Need Advice. Not Sure What To Do Now

[Robbie]

I just found this web-site this morning. I hope I can get some advice. Maybe I just need a listening ear.

About six months ago, I met a beautiful woman who, at the time, was working at a store near my house. I had an instant and overwhelming attraction to her, something I've never experienced (I'm 47). It took me a couple of weeks to work up the courage to ask her out, but when I did, she declined, saying that she was dating someone. I continued to go into the store on a daily basis, and we began talking a little. I finally told her of my attraction, gave her my number and asked her to call me if her situation ever changed. She said she would.

I began showering her with attention. I sent her flowers at work a few times and I brought her lunch occasionally. One night she called me and we talked for a couple of hours. Since then we've talked on the phone almost every night. I went into her store every day, but 2 months ago she took another job at a place where I can't see her. We have been reduced to phone conversations. She won't go out with me, she considers that cheating on her boyfriend, although we have met for coffee twice. She has told me from the beginning that her boyfriend is a jerk, he'll never move the relationship forward and she knows she couldn't marry him even if he did propose, which she say's will never happen. She says she would never even be able to live with him. They have broken up 10 times during the 3 years they've been dating. She always goes back to him. She say's that she knows they will eventually break it off for good, but says she has to wait for him to do something really bad, to give her the incentive and courage to end it. I believe that she's being absolutely honest with me.

She calls me almost every weeknight. Weekends she doesn't, I assume she spends most of the time with her B/F. For a long time she wouldn't give me her phone number...she was afraid that I would call when he was there. However, she gave me her home# and cell# a couple of months ago. She tells me that she really enjoys talking to me, and that she has told me things that she hasn't told many other people. I think she would fall hard for me if she gave herself the chance.

Sunday night we had an argument about the situation. I told her that she was making me work too hard at keeping our "thing" going. She told me that maybe it was time to end it, that she needed to sort out her feelings. I basically told her "Ok, I hope things work out the way you want them to. Good luck". We haven't talked since. My reaction is way different than in the past. I've always been Mr. Nice Guy. This time I was a little angry. Once, about 3 months ago, she told me that she wasn't going to contact me anymore, and she was calling again after 3 days.

I realize now that I've been too pushy and too needy. I've been there for her whenever she's felt bad and needed to talk. I think I've enabled her to stay with her boyfriend, since I've been there for her emotional support when he isn't. From reading some stuff on these types of situations, I think I need to be unavailable for a while and work on my self-confidence so when I contact her later, I'll be a little more attractive.

How long should I wait and let her experience life without me? I'm thinking about 6 weeks. Any other advice for me?

[Mr.Jones]

6 weeks or i'd even think maybe a little longer, it sounds like you got everything under control. It does sound from what you have written that she is relying on you for emotional support thats forsure. Hopefully she dumps the jerk and you can move in and sweep her off her feet. Good luck!

[Jenrick285]

I think even longer than that.
From what I gather :
- She has a boyfriend that she is not happy with, but despite that fact she still goes back to him when they broke up.
- She talks to you and shares things about herself that she doesn't share with a lot of people.
- She doesn't talk to you on the weekends presumably since she is with her boyfriend.

I do agree in that you are stepping in where her current relationship is lacking.
If you do want to pursue her, then I would definitely make myself a bit more unavailable, and make yourself a challenge.

But kept this in mind, what if you were the bf in this situation?

Just a thought and good luck =)

[Robbie]

Thanks to you both.

I've told Catherine (her name) that if she was married or engaged or even living with her BF, I would not be pursuing her. She has told me pretty much the same thing...if she felt like she was in a "committed" relationship, she would not be giving me the time of day.

The fact that I am trying to take her away from another guy has bothered me a lot. But I also feel that you have to take what life offers you. This woman came into my life, and something deep inside tells me it wasn't just an accident or a coincidence. I feel like something bigger that the both of us has brought us together. Is that just starry-eyed, romantic nonsense? Maybe. I believe in fighting for what you want, and I want her very much. I've never felt so smitten in my life. I've told her many times that if she wanted me to end my pursuit, all she had to do was ask and I would in a heartbeat. She never has, and I think she encourages me to an extent. At the same time, she doesn't want to feel like she's cheating on her B/F. Is she mixed up and confused? You bet, and she admits that. But, is she worth the time she needs to sort things out...even though there's a good chance we will never be together? Well, I'm completely hooked on her. It's a tough decision...which is why I'm here. Friends and family have told me that until she has a ring on her finger, she's fair game. I tend to agree with that. If I were the B/F, if I had the opportunity to make her mine, I would in a second and leave nothing to chance.

How would I feel if I were in the B/F's shoes? Well, this HAS happened to me. My wife of 11 years was cheating on me for a while before we separated. I vowed that I would not do that to another man. HOWEVER, Catherine's B/F is not her husband, her fiance’ or even her live-in lover. He has not proposed, and according to her, will never marry her or even commit to a long-term relationship. Yes, 3 years is a long time, but obviously Catherine wants something more and knows that she’s not going to get it from her B/F. She wants to be married. Not necessarily to him, but, she says, to a man who she can come home to, who will support her and who will take care of her. She is old school, as am I.

I know that I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in fairy-tales and happy endings. I have felt from the beginning that there was something drawing me to her. Something made me believe that this was the right thing to do...to pursue her in the face of adversity. My God, don't fairy-tales like this come true sometimes? If not, what are we left to believe in? If it's so wrong, and not meant to be, why does it feel so right to me?

I know I have plenty of time to make a decision, and I'm trying not to make this a life or death situation. I just have a deep-down feeling that we could be really happy together, and I don't want this to slip through my fingers.