Just found out my GF has slept with a lot of guys...

[jwer]

By and large, though, it helped me just to have a conversation with you all about this. Gave me a chance to explore my feelings better than if I were handling this alone.

[jwer]

Back again with an update. It's been a month now and this is not getting easier. I still can't stop thinking about how my GF has slept with 10 guys. The more I think about it the more I look at her like a total slut... and I can't help it. Other guys came in her mouth, on her boobs, and inside her.

I mentioned in my first post that I had only slept with one girl before my current GF; while this is true, the sex was a 5 minute 'demo' with no orgasm on either side, so on the most part I considered myself a virgin before I met my current GF. Before sex with my current GF, I assumed SHE was a virgin (we hadn't discussed history at all, and yes, I know all about how assumptions make asses of U and me). Finding about the 10 other guys in detail AFTER the fact made me feel (and I know this isn't rational) like she had sex with them while we were together. I feel HURT EVERYDAY about this. I really do NOT want to break up with this girl; I was completely serious when I said that I wanted to marry her. But the fact remains that this is a major source of anxiety and pain for me. What the hell do I do?

If you are thinking about responding with any of the following, please don't bother:
"Dude, you never should have asked her about her sexual past"
"Break up with her. It's over"
"Dude, just get over it"

While I do want to get over it, I'm looking for more specific advice than that. I need mental trick or exercise, some idea for a trip to take on my own, a recommendation for a good therapist, or something else substantial. The fact is that I'm in this situation and I can't unhear what I have heard about my girl and I can't break up with her so that I can go sleep with other girls just so I can feel better about myself. I'm with her and I want to stay with her but I need to kill this mind-f**k before it makes me insane.

Please help.

Some other info about us you might find useful:
We live together and neither of us have many friends left in this town (most of them just graduated and moved away) so we spend a LOT of time together. I know I need guy friends so I can spend time away from her but I just don't have them yet. She thinks she has an ugly body. I think I'm a totally spineless pussy. Yes, I have low self-esteem.

[girl68]

WTF SHOULD we say? If YOU can't change YOUR thoughts we certainly can't.

A Trick? Stop thinking about it and when you do think about something else like how awesome she is. It IS THAT simple- if you commit to it.

Oh yeah go to conselling figure out how to raise your self esteem. What you're doing is thinking you're not good enough for her and she continues to compare her past lovers to you.

[jwer]

Thanks for the reply but I just realized I need a guy's perspective on this. Please understand that I CANNOT HELP THINKING ABOUT IT. I've TRIED changing the mental subject and I DO but it KEEPS COMING BACK.

[girl68]

Then you are not trying hard enough. Note: I don't think you trust her. I say that because if you did you wouldn't be worrying about what she might be thinking, wondering or fantasizing.

[jwer]

You're right that I don't trust her. Since this incident I've begun questioning her interest in me (I know, it totally isn't fair). I feel like a loser a lot of the time and I think that she likes me because I'm kind to her, albeit a loser (I do nice things for her all the time, like snuggling, flowers, surprise massages, cooking, dishes, but I don't earn enough money to support her, so she has to work. Actually, she earns more than I do at a simpler job.). I don't think she finds me manly and I don't think she is taken aback by my ruggedness... though how do I know for sure? She has male friends who are--in my eyes--more manly and less frivolous than I and that really bugs me. She's let men do things to her that I haven't done to her yet... AND THAT ABSOLUTELY ENRAGES ME.

What I mean is that despite her saying so, I don't think she likes me for the reasons I want her to like me. I need to be valued for the bigger things I do, not for the smaller things. Again, she says she values me but I just don't believe her.

How do I fix that?

[girl68]

Alas... the real issue.

If she isn't showing her love for you the way you want her to you must tell her! These are called love languages (silly book- but good). What you want is to be loved, and in a different way than what she is providing. She gives you verbal affirmation, but you want something else. It is up to YOU to tell her what you want and what you need. And don't you dare say something like "I wish you weren't such a slut" you cannot change the past so get over that.

Your issues are yours only yours. You are terribly insecure and you should (as am I) go to counseling- immediately. I have come a long way and have a very long way to go.

Your issue is not that she's been around it's the fact that you're so insecure with yourself you need to question her. Really you should be focusing on why you think you're such a big pile of wasted man.

[jwer]

Thanks for that. I've never pursued counseling of any kind so I don't know where to go. Money is an issue too. Where do you go for counseling?

Good book recommendation. I'll check that out too.

[jwer]

Also, how do I tell her that I want her to love me for different reasons? That doesn't sound like an easy conversation to start.

[girl68]

Thanks for that. I've never pursued counseling of any kind so I don't know where to go. Money is an issue too. Where do you go for counseling?

Good book recommendation. I'll check that out too.

It isn't cheap- my work has counseling as part of benefits... chances are if you have benefits either through your job or if you're still covered through your parents it's worth looking into. To do this you mustn't think counseling is a sign of weakness if you do-0 forget it you'll never be able to be confident about getting help. IMO I have done it with the idea if you think I'm weak EFF you, I'm strong enough to admit I cannot help myself and need the help of a pro- you call that weak? I call it strong and honest.

