How do you stop 'hoping'?

[bart]

Hi guys, it's been 2 months since my break up with my ex and since I began no contact. I'm at the point where I don't cry about him anymore, and can get through my days without having to constantly be occupied..but I do still think of him, at least once a day.

The thing I'm having the most trouble with is losing the feeling of 'hope'. I keep tricking myself into thinking, "He's my soulmate, we'll get back together in the future," and similar thoughts. But he's with a new girl, and he was within 3 weeks of our split..so he can't really be my soulmate, right? Cause he didn't care if he moved on that fast.

But, 'hope' is my main problem right now. He was the first boyfriend I had that I really could be myself with, and I think I'm relating that to being my soulmate. But we broke up, and there were reasons for it, so I guess he's not the one.

I'm just looking for advice on how to stop thinking that he's my soulmate/true love/"one" and get over him fully. I'm doing much better than the first month, and really have NO desire to contact him anymore, which is good. But I still struggle daily with these hopeful thoughts, so does anyone have any advice on how to stop this?

Not sure if this will help at all, but we were an LDR, he's 22, I'm 19, and we dated for 10 months, but talked for 13 months.

Thank you.

[cmacattack1]

A few weeks is no time at all, I doubt he was over you then. He will be eventually though, and there really isn't much you can do about it.

It takes a healthy dose of reality to help quell those thoughts of you guys getting back together. Telling yourself he's the only one for you isn't very logical, because how can he be the only person for you on a planet of 8 billion people?

The relationship wasn't one that you were incredibly happy with, but you didn't want to give him up either out of fear of being alone. He made many mistakes and could do better. He wasn't the perfect boyfriend.

Logically, if you two were back together now, it wouldn't work out anyway. You both would need to become different people to have a chance of working out, but if one or the both of you were the same person as before, it would have the same result: break up. It takes some serious time to really grow and change from an experience and that's if the experience actually changed him. He was already chasing after another girl, which I doubt gave him proper time to analyze the situation and to start putting the necessary changes into every day life before his next relationship. It just wouldn't work.

Until you meet that next person, you will always be looking back at him. But you will meet somebody else and you will realize that you don't need him in your life to be happy. This experience has actually put you in the position of benefit. You have learned so much from your time with him. You have grown, matured, and have a better understanding of who you are, what you want, and what to tolerate/not tolerate in your partner. You are able to love more as you have a better understanding of what love is and how it feels, so you can love with greater passion. Everything will be okay, all you can do is concentrate more on living life without him instead of hoping he'll spring up and swoop you off your feet and say how much he loves you and how sorry he is.

Somebody else shouldn't be the key to your happiness, but it should be something that enhances your life. Finding happiness on your own first is essential to truly appreciate what the other person has to offer. And when you aren't out looking for it, how funny is that it comes and finds you?

[pinkinterlude]

I read this and I felt like I was reading my post back. My ex didn't move on that quick but he is now with someone else. It's a horrible feeling isn't it?!We stopped talking two months ago too but we broke up in January. So its the past two months that I've been trying to make a clean break. Someone in my post replied that guys usually move on quicker than girls, and cmacattack1 also commented some helpful words (have a quick look at what they both said if you like)

You'll get there though, I must say the thing that stopped me hoping was the fact he moved on so quickly (there was a whole complicated ex issue) but it made me realise that he is just someone who doesn't like to be alone. And that made me see him in a different light. I still think about him all the time and I am nowhere near over him but I have stopped hoping for a reconcilaition, and there will be something that will cause you to stop hoping too if it isn't meant to be. I thought my ex was my soul mate too. I've realised that I used to only think about the good things about him and thought I'd never find anyone else as good as him, who I could be myself with, who I'd click with like I did with him. Try thinking about the things you didn't like about him. make a list and read it when you think like this. And don't look at his facebook/twitter etc etc cos it really doesn't help. I learnt the hard way, that's how I know he has someone else now. It's my own fault for looking and I've made myself feel even worse, especially was I was doing so well beforehand. I'm so annoyed at myself.

you seem to be doing well though, I know its hard but you'll get there. Try to think about you. It's normal to hope for things to work out, you're just going through the motions, it'll pass in time. At least thats what I'm telling myself anyway. hope you're okay.

[Disillusioned]

I feel the most important thing after a breakup is keeping or rebuilding your self-esteem. If you have self-esteem everything is easier. Don't mistake self-esteem for arrogant self-importance or over-assertiveness. A lot of people try to use the emotional trauma of a breakup to do a 180 and proceed to pretend a lot and live in denial until it bites them later on or they rub their freinds the wrong way with their high and mighty attitude. Go back to the beginning, before you were together and try to remember things that made you happy. Persue that and see how you feel about those same things now. KEEP A NOTEPAD AND PAPER ON YOU AT ALL TIMES. Whenever you find a way to express how you feel write it down so you don't forget it. Once you gather a couple pages you'll hhave illustrated to yourself how you feel and will be better able to relate it to others with less misunderstanding. Even if it's a lot of sappy "still have hope" stuff, by writing it down you get it out of your head a little more. You can be more critical of certain thoughts and rationalization can catch up with emotion in time. Keep an open mind about the soulmate thing. There are lots of people who are compatible but they don't always work at it. Be careful when you're growing, beginnings are the most delicate of times.

[Teddy057]

As soon as you grasp the reality of life being NOT fair, everything else kinda falls in place. Don't expect to magically stop thinking about your ex, it's been 3 months of NC for me and I still think about her at least a couple times a day, we dated for a year and some odd weeks though. Like Disillusioned said, rebuild your self-esteem. Don't think that just because you weren't good enough for this guy means that no one will ever want you, trust me, there is someone perfect out there for everyone... Ya just gotta find them. What's really helped me is focusing on things that made me happy before I was in the relationship, go back to living your life that way.

"I'm just looking for advice on how to stop thinking that he's my soulmate/true love/"one" and get over him fully. I'm doing much better than the first month, and really have NO desire to contact him anymore, which is good. But I still struggle daily with these hopeful thoughts, so does anyone have any advice on how to stop this?"

-Being in a healthy/Amazing relationship takes TWO people, not just one overly hopeful person. If he didn't want to work on the relationship anymore, obviously you can't be happy either. One of my favorite quotes about break ups is, "If They Are Dumb Enough to leave You Be Smart Enough to let Them Go." That quote kinda opened my eyes, I was the boyfriend who would have given my life on any day for my significant other and was there with her through thick and thin... If she/he didn't want that anymore, you gotta respect that and move on. Life doesn't stop for anyone, before you know it, weeks, months, and years will have gone by. Do yourself a favor, don't live in the past. You will always have those memories and experience. Just take this as a learning experience, it's all you can do. Just know that you are never alone, and some guy 10x better than him could be waiting around the corner just waiting to meet you.

[Shy Guy]

Believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

[Cloud206]

Believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

o m g - he is perfectly right

[bart]

haha, its a direct quote from marilyn monroe.