Teenage Dating Problem. Help!

[supernovamd1204]

Hi. So here's the problem. I have a girlfriend, but technically, under her mother's rules, she's not allowed to have a girlfriend. I'm 17, she's 16. I'm going off to college in the upcoming fall, while she'll be a junior in high school. Last summer, we got involved in a relationship, and it was held in secret, until we were found out in November by her mother. She proceeded to cut off all communications between us, even though that didn't stop our friendship or our love. From December til about May, we remained friends, even though occasional flirting did happen between us. Now in June, our love has blossomed once again, and we really like each other. However, her mother is determined to stop us at all costs. The situation is, I was chatting her on Facebook, and on Facebook, she's listed as my sister. So I was joking around and said, "I love you baby. Are we in a incestuous relationship now? " Little did I know, her mother was standing behind her. Now, her mom's upset at us. Is it right for her to be involved in her daughter's choice of relationships? Her mother and her father are divorced, and that might have something to do with it. Her father was never really a father figure in her life, but the thing is, her whole family loves me except for the mother. Her father, who I've met occasionally really likes me, and her two younger brothers always have fun with me. The only suspicious person is her mother, who constantly tries to break apart our love. Last year, she claimed she broke off our relationship because she wanted Grace to focus on school. However, even though we "dated" for the first term of that year, she still maintained a straight A+ average. Yeah, that's right an A+ in all her classes. And her mother claims that I was distracting her from her school work. Now, she's complaining that she doesn't want Grace to make the same choices she did. She wants my girlfriend to find someone who will respect her, help her, sacrifice for her, someone who will always be there for her, and someone who treats her well. My case is that I do all those things for her...and more. Grace doesn't complain about me, she loves me, and I love her. Is it right for her mother to continually break us up like this? Her mom did say that once she turned 18, she would be allowed to make her own decisions, but until then, she was under her responsibility and she, as a mother, had the right to make all Grace's decisions when it came down to relationships for her. Is her mother right in this case, or is she being overprotective? Is her mother allowed to make Grace's decisions for her, disregarding the fact that we're in love? What should I do in this scenario? How do I respond? I'm leaving for college in 3 months, and I was really looking forward to spending time this summer with my best friend. Is this my fault? We both really wanna get together this summer but unfortunately, her mother won't allow it. What should we (I) do? Please help?

[vashti]

I'm sorry that you won't like what I have to say, but yes, her mother DOES have the right to interfere since your girlfriend is under 18, and is not legally responsible for herself.

Maybe you could make a bit of headway if you spoke directly to her mom to negotiate under what conditions she would allow you to see this girl. Maybe you can offer to only come and see her at HER home, when her mom is there, a couple of times a week. This will give her mom the opportunity to get to know you, and develop some trust. (That is, if you don't blow it by doing something stupid like get caught making out.)

[supernovamd1204]

Haha, the only times I do get to see her are either at church, or at her house. Where we are usually watched by her mother herself, or spied on by her youngest brother who's in 5th grade, or her other brother in 7th grade, but the 7th grade one usually tolerates us b/c he knows what it's like to have a gf and have his mother kill the relationship. But thanks for the advice.

[IndiReloaded]

There is something about you that is setting her mother off. Do you have any idea what it is?

I think you need to demonstrate to her mother that you are going out of your way to be good to this girl. Do you make an effort to be polite to her parents? Do you make the effort to visit her and take care of her? One of the tests that parents do on young ladies BFs is see how assertive/respectful you are. If you fail with her parents, they may be thinking that you won't be able to look after her around other guys or in social settings.

She is only 16. You are heading off to college. There is a HUGE gap b/t high school and college and they are only protecting their daughter. If you want to continue to see each other, the onus will be on YOU to do most of the visiting to her. Try to grow up a bit and see things more from their POV and you might see them treating you differently. Above all, do nothing to disrupt her studies, especially since she has such potential. Make sure you are using protection if you are having sex.

[Wiredbomb0]

Am I the only person thinking differently here?

I honestly don't think that parents (and in this case, her mother) should interfere with relationships of the children. It just awkward.

I can understand if the parents want their child home at like midnight if they're going out, but by the age of 16, the parents need to let go slightly, and give the child a chance at life. How are they going to adapt to the real world, if their parents are always there to hold their hand? (and god help us, if our parents chose who would date and not!)
Not to mention, invasion of privacy right there, but that's another matter...

I suppose legally, the parents have complete control (which is utter bullcrap), but she's just disrupting, not only your girlfreind's life, but yours aswell.

