Some thoughts...

[chrisw2000]

Hi,

I recently started dating an ex-girlfriend again. It is difficult to say exactly what happened to lead to the initial break-up, but I think primarily we got a bit ahead of ourselves and never really established a clear line of communication. Anyway…that is beside the point today.

Not long ago, I told her how I felt. Which is to say, I told her that I liked her, and would like to be with her, and felt that we could be together. I truly find her to be an amazing person; kind, caring, compassionate and beautiful, and I feel we have so much to offer each other. When I told her how I felt, it just felt right.

From there, things started out great. I was excited to be with her, thinking of her all the time, and even going so far as to make some travel plans with her.

Since then, things have gone a little downhill.

She told me that she wants to be with me, but that ‘something’ is holding her back. I’ve tried to ask what that is, and have received mixed responses:
- You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, but I am afraid if we get together, things won’t work out;
- I had a boyfriend not overly long ago, who I really liked, but he hurt me;
- I don’t feel happy with myself, so how can I be happy with you…
- I once felt like I was so strong, but now I feel weak…

As a preamble, she is from Mexico and having some trouble finding a good job here in Canada, and dealing with her permanent residency issues.

I don’t feel that she is jerking me around, but think that she is depressed, due to her situation, and also has some unresolved issues that are preventing her from letting go of some aspects of her past.

I really like this person. We have discussed this together, and I have told her what I would like in the relationship, that I want to be with her, and to help her anyway I can.

But - I find my attraction to her dwindling of late, to the point where I am starting to see other women as attractive again. Normally, when I'm really attracted to someone, she becomes my primary focus and all interest in other women subsides.

I feel I can’t neglect what I require emotionally to be in a healthy relationship, which is primarily to primarily feel ‘safe’ and comfortable in the relationship, otherwise we’ll never be able to be honest and grow together. There are times when she makes a blank face, and I know she is thinking about something else, and also times when I try to approach her physically and she pushes me away and these really make me uncomfortable.

Primarily what I am suggesting, is that I feel she needs to work some things out before we can ever be together, and that what she is going through is adding a lot of extra strain and grief to my life. I know relationships are not perfect, and require a lot of compromise and occasional problems, but it is not my job to, nor can I make her feel fundamentally happy. I can’t be the ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ who puts his won well-being in the dump in an attempt to make her feel well.

My thoughts are that, for the moment, it would be best to not rush anything, and see how things go for the next couple of weeks. I think it would be a bit premature to just jump up and leave now. But I do know that if she really is depressed, it is not something she will just snap out of tomorrow.

Any thoughts?