Am I shallow...?

[saraisROCKIN]

A few days ago, I met someone online through a dating site. I had initially joined for the lols, and talked to a few verry attractive people who definitely grinded my gears... but their personality was lacking 120%. I found an interesting profile of a young male, my age, with blue and black hair, beautiful haunting eyes and lips.

We live in the same town, and are very close in neighborhoods. I've talked to him on the phone quite a lot, and I've found myself very attached to him. He's like comfort food, minus me eating him. Everything about him was attractive... his appearance, his ethnicity (puertorican portuguese, as I am portuguese as well), his career (stand up comedy), and just his general interests and humor that blended perfectly with my own. I'm almost convinced he's perfect for me.

On his dating website profile, it had said he had "a few extra pounds." Now, seeing the picture that I saw, I figured he was probably a little insecure about not having a 6 pack or something and put that he was a lil chubby. A week after meeting and talking to him, and falling hopelessly in love, I finally saw an updated picture.

He is the same person but he has obviously gained quite a bit of weight. He still has those beautiful eyes, but his lips are a little more pursed because of the weight gain on his face, and he's a bit wide on the face also. This was very hard for me to see. I've been attracted to bigger boys before, but not like this. His older persona fit my exact, perfect description of (physical) perfection in my eyes. I reacted normally and said he was a cutie pie, because I really did not want to offend or hurt him...

I was assuming that, similar to my other past boyfriends, he was an adorable skinny/lanky boy who had a huge weakness for BBW girls like me. This is such a turn on it's unbelievable. But dating a guy who is bigger than me (in the less attractive husky way) isn't exactly a huge turn on...

My best friend is a little upset at me for caring so much about his size. She says it shouldn't matter. I still want to take it slow and see if it even works out between us when we start hanging out in person. Perhaps my beautiful infatuation in my head with his older looks and his amazing personality will turn out to be a total illusion. Maybe it will work out perfectly and we will both lose weight together.. who knows.

I just don't know how to deal with this properly. I've found myself uneasy talking to him now (though he only sent the picture this morning), and I feel horrible about it.. I'm HUGE on sex and the physical aspects of a relationship so this is unfortunately very important to me. Any thoughts?

I would show pictures but i would never invade his privacy like that... physical appearance is so important to me, and I realize that comes off bad but I don't know. He used to be so hot, so perfect, lanky and skinny and had the most beautiful frame... and now he's just lardish.. completely let himself go. sigh.

[SirWagginston]

Actually, "hypocritical" was the first word that came to mind.

[saraisROCKIN]

Actually, "hypocritical" was the first word that came to mind.

See, the first thing people assume is something along those lines. Just because I'm BBW means I have to settle for a larger man as well. I'm attracted to tall lanky men, and most of them are attracted to me as well, and that's just the way it goes for me. Hypocritical perhaps, but it's just how I am.

[leoben]

I would just move on and try to find someone more to your liking physically. I know you feel bad about this, but dating a guy you're just not attracted to with the hope of getting him to lose weight will just cause resentment and not turn out well for anybody.

[xxazurexx]

Well firstly, I think we can form strong attachments with people online, but I don't think a week is long enough to know and if you are in love with someone. You don't know each other and to say that you are 'in love'. If you were in love with this guy, you could have and would have overlooked these extra pounds. The fact he'd gained some extra weight would not have mattered to you. It appears that you were more 'in lust' with his picture, rather than in love with him.

It kinda reminds me of my online situation. I'd met a guy and he had loads of face pics, but no full length ones. From his pics, his shoulders looked quite broad so I'd figured he was a well built kinda guy, but he didn't look fat. Anyway I'd chatted to him for 8 months and he told me that he had gained a little extra weight. When we met, he was a little larger than I'd thought and he was shorter by a few inches, lol... Didn't put me off him though and because over the 8 months we'd chatted, I'd grown to genuinely and really like this guy as a person. It was 'him' I'd grown to love...not his looks. Heck, if he'd shown up with a hump on his back I doubt it would have mattered to me....lol

So as to why, I think you were simply in lust with his looks. Had you chatted over months, it is something you may have overlooked and because you'd have known the guy a lot better and emotional attachments may have formed. Emotional attachments are much harder to break away from.

[roy_delene]

yes you are shallow

[saraisROCKIN]

Well firstly, I think we can form strong attachments with people online, but I don't think a week is long enough to know and if you are in love with someone. You don't know each other and to say that you are 'in love'. If you were in love with this guy, you could have and would have overlooked these extra pounds. The fact he'd gained some extra weight would not have mattered to you. It appears that you were more 'in lust' with his picture, rather than in love with him.

Wow, thanks for actually being pretty helpful (that's not sarcasm by the way). Yeah I kind of agree, big mistake on my part to not get to know him even better beforehand. I have a horrible habit of moving too fast and I can already tell this isn't going to end well... What can you do when you've already dug the hole, though? I'll figure it out in time I suppose. Again thank you.