Help!

[Fruityfan]

Hey all
Im new to the website, bare with me with my issue i'll explain it as best I can.

Ok so ive been seeing my boy friend for around 2 years now. So far our relationship has been mainly about him. When i first met him he was in a bit of mess with his personal life which I kind of swept him away from and helped him out with. I had been single for a while and was attracted to the fact he needed me and my help, he was in a right mess in his life and was looking to be 'saved' so we both fitted each others' bill. Obvioulsy not a good start but I didnt realise how it was at the time it just swept itself along.

Now that the honeymoon excitment is long over ive been able to review the relationship for what it actually is and what it does for me. I think due to his problems at the beginning Ive never had his 100% love and attention and Ive always craved it, always worrying myself about it, getting jealous all the time when he looked at other women, worrying that he'd leave me for someone, wondering why he tells me hes completely mad about me but doesnt actually act like he is. Every weekend I would usually be insecure about something and he'd have to reassure me about it.

He is very kind and sweet natured, but he doesnt tick the main boxes that i'd like in a boyfriend, hes not romantic, passionate or funny with me (playful etc) and he lies to me about things and hides how he really feels about things to do with us, hes not an open book lets say! Its always ME making the effort, being romantic, making HIM laugh, helping him out with his problems, making him feel good, boosting his self esteem, worrying he'll leave ME.... But I want it to be the other way around! He doesnt do any of that, I ask him to all the time but it doesnt happen. I think ive figuered out what will change that and id like your opinion.....

Ive had a good think over the last few days and I believe my insecurities have made his complacency towards me worse. When Ive been jealous and worrying all that has done is confirm to him that im mad about him, he hasnt had to work for anything or make any effort because no matter what he KNOWS that I have feelings for him because how jealous and worried I get.
He doesnt have to be jealous because he knows i wont cheat on him. I used to tell him every week that I want him to be more playful, show his emotion, be passionate with me. But it just didnt ever happen. Then a week later id feel down about it again and we'd go through the routine over again. Everytime it'd boost HIS ego with me being so concerned about potentially losing him, and make ME feel worse because nothing ever changed and I still felt unloved. He TELLS me he loves me and he gets real emotional when we argue and says he hates the thought of losing me... well.... ovcourse! Hes got a girlfriend he doesnt have to make any effort with, he doesnt have to woo her, make her giggle, she'll always listen to his problems, never cheat on him, and all he has to do is sit there and make no effort! So i know its wrong and ive made it this way.

Yesterday something clicked in my head and I had enough, enough asking him to change, enough worrying why he isnt ever jealous about me or bothered if i stay out all night. I had a chat with him and explain the above, and how i think my insecurities have made him lazy in the relationship. He agreed and promised that he'd change.

I have a few problems now, I know that in order to get his attention I need to pull back from this, not be jealous about him, not be bothered about him, so I assume he will naturally about me, but i dont know if I can stick to it after all this time of our routine. Will it work?? Im confused, I want him to come up to the mark, my family have all got to know and love him and he is a very sweet man, I just need him to treat me more like a girlfriend rather than a therapist!!

[hello1]

He has all the control. What you are doing now is taking back some of that control and making it equal. I know what its like when you got most of the control, you start to take advantage. You need to be more cool now towards him and like you wrote, back off more.

[Charisma]

I agree with above post. Be more indifferent about things. More distant. Don't hang off his every word, do things for him, compliment him, or ask the questions that niggle in the back of your mind when he's been out or whatever.

It's hard to back off when you're in a desperate situation. But if he's worthy of you, it will have the desired effect.

[allsmiles]

I think your headed in the right direction. It will be hard but what I realized is that you can't change a person's core personality but you can control the situation by changing how you act or react. In turn he may change without even him realizing it. He doesn't want to fail you....he wants you to be happy.