She wants the single life? What shall I do?

[cfdp]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible (as to not bore)

Dating a girl for 3 years now (known eachother since high school), we both (she brought it on) decided to get married, so I proposed, and everything was amazing. We bought a house together and were very happy.

About 3 months ago she decided she wants to postpone the wedding, which I was fine with (what's the rush right). And she wanted to start doing our own thing more instead of hang out 24/7, which is awesome b/c it's obviously good to have our own things we do.. Basically she felt like she was growing up too fast and wanted to slow down. No problem.

fyi: Before we were together, we were both in 5 yr long relationship, so neither of us really had a single life..

For the last 3 months she has been much more distant (ie not wanting to hang out as much, less loving, less sexual, ect). And finally a couple days ago she said she feels bad putting me thru this and wants to be on a break. I asked her if she's interested in seeing other guys, and she said no. She just needs alone time (going out with friends and to bars).

So I have been sitting around kinda wondering what she's doing, and trying to get feedback from her if she still wants to stay together (any hope for our relationship), or if she's going to be exploring new options...

So my question is: Do I hang around in hope our us being together (I would love to stay with her as I love her very much), or do I move on assuming she is no longer in love with me and wants to go explore the world..

Thanks everyone for your advice in advance!

[lahnnabell]

Anytime someone wants a break and is going to bars with their friends, they're looking for male attention. Sorry, but this is so true. I am in a relationship and I do it now. My friends and I go out and I have fun talking with guys that think I'm sexy. They never get my number, and they are never allowed to touch me.

She sounds very young, and so she's probably still at that stage where she's not ready for the romance to be replaced by the hardwork that involves marriage and real commitment. 3 years is admirable, but she still flaked on marriage. And she wants to run around as a single girl at bars. Unless you weren't allowing her to go out to bars with her girlfriends, there is no reason she can't do so WHILE being your girlfriend. UNLESS she wants to scope out other males. She lied to you because she knew it would crush you and upset you. And she's young and assumes that you're stupid enough to believe her.

[cfdp]

Thanks for your reply. I figured the same thing. Why can't we still be together while she goes out with her girlfriends, if she's not looking into other guys? Makes sense either she interested in a hook up, or just wants the "single" status so she doesn't feel bad while she flirts.
Either way I think I must move on..

[cfdp]

One other thing I should point out is she wants me to "just want for her", whatever that means. So I guess I hang out, staring at the wall,... This makes me think she truly does want to stay together, but at the same time, it seems she wants the best of both worlds,.. Go try out other guys, and if she realizes I'm the best for her, I'm sitting at home ready to take her back? Hmmm, I don't know about the one..

[lahnnabell]

It seems that people have this mechanism that screws with us when we settle into a relationship. We spend so much time catering to our partner that we forget about our individual needs. We ALL love to feel desired. When a relationship goes on for so long, we get comfortable and we take things for granted. Instead of understanding that it is human nature to become comfortable with routine, we indulge our insecurities by fearing the worst. We assume that we've become out of date, undesirable, expired. This is not true, but it takes people time to understand this. Real confidence comes from within, not because some guy at the bar wants to get with you. She'll figure it out eventually, or never.

But yes, you should move on. Look for a more mature girl that's got her head on straight. And you spent 3 months watching her change her behavior. Next time don't wait so long to initiate a conversation. You rode it out hoping things would change, but if you'd made more of an effort to figure out what might've been going on with her, you could've possibly worked on the issue together. Now it seems like she's done, so let her be done. I guarantee you have seen the last of her yet though. If she doesn't have much success in her quest for male attention, you'll be hearing from her.

[cfdp]

That makes sense by far. I think my maturity level, or whatever it may be, leads me to stick with one person, love them, pamper them, etc. etc. Whereas I believe she has become either bored of me, or scared to just settle down.I think your 100% right on this.

I will say I did try and talk to her about her change of feelings, but all I got out of her way "I don't know why I feel this way", so I didn't really know what to do expect try and keep things going (ie. I planned some little vacations, try to go out to nice dinners, etc.). I guess maybe I was sorta scared if I bugged her TOO much she would get annoyed and end it there. But maybe like you said, I didn't act quick enough? I don't really want to think that though.

So I will go on my own way, although we will prob. be living together for a while, as we can only afford our house together, which will suck, and maybe she will come crying back to me, at that point being my decision to take her back (if I'm not hitched with someone else by then). She seems to get bored of stuff quickly, so who knows.

lahnnabell, I really appriciate your advice! So kind of you

[cfdp]

Within 3 years, we went from living with her parents, and being able to doing basically whatever we want (paid no rent, had tons of money), to buying a house, getting married, she started her career... Now that we own a house and were getting married, money became tighter, so we wouldn't go out as much, but still did things for sure.. So I think it may be sooo many fun exiting things, to, again, her becoming bored/scared to grow up..
BTW I am 24, she is 25.

[lahnnabell]

You are still living together? That is going to screw up your life. You are no longer together which means that assets like a house need to be dealt with (part of growing up is learning how to do that shit). Ignoring the issue and telling yourself that it's the only way is a method of avoidance and it's immature. So, what happens if/when she drunkenly drags some new guy home? You made the decision to buy the house at a time when you two were not officially committed (married) to one another. Now you have to deal with the resulting problem.

And honestly, I would NEVER date a guy seriously that was still living with his ex. No f*cking way. Too much baggage, too much drama.

[cfdp]

Yes still live together. lol we WERE planning to get married, and we bought the house first prob. b/c of the home buyer credit. Now were in a bind.
Legally both our names are on the deed, so we both have the right to live there, but like your saying, I know it will obviously not work out.
So I must move out or she must, it is possible for just me to live there by myself, I just won't have any money for food,... But I'll make it work somehow.. (ie 2nd job), try to sell the house... etc..

Thanks again.

[lahnnabell]

Well, first sit down and list out your options like you just started doing. It's her house too, so you'll probably have to sit down together and figure out what you want to do. First though, come up with a list on your own, and ask her to make her own list of options. This will keep your conversation organized and on topic. You DO NOT want to the conversation to enter into relationship territory. Hashing that out is over. She made her decision. If she's thinking that holding onto the house is her way of securing a position in your life, then that is even more of a reason to get out of there fast.

Next time, you buy the house AFTER you get married.

[cfdp]

Iv'e already figured out the bills, now it's the furniture and item things, she will be good about everything I think, especially since she's the one who's doing this..

Yeup. She wants for us to both live there I think, and just be roomates. Again, it's a win-win for her. Have somewhere to crash, and her ex-boyfriend waiting for her when she decides shes ready.. Not gonna happen.

[lahnnabell]

Good for you Good luck!

[cfdp]

Life sux right now as I'm obviously heartbroken, but I'm strong enough to move on... Thanks for all your advice! I noticed your like a goddess on here! lol Should start taking donations or something.

[lahnnabell]

Holy crap, a goddess? Why didn't anyone tell me? I could certainly use the money...

I know you're heartbroken, but you'll find another girl. The best thing I've noticed about myself and my relationships is that they get successively better every time.

[the ice man]

If your exam question like that, has the self-question question?