Should I worry over guys female best friend?

[sarahmartin1971]

I"m 38 recently divorced and just started dating again. I met this 43 yr. old guy about 2 months ago at my gym and we have been dating about 4 weeks. We have a lot in common but theres one "issue" thats bothering me. His "best friend" is a single 33 yr old female. He spends the same amount of time with her(even overnight trips) as he does me yet I have never met her. All three of us enjoy the same outdoor activities but not once has he invited me to join him and his "friend" or had her join us. Hes also "funny" with his cell phone there are some calls he gets that when he sees the # and won't answer and I have to wonder if its his "friend". Not once has he talked to her on the phone in front of me and I find that hard to believe shes never called when I was with him. I asked why he never dated her as they spend so much time together and seem to have a lot in common. His response was they decided to stay just friends. He said with her being young she did not want the baggage that comes from dating a divorce man(kids/exwife). I want to believe him but something just sounds fishy. What do you guys think?

[vashti]

Yes, it's fishy. Of COURSE it is.

Also, I didn't like his answer about why they didn't date. It kind of implies he WOULD have, had she been willing.

I bet he's hot for her. He's probably angling to get in her pants.

[Natlee]

I think i would be curious about this too, something does not sound right about it. Sounds like he is hiding something.

[xxazurexx]

He's tried to date her, but she turned him down obviously..

He's still hanging around her and because he still has a thing for her.

I'd ditch him

[aliolioron]

you have been dating about 4 weeks
this is along time so you have to ask him i guess he is hiding something

[lahnnabell]

You've been dating him for 4 weeks. Are you exclusive? As in, have you had a conversation where you both decided to be exclusive with one another? You haven't called him your boyfriend so I'm guessing you're not there yet. If not, then I'm pretty sure he's keeping this chick around to see if he can score something (or pathetically hoping she'll come around and want to date him).

Until you two have a talk of exclusivity, he most likely still believes anyone is fair game. Any guy that plans on getting serious with one woman will begin to put all other prospects on hold. Last year, my boyfriend and I spent the first month seeing each other, but didn't declare any sort of commitment. Technically, he and I could have dated anyone we wanted, but we didn't want to. We wanted each other, and so we made the decision to become exclusive.

I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend had a friend he was secretive about. My guy has several female friends, almost all of which I've been introduced to in some way. Regardless of what happens though, I am priority. If he fails to give you such priority, then he isn't very serious about you. You should probably start pulling back. If he questions you for pulling away, give it to him straight. Tell him that you're not comfortable with his secretive friendship with this other woman, and that until he can open up more, you're putting things on hold.

[Gigabitch]

At his age, he should have already learned the lesson that having friends of the opposite sex is always complicated by sex. One of them always wants it. The idea that these two are platonic friends is pure horseshit.

[Neuro]

Sounds to me like he is dating you both - he may be telling the other girl that you are his best friend... If she was his friend, his behavior would show that. It is very simple.

[sarahmartin1971]

Well being we have only been dating for less than 4 weeks I felt it was to early to push for being exclusive. But I did ask him 2 or 3 times if he was dating this "friend" and he told me no. I also asked if he was sleeping with anyone else and he also told me no. Is he lying...maybe but what more can I do?

What I don't get is hes known her for 2 years and me only 2 months so why if shes the one he wants AND getting sex from her why go after me??

[vashti]

She turned him down, and they aren't dating. He just wants to be.

[sarahmartin1971]

She turned him down, and they aren't dating. He just wants to be.

Is it "normal" to go away for 3 nights alone with a single friend of the opposite sex?? Would this bother you?

Or the fact we have known each other for 2 months and not once did he ask me to join him and his female friend in ANY of their outdoor activities. Activities this guy known I enjoy too.

Not once has he said to me he wants me to meet his friend I have even hinted about joining them and he still never invited me

[lahnnabell]

His shady behavior about this friend doesn't look good. Bottom line. He's being shady. He hides his phone calls from you and has made no indication that you are ever going to meet this other woman. You clearly don't trust him based on his behavior, and I think you should probably call his bluff and break it off. If he gets all upset, just tell him straight up that you're tired of competing with his "friend". If he can't open up to you, then you can't continue this charade. Plain and simple. Stop complicating it by trying to figure him out. He's untrustworthy and that's more than enough reason to avoid this guy.

On another note, please take a look at why you're putting yourself through unnecessary stress over a guy you've barely known more than a month. This is most likely a slight rebound phase thanks to your recent divorce. It's best that you spend more time focusing on learning how to live independently again instead of relying on someone else to be your source of love and affection.

[xxazurexx]

I think regardless of how long you have been seeing him, you are obviously a 'one man woman' looking for something with a 'one woman man' and there is nothing wrong in that.

Hell, I wouldn't want a guy I was seeing to be gallavanting off with another woman either, spending nights with her/having sex with her maybe and thinking he can come back to me when it suits him. That is like allowing a guy to have his cake and eat it and if this was me in this situation he'd have a choice to make...me or her. I'd view it that if he liked me that much, he wouldn't be feeling a need to spend time with another woman, he'd want to focus on me. Why do I want to spend any further time on a guy who doesn't want to focus on me? And if he wanted to see other women besides me, then I'd call it off. If I'm not his 'priority, then I won't be his option' either.

These kinds of situations can be so easily avoided and if you set your standards from the very start. If it's 'serious' you are looking for, TELL HIM! Let him know what is acceptable and what is not and don't be scared to scare him off!! If he runs, then he wasn't the type of guy for you anyway and you avoid wasting any further time on someone who isn't looking for the same, but who likes a supply of women. These kind of guys should own a harem....

[Kaius]

He is spending time with her, and maybe sleeping with her. He also wants to spend time with you and sleep with you.
He tells her what he tells you. No one is pushing exclusivity. Lucky guy.

[IndiReloaded]

They 'decided' to stay just friends? This means they actually discussed it. So yes, there is something going on between them or his answer would have been different. More along the lines of 'don't worry, we are just old friends nothing more'. At this point, don't even think of challenging him on it though. You haven't been seeing this guy long enough and you won't be able to compete with her, friend or otherwise. He probably gets advice about his GFs from her at this point.

The only way to win this battle is to be patient. If he realizes he cares about you over time he will naturally draw back from this other woman. But be careful. Some guys get hung up on 'unavailable' women this way for a long time. It might be more effort than you are willing to expend. If you find out he is sleeping with her, tho, you should cut and run.