How to stay friends?

[xzibit]

Hello forum,

Recently I've made a few forum posts about my issue and to summarize it all, was with a girl for 7 months, passionate relationship, deep love, lost our virginity to each other, and we broke up, the break up wasn't final till 3 weeks later since we were on the "i don't know if i wanna get back" stage. Well we broke up and reconnected as friends very quickly but that turned into friends with benefits and triggered some emotions, we started to act like a couple and one day (3 months into FWB) we r intimate, the next day she accepts an invitation to coffee from a guy at work that likes her.

Yeah i know, i got attached and started getting my hopes up but I'm not fighting it, I'm moving on, I'm doing rather good, last i spoke to her was 5 days ago now telling her that i need some time apart before I'm ready to reconnect as friends, she was rather surprised by this since she moved on and told me to let her know when I'm ready and that she wont contact me till I let her know that I'm ready, I don't know when ill be ready because it stings a little but i accept it that we aren't a couple and there is some other guy, and frankly it doesn't bother me, only thing that scares me is loosing her as a friend right now.

When we originally broke up we both wanted to stay friends and during our last conversation this is still true. My question is, how to reestablish a nice healthy relationship with her as a friend, i am no longer interested in a relationship with her since i realize we simply weren't compatible and we broke up for a reason, no point in getting back together but we were extremely close and i miss having her as a friend like that, much more than having her as a girlfriend.

What to do forum, the fact she is seeing someone isn't affecting me all that much anymore, I'm ok with the fact we won't be intimate again, and I'm comfortable with being around her and not do stupid stuff like begging or pleading or even suggesting anything. I just want a friendship that will last.

What can i do, should i continue the no contact, should i text her every few days saying hello/how are you, but nothing private till I'm ready to meet her in person and reestablish our friendship?

Background: I'm 22 Male, shes 20 Female, both lost virginity to each other, both want to stay friends, Both are in the same group of friends (that's how we met)

[Teddy057]

I don't know man, it honestly depends on the connection you two shared. I was way too close with my ex to ever just be "friends" with her, it would be way too painful. We'll see in a couple years how I feel about that, though. As for you, if you 100% know it won't hurt to see her with another man, and can just be friends, then by all means go for it. Just listen to your gut, it always leads you in the right direction with these sort of things.

[lahnnabell]

Are you going to be able to stomach seeing her happy with another guy? If not, you can't be friends.

[xxazurexx]

I'm wondering why you stress 'we lost our virginity' together. It's not a reason to have to be friends and if you don't want to be.

The very fact you are in these forums asking what you should do, tells me that you are indeed not over this breakup but are fooling yourself. If you were totally and 100% ok with this breakup, you wouldn't need ask the advice of others what you should do...you would just go ahead and be her friend and if you truly felt comfortable with it.

[Unhappy]

I was in a similar situation to you, Me and my ex broke up and automatically tried to be friends and same thing happened to us, we were still intimate as though nothing ever changed apart from the fact my ex had a new love interest over the internet which cut me up as we still held each other and at times kissed....
I let our "friendship" carry on for 5 months and i wish i never did, i'm now no contact from her and i feel better for not knowing what she is up to with this other guy....
If you truly do just want a friendship then i'd just do things slowly and go out with her in public places such as the cinema and see how things go on....but like the person above me says you are asking in these forums tells me too that maybe you are not entirely ready for a friendship with her, i did the same on forums, posted that i had no feelings for my ex but was kidding myself when i saw her again.

Whatever you decide to do i wish you luck.

[xzibit]

Well yes, I'm not entirely ready to be friends again, the whole thing happen rather recently, but I am ok with her seeing other people, Lets face it, we weren't compatible, she moved on, and I'm working on Dating again myself, i don't hurt from not being with her, but from the fear of not being friends, we were friends before we dated and i want to settle with that. I have no wish or hope for future relationship with this person, and while it might be a little awkward at first, I'm going to do my best.

No matter how righteous or foolish this sounds, i wish her new boyfriend will really make her happy, I don't want either of us being miserable. I honestly would like to meet him and make friends as well. Call me weird, Honestly it would be much more comfortable to keep her around as a friend than just forget about her or ignore her (since she is friends with all my friends), life is life, we move on, but shouldn't forget or ignore who and what shaped us. I don't regret a thing between us other than the fighting and FWB, if FWB wouldn't have happen, we would be friends a while ago. I say I'm going to give the No Contact thing a one more week, and see how i feel about it, if need be ill take an extra week off.

Question:
Do you think its a good idea to drop a short text message saying "hey, how are you?" but nothing more besides that, no "hows ur boyfriend/love life" or crap like "just checking up on you". just a small chit chat so she knows im not cutting her out of my life.
Ideas?

[xxazurexx]

^If it's something that you feel you want to do or would like to do, then go for it. Just a simple, 'hey, was just thinking about you, how's things with you' or something along those lines.
I wouldn't ask about her bf or her lovelife and in a first text and because she may view that as your quizzing if she is still with him.

[Teddy057]

In a way, it sounds like you're trying too hard. Maybe you care about being friends a hell of a lot more than she does?

Yes, it's important to not forget who or what shaped us, but, there is a reason why they aren't in your life anymore. The only acceptable reason for being friends with an ex is if children are involved.

You were together for 7 months, those feelings aren't going to vanish in a week of no contact. I dated my ex for a year and some odd weeks, it's been 3 months of NC, and the feelings are just now starting to fade away. Don't rush things, and don't let your heart fool you. I think you just want to be "friends" again so you can be around her and talk/ text like you used to. Don't set yourself up to me hurt.

[xzibit]

I agree and yes you are right.

I want to stay friends because we were friends prior and we could talk about anything and i miss that part of us, being able to talk, not the relationship. All true i need to work up to that and keep her in my head as a friend and nothing more. And i know for a fact she wants to stay friends as well and she was rather surprised when i said i need some time apart be4 we can reconnect, i mentioned that i would text her every now and then to see how is she doing and what not, she responded saying that if i need some time apart than i should let her know when I'm ready to start talking again.

I think I'm going to send here a short TXT message mondayish which would be the first week of no contact and 10 days of not seeing each other at all. And once I'm comfortable with meeting her to rebuild friendship (friendship only,I'im back in the dating scene) ill let her know and see how things go.

[xzibit]

^If it's something that you feel you want to do or would like to do, then go for it. Just a simple, 'hey, was just thinking about you, how's things with you' or something along those lines.
I wouldn't ask about her bf or her lovelife and in a first text and because she may view that as your quizzing if she is still with him.

hehe, thanx a lot. I don't wanna quiz her about her BF or lovelife, we are done as a couple and I'm looking forward to having her as a friend, I'm also excited in a way to go and meet new people, see where things go. For the time being, small text every few days, maybe a week, once ready to talk again, meet up and see if its still awkward, Main focus for me now: Repaint my room, change my surrounding, Fix the rust on my Car, And feel good about myself, Once all that is done i should be very comfortable about myself and all I've changed. Thank you kindly

[cmacattack1]

We all say we want to be friends, it sounds great, and we never really want to lose them for good. However, it's not a very good idea. See what happened the first time you tried to be friends? It snowballed back into a miserable situation and now you felt like you have broken up twice. You have to really think about yourself in this and be truly honest with yourself if you think that you HAVE to be friends with her, because it's better than nothing at all. If you wish you were back together then, settling for friends is shortchanging yourself.

You can still be happy for her and wish her the very best, and not be friends with her. Do just that, and keep clear and stay out of her life. This will help your own progress better, because while you maybe riding a high now, you will hit a low later. And you can't use her to make you feel better. See where you are down the road, but it's too soon right now either way.