How do I get out of this vicious cycle?

[soulsurvivor23]

Ok basically I wrote the entire post that I was gonna make and then my computer auto restarted and I lost the whole thing which took me a good half hour to write. So you guys will be getting a super short version...

Part 1.. I liked 2 girls last year.. and both liked me. One was gorgeous and not so great personality and the other had average looks and really nice personality. I of course being who I was (and maybe still am in a sense) chose girl #1. She represented more of a risk to her because I knew a lot less about her. Girl #2 I had gone on a few dates with, had fun, gotten somewhat intimate, and she had told me she really likes me and has strong feelings for me. So to let her down I chickened out and sent her an e-mail. She tried to call me about it and text message me but I didn't respond (wrong I know)...

So basically come to find out that girl #1 had a problem with a bf, a bf she didn't tell me about by the way, and that basically at the time she met me they were "on a break" but still together. She didn't tell the dude about me nor did she tell me about the dude.. until she got caught basically. So somehow even after that she managed to drag me back in. It was a very rocky relationship the two of us had, the passion was explosive but so was everything else. Many arguments all drawing back to the fact she had a long distance bf that she wasn't willing to let go for me. So all along I wondered if I made the wrong choice and that if girl #2 would've been something special and worthwhile. Eventually I told girl #1 that i'm done being her backup #2 guy and that you choose me and me only or i'm gone. And she pretty much let me walk.. (and of course called me a few weeks later after another problem with the bf).. But anyways even though I still have feelings for her I don't want to be with her.

So I decided to e-mail girl #2 tell her exactly what happened, apologize and ask for her to come back in my life. There was no response for about 3 weeks until one night I got a call from her. I answered and she told me what she went through, and what I had put her through. She said it hurt a lot but that she forgives me and is ready to move forward as long as I don't do it again. I agreed. We met up, went on some more dates, got somewhat intimate again (although a lot less than before), and it was all good again... on the outside. On the inside I quickly realized that I don't love her. She was a great girl and I had fun with her but there really was no spark, no passion, at least not on my end. But I was lonely and I still wanted her around for that reason and to help me get over girl #1. I started saying some of the things that girl #1 said to me, without even thinking about it. Without thinking of the pain those things put me through and how I said I would never inflict that pain on anyone else. I realize that what girl #1's bf had put her through, she then in turn went and put me through it. Perhaps unintentionally... And that what she then had transferred onto me, I put another girl through it. Again unintentionally. So my question is, how in the world do I break out of this vicious cycle? I feel horrible right now.

[IncognitoSir]

This "vicious" cycle you speak of....is continued by reckless, "vicious", irresponsible and selfish people. (That includes you) How do you stop this cycle you ask? Simple, stop and take a good look at yourself and the actions and consequences of your actions. Girl #2 suffered because YOU were lonely and hurt, so you just used her to cope. You desire that which is NO GOOD for you (girl #1). You have to take responsibility for your actions. You passed on girl #2 for Girl #1 and then you go running back to #1 when it doesnt work out? how selfish is that. You need to work on making yourself happy instead depending on the happiness within relationships.These are the problems you need to correct to break this cycle.

[soulsurvivor23]

I agree and I deserve that.

[cmacattack1]

Maybe you've had my problem of having girls come on to you and really like you early on from the get go and it seems great on paper but you just don't really care? I've felt that way with about every girl I've dated. For as long as I can remember, I've dated girls that really liked me off the bat and yet no matter how far along we've come, how strongly their feelings grew for me, I just never felt the same way. Maybe we want what we can't have? We don't learn to appreciate what's right in front of us? We don't know what we are looking for (other than a pretty girl clearly)?

I think all we can do is take our knowledge about relationships and apply them to the future. So you are early on in a relationship and you just don't feel it. Normally, I think you and me would both go with the flow and as their interest increased, our interest would decrease. Probably the mature, responsible thing to do would to be honest from the get go and not beat around the bush to feed our ego. It might take us being brutally honest a bit, but I think it's important to remind the girl that their self importance isn't based on our opinion and what we want.

As for going back to the other girl out of fear and loneliness and for some comfort to build us back up based solely on our own self interest...you know it's wrong. Don't do it again.