I suggest- you look for people who are doing their practicum as a counselor... they are cheaper. Unless you're in Vancouver where I go doesn't really matter.

As for your conversation: well you'll have to have a honest talk- it's NEVER easy. And I didn't tell you to ask her to love you for different REASONS. I told you to ask her to express her love for you a different WAY. You cannot ask her to love you for a different reason you are not allowed to dictate that she loves you because she has her own reasons if they are not good enough YOU LEAVE. If you loved her because she has big breasts second to that a nice ass and she wants to be loved because she's a great person she cannot say Honey, please don't love my boobs and ass, love me for my heart... see how stupid that sounds? Exactly- that's how stupid you'll sound.

To book is called:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

I'm reading this now.

The languages are:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

[doppelgaenger]

The best way to get over this is to sleep with a lot of girls.

[jwer]

The best way to get over this is to sleep with a lot of girls.

Well, it's been about 6 weeks now and while aspects of my problem have changed, the problem is still there. Since my last post I've decided to stop holding all of this negativity inside and chose to speak to a counselor about it.. I found a counselor very near to my home whom I can see weekly at no cost (due to my lingering school health insurance). I've also had real conversations about it with my best friend, my dad, my mom, my sister, my boss, and lastly, my girlfriend. The different view points have come to make me realize a few things.

For one, this problem is MY problem. My girl did nothing wrong. I made a giant mistake at the beginning of our relationship by assuming she was a virgin WITHOUT asking her specifically. I have had arguments with my gf about this and said some things to make her feel really bad. I've since apologized and vowed never to use this against her again, and realized that the solution is NOT in changing the past or in making her feel like shit, but in moving forward and making changes.

Two, I realize I've always placed a high moral value to the act of sex and to the ideal of purity, and despite my one little 'preview' of sex I continued to hold sex on a lofty pedestal at the beginning of this relationship. All fault aside, it hurt me a great deal when I found out what I found out. My counselor said that it was as if (in my mind) she had broken an unspoken contract and that I was having to pay for it. All fault aside, I still feel great sadness (for having lost something valuable) and great anger (at myself for causing this whole fiasco through a stupid assumption).

Third, I've realized lately (with help from my counselor) that I feel very jealous over the experiences my girlfriend has had in her life (this goes beyond sex). This jealousy stems from a deep regret I feel for being such a recluse during my high school and early college years.. I missed out on life-enriching opportunities like dating, prom, school clubs, a normal social life, studying abroad in europe, and traveling with friends (all of the above are things my girlfriend has done, and good for her), because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and avoiding potentially awkward situations. I realize that I can overcome these feelings of regret (and jealousy) by building new experiences over time. I can still go to europe and travel with friends and do tons of social stuff because I am still young and full of life! HOWEVER, I cannot go and have a variety of new sexual encounters as long as I am in a committed relationship...

Now, I realize that something needs to change. I've tried changing my thoughts and my emotions surrounding this subject using all kinds of thought exercises, meditation, thinking about the bigger picture, realizing that the past cannot change, etc. However, nothing has worked for long; the core emotional reaction comes back in full force every day. That leaves two other things I could possibly change: 1) I could change the past by going back to the very beginning of our relationship and asking my gf about her sexual history OR by going back and re-living my high school and early college years (obviously time travel is NOT possible). 2) I could change my views on sex and take sexual purity OFF of the lofty pedestal I've had it on for so long (possible, but NOT easy). Obviously, choice 2 is my only real option.

Here's what I want to do to change my view on sex: I want to have sex with a lot of girls. This will take sex off of the pedestal, changing it in my mind from a deep emotional act to a mere physical act. It will also do away with at least one of the painful comparisons I make (I've had a lot less sex than she has, meaning she's enjoyed more sex than I have) and allow me to feel fresh and free to resume my relationship with my gf in a more prepared state.

How do I have a conversation with my girlfriend about this? How do I explain my case? Will my desire to put our relationship on hold so that I can screw other girls hurt her to the point that she will never get back with me? What should I say to her?

[xxazurexx]

Are you for real? or just a bit touched in the head? If you were a partner of mine, I'd tell you to go and f**k right off!!!

The difference in your situations is, is that she slept with these other guys and ********BEFORE********* she was ever involved with you.

You are wanting to sleep with other girls and DURING your involvement with her. Then you expect to go back and after plunging your dick in all and sundry..

You are a mental case me thinks.

[Gigabitch]

Sex is both an emotional act and a purely physical one, depending on what you bring to it and expect from it. Boning a bunch of girls won't change this.

"Purity" should have more to do with your soul than your body. Get that straight.

[girl68]

That will never work. If you want out to sleep around you lose her forever.

You should say you're growing and learning and through this you've realized you *need* these experiences as part of your life. That doesn't mean you don't love her it means you've got to take care of yourself.