep down I KNOW I'll have another girlfriend that makes the rest of the male world jealous in but a short time.

I have no idea how to pick up girls anymore. I used to be the king of casual dating. Different girl every 2 weeks with almost no lapse between. All good looking, all wanted to become sexual but I just enjoyed the ego boost. I think I've always been a little asexual and just like to know I'm being lusted after. Now I'm uglier, older and a little fatter so my work is cut out for me.

[tonnywillgram]

i understand your situation. You have tried working hard to keep this relationship going but it fails. how about if you try to accept it that way and be a friend to yourself again.

[slmgringo]

cmac:
Have you now identified why you were unable to let them in? May I ask what it was??
I feel the same way..I certainly dont want to be single..but I also feel my standards are now even more strict than before, and in conjunction limiting the numbers even further. I guess it only takes 1 though...but I have to be able to drop my guard as well.

cosmo
Damn bro. that sucks. I had to see my ex out an about at this gallery opening and the new guy came up and introduced himself to me and everything. I got to tell you that was one of the hardest things to do..and not explode in rage.

I'm still hurting, I'm afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I'm very moody because of this, but you know what? Deep down I KNOW I'll have another girlfriend that makes the rest of the male world jealous in but a short time..

Yea man, I feel the hurt to still. Sucks but, I agree with these sentiments..its only a matter of time.

Brandon

[Teddy057]

I think you are all afraid of truly loving. Being in love is throwing yourself in to a relationship with someone else, [I]wanting[I] to spend the rest of your life with them, and not being afraid or even thinking about being hurt if it doesn't work out. Are you all afraid of what the possible end result is?

I don't know if you guys are actually happy with yourselves or not, but I think that also factors into you all not being able to "let someone in". Once you tame your own thoughts and conscious, the rest comes easy.

Also, do you know how to love? I've had the best role model anyone could have growing up, and that's my dad. I think a lot of this comes from your childhood, did you have a stable environment growing up? Have you seen firsthand someone devote themselves to another human being?

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, unfortunately we have so many internal issues with ourselves, it's hard to love somebody else when you don't love yourself. She loved me terribly and wanted to give that to me, but part of me was afraid she would just up and not love me anymore one day (assuming the worst case scenario and me being unable to handle that), and part of me not feeling worthy or deserving of it. I couldn't accept it and pushed her away, of course with passive aggression that just dragged her through the mud and left her so confused, hurt, and really serious negative image. I didn't mean to, I never told her that she wasn't bad, but she felt my love for her wasn't there and that I didn't care as much as she did, and she did the hard thing and left.

My last girl was probably the best girl I've ever been with all around and my standards have gone through the roof yet again too. I've had a few interests, a few opportunities with other girls, but I just don't even care to pursue it. They get an unfair comparison. My ex settled on the first guy she could find and they are happily together still eight months later. Guess I have to settle and open up sometime, and the longer I am single and on my own, the more it helps me to appreciate being with a great girl that loves me and cares about me. Every day I feel better and more strongly about opening up believe it or not. It's like "Why sit around assuming things will fail? There is always the possibility. You don't go into something like this and think the worst is going to happen." And the benefits always outweigh the downsides.

Now to only get some balls in my sack to talk to a girl that was as attractive as my ex.

[slmgringo]

Damn cmac..I was gona reply, but you summed up my sentiments exactly. My ex is now happily along with the first guy she came across. Its a hard lesson to learn. Atleast we are better prepared and aware of these emotions.

Interesting thought Teddy. I grew up with great parents who I am fortunate to still have around. I'm 24 and they have been married 26 years. I know I can always count on them. Thats what I want from the woman I choose to marry. I have been trying to analyze and find out what I'm not happy with or comfortable with about myself. Nothing solid yet, but I know its part of the process.

Brandon

[slmgringo]

Why are the mornings the hardest part??