As for some advice, I would try and see your girlfreind as much as possible; Try and do some group activites so, as the mother sees it, it's not just you and her, and she might be open to the idea. Other then that, the only real thing you can do, is to wait.

Good luck with everything

-Wired

[vashti]

Am I the only person thinking differently here?

No, I am pretty sure all the children would agree with you.

[IndiReloaded]

Am I the only person thinking differently here?

Thinking different doesn't necessarily mean thinking smarter. In this case, your misguided opinion is due to focussing on short term gratification instead of long-term issues. Teenagers who are allowed to run amok without guidance from their parents are usually the ones that end up in trouble, not always, but often. Even at 16, this girl can still benefit from some boundaries.

You sound young. Do you have children of your own?

[supernovamd1204]

I really don't know what's setting her off, we're not having sex, we're both Christians and we want to wait til we're married. Her mother just doesn't allow her children to have relationships. Like when her 7th grade brother got caught holding hands with a girl in school, his mother freaked out and called the girl's parents, etc. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I'm respectful and polite to her mother. For instance, all Grace's friends call her mom Beth, while I'm the only I know who still calls her Mrs. Loria, b/c that's what I feel is most appropriate. And, by the way, we don't run amok. The only time we have "dates" are when I'm hanging out at her house, in full view of her mother as well as her brothers. We don't go anywhere alone. It's always like "supervised" hanging out. Her mother just hates the idea of her children being involved in relationships I guess. And it's not just me, it's like everyone. The one thing that ticks me off is that she always suggests to Grace that so and so would be such a good boyfriend for her, but then when Grace actually likes the boy and pushes the subject, her mother automatically changes her mind and crushes any hopes of a relationship. I understand and respect the whole idea of boundaries, but this seems a little too much. This makes it seem like she's not allowing her daughter to have any freedom in choosing a relationship or making the choices she needs to succeed. I would understand if her mother meant something like a curfew or how many times I hung out with her, but no. Her mother is usually the one who keeps me past MY mother's curfew.

Also, IndiReloaded, I see where you're coming from but that's just the thing! I'm always the one to visit her, I think out of all the times we've hung out, it's because I've visited her at her house. The only time I hung out w/ her that wasn't like this, was when she was with her friends, and her mom stopped by and picked me up to hang out with them. Also, I've done nothing to disrupt her studies, I've always encouraged her in her schoolwork, and even helped her study when she didn't understand some school material. Plus, it's the summer. We both have summer vacation, so how would I be able to disrupt her studies in the summer? We don't have any studies for me TO disrupt!

[girl68]

Could it be that you're gay and that typically especially religious folk will forever disagree with the notion her daugther has a girlfriend?

[supernovamd1204]

I'm definitely not gay. How about someone with a little more respect and an actual helpful answer?

[girl68]

WHAT? You said you have a girlfriend, and SHE isn't allowed to have one... Am I missing something?

[girl68]

I'm definitely not gay. How about someone with a little more respect and an actual helpful answer?

Did you read ANYTHING in those posts above mine? They look pretty helpful to me. You are only a little girl- you only want to hear what you want to hear.

[supernovamd1204]

Grace and I are going out, just without her mother's permission. Wow...did you notice that I've been thanking the people above you and asking them for more advice? If you like making so much trouble, why don't you go do it somewhere else? I appreciate everyone else who's taking their time to help me out in this situation.

[irrelevant_89]

^ Why are you flaming him? (to girl68... he doesn't seem to be just "wanting to hear what he wants to hear :/ )

Anyway, I do think your gf's mother is being seriously overprotective, of course children aren't to be left around doing all they want but not even giving you two alone time together seems downright silly.
But, as silly as it is, she is empowered to do it.

The only way out of this I see is pretty much what everyone else said - try everything to make her parents like you, and not see you as a threat. By all means do NOT try to confront them about this - you'll be forbidden to see her before you can finish talking. If it lasts until she's 18 you're good to go...

...if it lasts. It's a pretty big test for your love. Maybe that's her mother's point of view - you just might earn her respect by sticking around.

EDIT

She wants my girlfriend to find someone who will respect her, help her, sacrifice for her, someone who will always be there for her, and someone who treats her well

Key sentence right here. If you are that person, she'll eventually see it. Be patient.

[girl68]

Umm because I read the post and it said I have a gf and SHE isn't allowed. I asked if the disapproval was based on the being gay factor to which he famed me... If you made a mistake in your post maybe you should exaplin it instead of what you actaully responded.