[soulsurvivor23]

Yeah. With the second girl she really liked me off the bat like you said and in a sense that's what attracted me to her. It's probably strange to say but it was kind of a turn on that this girl was instantly attracted to me and that I didn't have to work for her. The first girl represented the "girl I couldn't have." She was the girl every other guy wanted including me but the interesting thing is that I typically don't go for that type of girl. The thing with this one is that oddly she kind of latched onto me after I gave her a bit of attention and it gave me supreme confidence in myself. There were guys who tried so hard for this girl for months and didn't get anywhere, and it took me a matter of weeks. She actually asked a friend of mine to get my number and called me, and she tried really hard to get my attention. Now, this type of thing doesn't happen to me everyday. A hot girl pursuing me as a partner was like the thrill of my life and I could never understand why because I didn't do anything out of the ordinary other than to be myself. When I was "with" her, I felt really good about me for a change. Then she tells me about the bf months later and it just crashed my world. It was like I thought I had gotten this gorgeous girl just by being myself but really at the time she was just using me. So that was kind of a turning point in my life. Calling back the other girl wasn't out of fear of being single (hell, i've only had 2 serious gf's in my entire life, one if you don't include this one), but rather I had initially decided after lashing out at girls who did nothing to me that I wasn't fit to be dating right now. So I took some time to myself, months in fact. I was feeling good and feeling ready, but I was severely lacking self confidence and still trying to get over what had happened before. I had a few unsuccessful tries with girls when I got back out there on the field and I was just feeling lonely and maybe even a little desperate for some female contact. So, for selfish reasons I called the other girl back up and hoped that maybe something would spark between us. But then I realized that I didn't really have that spark with her, I was attracted to her because she wanted me..

[Mizu]

Wow >_< messed up story, something similar happened to me but im not gonna go into it, the best thing to do is cut your losses and leave, let them live their lifes and play no part in it anymore. Just cut all contact with both of them and move on.. Girl#1 is hot but lacks maturity, personality and realistic thinking, she thinks she can have you and a distant relationship? thats never going to work. Girl#2 if she likes you but you dont like her, you're just setting her up for a heartbreak and plummet in self esteem. Dont be selfish and just let them go. ^^'

[goodb2]

Simular thing happened to me 2, i agree we want what we cant have even if it isnt rational or wont work in the long run, we are blinded by their beauty as if they were sirens. Key is to learn from it and stop being as shallow.
I think the main issue you need to address in your story is passing on the hurt girl#1 put on you onto new dates i.e. girl#2. You need to address this nd deal with your issues before moving on to anybody else.

[cmacattack1]

Is it just me, or do the really good looking girls try to skate by on their looks or had to never really work for something and end up being a bit behind in the emotional maturity department?

You are right though, part of what girl number two appeals to us about is how they like us so much. It is intriguing to us. It's like "Who? Me? Really?" and it's a huge confidence booster. Boosting us to the point of possibly thinking we can get anybody out there and kind of lose interest of what we already have and don't need to try for anymore....maybe?

Too many theories, but like I said I think it's important to know what we want and what we are looking for, so we can recognize a good girl and settle down with her. That is if you want to do that. I know I do (after having somebody I would be willing to settle down with).

[soulsurvivor23]

That's where I disagree. Well not really a disagreement but rather where it's different for me. This girl is a big confidence booster but she doesn't make me feel like I can get anybody. The first girl represented a much bigger confidence boost for me because she was a girl everyone wanted and I had her. The second girl was more of a build back up my confidence kind of thing. With this girl, I knew from the beginning (the first time) that I didn't really love her, still don't. There's no major flaws with this girl, she's a really nice girl but it's just that i feel zero spark when i'm with her. I guess as has been said I do take somewhat of a shallow approach which I need to stop doing.

[lahnnabell]

Most young guys think this way for a long time. It usually takes some serious heartbreak for them to realize that they've been acting like fools. cmac realized this, and he's grown up a lot in a short amount of time.

It's important to prioritize, in my opinion. Sure, you want someone attractive, but surely that's not all you want. It is possible to find someone you are physically attracted to and share that "spark" with. But you have to refuse to settle. It's okay to not know what you want, but it's NOT okay to string someone along while you figure it out. That's just unfair and selfish.

However, girls also have a tendency to become too emotionally available too fast. It's important to give you guys a run for your money. A lot of girls don't have the confidence for this type of chase. We worry that some other easy chick is gonna come along and steal you away, so we drop everything and run to you when you come calling. What we fail to realize is that this tendency to worship is very unattractive. Maybe at first it's nice, but over time it gets tiresome and boring. Guys want a girl that knows she's the shit, a woman that isn't defined by her relationship with men. Guys like to be wanted, not needed.

[Cbrider]

Everything said is pretty much spot on I think, but its much simpler than you think.

You're caught up in the chase, consciously or sub-consciously, you are. It's a gauge of just how far you can bend something before it breaks. The best way to break the cycle is to get dropped on your ass, hard, by someone you care about or feel deeply for. Once you get dropped like that, you tap into your natural compassion for other's feelings. No physical pain or injury can scar like emotional pain. The body can heal and adapt, the mind imprints and never forgets.