My boyfriend's best friend

[abbytaylor209]

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now and he's wonderful. We rarely, rarely fight and always have a good time together. However his best friend is someone I can never seem to get my mind off of. We hang out with his friends and their girlfriends often, and I see his best friend on a regular basis, and ever since I've met him I've realized I love everything about him. I know it's terrible to love his best friend, but is there a way I could eventually tell his best friend I love him? Or is this something I should just forget about and move on from? Thanks in advance for any replies!

[Natlee]

Do you really want to hurt your boyfriend by telling his best friend you love him?

[lahnnabell]

What are you looking for? For him to return your feelings? Are you not that happy with your boyfriend? Bored?

You'd be accomplishing nothing but your own selfish need if you confessed your love to his friend. If he truly respected his friendship with your boyfriend, he'd do nothing with it. So, what is the point of pursuing this fantasy?

I suggest you take an honest look at your relationship with your BOYFRIEND and determine if staying with him any longer will bring more pain than happiness. If you can't let go of his friend, it'll only cause you to begin to resent your boyfriend. You'll both be unhappy.

[abbytaylor209]

I'm not a bad person, I've never cheated on a boyfriend, and I truly love my boyfriend and I would never want to hurt him. I'm not looking to break off our relationship and go running away with his friend. The only thing I'm curious about is if his best friend feels the same way about me. I would just like to know is all, really. I just don't know if confessing this will be a huge mistake, that's my dilemma here. I wish more than anything I didn't have these feelings for his friend, but every time I try to forget about him I'll just end up seeing him again soon because he is my boyfriend's best friend.

[VincenzoG91]

Follow your heart. Break up with your boyfriend and chase his friend. Then date other guys. Date enough guys to satisfy your curiosity about who is out there, so that when you meet the right guy, you will finally be ready to make a commitment.

[lahnnabell]

What happens if you tell his friend that you love him, and it gets back to your boyfriend? Your boyfriend's friend's allegiance is to him, not you.

[abbytaylor209]

I don't want to "chase" his friend. My boyfriend is great, I'm not looking to become a serial dater.

[Fene]

If you're not interested in chasing his best friend why do you want to know if he feels the same about you? What happens if he actually does feel the same way?

It's probably a question best left unanswered.

[lahnnabell]

Then why do you need to satisfy this curiosity? What is it going to give you? Satisfaction? Are you that dissatisfied with yourself that you NEED to know how this guy feels? I'd be absolutely devastated if I found out my boyfriend was hopelessly in love with another, especially my best friend of all people.

To top it off, what sort of indication has this guy given to you that he feels the same. You never mentioned that he flirts, returns your gaze, or goes out of his way for you. That's not the sign of a guy in love.

Let's say it gets back to your boyfriend (always plan for worst case scenario). There is no way you'd be able to explain it away. No way.

[Mister Wizard]

I believe that people will have feelings for others no matter what kind of relationship they're in. Even if you're in a committed relationship, you'll find someone you connect with and have feelings for them. But does that mean you pursue them? From what I've read, there's no real reason to pursue or find out if the best friend has any interest in you. Just finding out will cause drama, and complication. What if the best friend does love you and his friendship be damned? Would you really want to ruin a good thing?

You're also happy in your relationship (so you say), so why does it matter if this other guy has interest in you? Why can't you just stay and love your boyfriend and just casually think about this other guy and leave it alone? You can't prevent yourself from having interest in other people. But you can determine what you do about it. You'll cause more problems finding out in the end, and cause a rift in an otherwise picture perfect relationship with your boyfriend.

[abbytaylor209]

I believe that people will have feelings for others no matter what kind of relationship they're in. Even if you're in a committed relationship, you'll find someone you connect with and have feelings for them. But does that mean you pursue them? From what I've read, there's no real reason to pursue or find out if the best friend has any interest in you. Just finding out will cause drama, and complication. What if the best friend does love you and his friendship be damned? Would you really want to ruin a good thing?

You're also happy in your relationship (so you say), so why does it matter if this other guy has interest in you? Why can't you just stay and love your boyfriend and just casually think about this other guy and leave it alone? You can't prevent yourself from having interest in other people. But you can determine what you do about it. You'll cause more problems finding out in the end, and cause a rift in an otherwise picture perfect relationship with your boyfriend.

I definitely agree with you. I am happy with my boyfriend, and I realize I probably am attracted to his friend because him and my boyfriend are so similar (they've been friends since 6th grade, we're 22 now). I'm not sure why I need to know so badly if his friend feels the same, I guess in my mind I feel like it would give me closure in some way, and I could stop wondering after all this time. I probably just sound crazy now! hah

[VincenzoG91]

You used the word "love" in the initial post when describing your feelings for the friend. Twice. Either you don't understand what the word means, or you should break up with your boyfriend.

[abbytaylor209]

Then why do you need to satisfy this curiosity? What is it going to give you? Satisfaction? Are you that dissatisfied with yourself that you NEED to know how this guy feels? I'd be absolutely devastated if I found out my boyfriend was hopelessly in love with another, especially my best friend of all people.

To top it off, what sort of indication has this guy given to you that he feels the same. You never mentioned that he flirts, returns your gaze, or goes out of his way for you. That's not the sign of a guy in love.

Let's say it gets back to your boyfriend (always plan for worst case scenario). There is no way you'd be able to explain it away. No way.

I'm not dissatisfied with myself at all! I believe I have such a burning desire to know because I feel like it would give me some sort of closure. That if I knew how he felt I could get over these feelings. I'm sure that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and maybe it's totally wrong of me to think that.

His friend most definitely does, and always has been different towards me than other girls that hang out within our circle of friends. I've even had some of my girlfriends tell me they believe he's attracted to me. I DO catch him staring, and he certainly finds unnecessary reasons to talk to me. He always seems to leave something at my apartment (sunglasses, his phone, etc.) only to call me the next day to ask if he can come over to get it, and stays talking to me for quite awhile. I know I'm not seeing things, none of my boyfriend's other close friends do any of this.

[abbytaylor209]

You used the word "love" in the initial post when describing your feelings for the friend. Twice. Either you don't understand what the word means, or you should break up with your boyfriend.

I just came on here looking for advice. I knew I'd get some criticism, and negative responses. Believe me I've been through my fair share of heartbreaks and good times with guys throughout my life, I certainly am old enough to know what love is. I understand my feelings towards his friend are a fantasy- and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years without ever acting on this fantasy. If I didn't love my boyfriend and couldn't stand the thought of not being with his friend, I would have certainly left him by now. I know I must sound terrible for saying I love his friend, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that him and my boyfriend are so similar.

[Neuro]

You want to confess your love to him out of curiosity to see if he loves you, too?? You should just ask him then... But you don't confess you love someone just to see if they feel the same, especially if your curiosity is threatening to not only damange your current relationship, and potentially kink the friendship your boyfriend has with his best friend.

If you're unsure about how you're feeling for your boyfriend, explore that, rather than confessing something just to check if it is mutual.. It doesn't make much sense.

So what would be the next step? What would you do if he feels the same for you? What would you do if he doesn't?

Either way, you'll have to have answers for both scenarios in order to figure out if it is worth pursuing. But that is only AFTER you figure out what is missing in the relationship that you have with your boyfriend and that is subsequently allowing you to fall in love with another dude at the same time. There is no such thing as loving (intimately) two people at the same time. So get to the bottom of it before you do anything ... not well thought out. : )