its been a year

[initforthelong]

ok so its been a year since me and my ex broke up and i still havent been able to move on. every-time i think i am sweet i find out something new about her or see something i dont wanna see, most recently for example her new guy friend is over all the time, going to family functions ect basically filling my spot lol. We still talk and she says its not her bf but hes just helping her cope with everything. She still cries on occasion when i see her and breaks down and wants to just hug me, i think thats the worst part about it is that i know she still loves me and we openly say it to each other every now and then.

I broke the trust we had for 4 years, thats why we broke up. But i have done all i can to mend it. What are some harsh moves i can make to move past her?

Because short of finding someone who makes me forget about her (which would be so hard) i cant see any light at the end of the tunnel. Everytime i meet someone i constantly compare, and its driving me crazy trying to fit this template.

I know sometimes trust can never be mended and there may be nothing but time to heal. But its ruining my everyday. I have hobbies and i work full time so i have plenty of things to keep my mind off it but it doesn't help.

Has anyone done anything thats helped them? or can you offer any advice for my situation?


thanks

[vashti]

I don't think you'll be able to move on unless you cut all contact with the girl.

[initforthelong]

ive tried this but we have the same friends, so its impossible to escape it totally

[Charisma]

are you even trying?

If you broke the trust, didn't you realise this would happen? Wait, this isn't about what you did, it's about what you should do now. Sorry.

Well, the fact is that this is a big lesson for you. I seriously doubt she'd get back with you, even if she still loves you and cares about you. In fact, for someone who has *had their trust broken*, she's doing the exact opposite of what she needs to do to get over you. She shouldn't be crying around you. She shouldn't be hugging you-or wanting to hug you. She shouldn't be saying she loves you either. She's kidding herself on if she's telling you that this guy isn't her bf and he's there to help her cope and stuff. Why is she even explaining herself to you anyways? It's none of your business who she sees or has round her place anymore. And she definitely shouldn't be telling you that she needs help *coping*. But enough about her.

It's gonna take longer than *average* to get over a 4 year relationship. And it's gonna keep taking longer the more you hang around her, because she's showing that she's still sad, still misses you, and still loves you. Urgh, if she keeps *revealing* all this to you, she should get back with you, or quit her blooming emotional stuff if she's not gonna get back with you. What is the point in dragging out all this crying and hugging and *I love yous* anyways if yous aren't together?!?!?! Ok, so you have the same friends. Make new friends. That doesn't mean dump the ones you have. But you need to be able to spend time not seeing her, not hearing this new stuff about her, and being able to flirt and have fun. You're not gonna do that with her in the same place looking depressed. In fact, you're even in the state of mind that it's better to hang around her and still have feelings for her than to start afresh with a new girl in a new relationship!! No wonder you're going crazy! Don't you miss the sex?!?!?!

Also, even tho I feel angry at how your ex gf is reacting(pretty obvious huh?), you had a great girl but there's other great girls out there. But comparing them to your ex gf, and trying to get them to *fit this template* is NOT going to work. People don't transform into what you want them to be, or who someone else was. Take a moment to consider that. And also, you messed up with her and you need to look at why you did that. What difference would it make? It should give you some closure on it all. She will never trust you, and for women that often means that everything they feel is tainted by *what-ifs*. Doesn't matter if she loved you or still loves you. Things have changed.

p.s. quit hugging her and telling her you love her. It's pointless, and it's not doing either of yous any good.

[iHEARTu]

Then just cut her off from your mind. Stop comparing her to every other girl. Everyone is individual and unique and dont deserve to be compared. You should love people for who they are- not because they're better than your ex.

I think thats whats holding you back. The fact that you keep comparing her to other girls. Which means shes essentially on your mind a lot. Get her out of there. Get a hobby, go out with your friends and tell them you just want to forget about her and move on and ask them not to invite her. also tell them to stop telling you things about her. The more you know the more you'll get depressed about it. Forget about it. Past is past. You can't change it. You're living in the present now, and because you're living in the present you should try to make your future better. So maybe concentrate on your job (or getting a job if you dont have one). Try to forget about her. It doesnt sound like you're actually trying. Maybe actually cry. A huge burst of emotions may be good for calming you down in this matter...

or you could possibly move away and break some contact with her and your friends....

good luck.

[vashti]

I agree with Charisma that you need to find some new friends to hang out with. Your continuous contact with her is just rubbing salt into your wounds.

[Teddy057]

You need to either cut all contact, or try and start fresh this your ex. If she's not interested in starting fresh due to her trust being broken, then what's the point in being miserable the rest of your life?

If you decide you must go the no contact route, do yourself a favor and not check her facebook or anything like that. It'll just cause you pain, I stopped checking my ex's after a few weeks and I haven't been on it going on 3 months.

If you keep living this way, you will just be consumed by this old love and be unable to ever start fresh with someone else. Oh, and stop comparing, just be thankful when you do get another woman.

[DonkeyKong]

ive tried this but we have the same friends, so its impossible to escape it totally

It's not impossible. Difficult, yes, but not impossible. I was in a similar situation with a girl I dated for over five years and broke up with six months ago. I thought the friends situation would make it impossible for me to not have her in my life, but eventually you'll find that your friends understand the situation and will accommodate. My ex and I are still "friendly acquaintances," and still share many of the same friends, but we rarely see each other because our friends understand that that's the way we want it. You're never going to completely escape from occasionally hearing things about her or maybe seeing her every once in a while. But you need to stop acting like lovers (hugging and crying and saying I love you) and start acting like what you are - old friends who have grown apart over time but are still friendly toward each other.

[TheTooya]

Stop talking with her. I had a friend in your boat, and the ONLY damn way he could move on was to go cold turkey and stop talking.

I don't care about what excuses that you have, you can stop talking and really should. My friend, he basically couldn't date for a year and a half. He would maybe go on a date or two, but backed away, telling me "I don't know.... if my ex told me she would take me back, I would ditch this girl in a heartbeat." He had to delete her aim name, remove her cell phone number, and tell her, "I can't keep on talking with you, I need to move on."

It was not easy, but after a few months, he actually got happier. Is he with someone now? No... but is he still obsessing about the same girl? Not at all :p

Quit making excuses and cut contact mate, its the only sure fire way...