He says I'm the best thing that could happened in his life & breaks-up with me...

[Krimble]

I'm new and I think this is the best place for me to ask for your advices.. It's a little long, I'm sorry but I need to talk.. Here's what happened..

I'm 27 by the way..
About 3 months ago, I met a guy and chemistry was there right away.. We started talking and I found out he was exactly what I was looking for in a man.

He's 29 but had been with this woman for 8 years, in an unhealthy relationship where the girl was just using him, treating him very badly emotionally. She was really mean to him for all those years, he almost died of an accident and she never even cried and took care of him. 2 weeks after he left her, we started going out..

We went on for 3 months, his family were saying they had never seen him that happy..

He was telling me he was the luckiest man on heart, that he loved me, that nobody never treated him like I did, that he was gonna make me the happiest woman on earth.. We both wanted the exact same thing of a relationship. Everyone was telling him and myself, how well we fitted together.. How happy we looked, etc.

We lived an hour away so he was staying pretty much always at my place, everything was perfect, never argued once. So we decided to move all his stuff to my place even if he stills had his own. Then a week after, he wakes up and tells me that He "really like me, adores me, that he knows I'm the best thing that ever happened to his life, that nobody would ever treat him like I did, but he doesn't love me."

I was shocked. I helped him packed, we were both crying and he left that same day.. He wanted to call to keep checking how I was and I told him no, that I loved him and that he would just hurt me more if he did that..

I'm totally heartbroken... and I can't understand.. I won't call him as he said he didn't love me and I have my pride.. but it's so hard..

Why would he have done that? I never pressured him, he could have told me if had doubts or wanted to go slower..

Would he go back to that woman who made him miserable during 8 years when he knows he can have something better?!

I hope someone can help me clarify this situation...

[Natlee]

If he did not love you then that is something you can't make someone feel. Although he should now have moved things in to then take it all away, he should have been more certain making a step like that. He sees you as something good and has changed his life from the he had before relationship before, but can't be with you if he is not in love with you. I wish you could both work it out because it sounds like you were so happy.

[xxazurexx]

Appears to have all been rushed IMO and before you had got to know one another properly.

What we want and what feels and seems right in the 'first flush' of love period, isn't what we might want and further along into the relationship. How many times have we thought about a partner 'I could spend the rest of my life with you'. Only to be thankful and a few months later that we didn't marry this person and because our feelings had changed?

Which is why people should spend the early months getting to know one another, rather than to act on impulse or 'lust' feelings, move in together, play house and plan the future...or even worse, get married.

These things are best not rushed....even if it does feel right at the time.

If it's meant to be, it will be...it doesn't have to be rushed.

[xxazurexx]

Would he go back to that woman who made him miserable during 8 years when he knows he can have something better?!

It's unfair, but if he loved her, then yes he'd go back to her and rather than remain with you and have the better life.

People tend to let the heart rule the head and they act on 'feelings'.

But she isn't an issue and because you don't know if he's gone back to her. He may have no intention of returning to her.

[Linus]

Your situation very closely mirrors mine. I'm 28. I started dating a girl who was 26 and who had just gotten out of a 6 1/2 year relationship only a couple months before we started dating. She told me that "You love me the way I've always wanted to be loved," and "I'm starting to feel something for you that I've never felt for anyone else." And then after almost 6 months together, she broke up with me. Told me that she knew that she loved her last 2 boyfriends, but with me, she was never sure.

Here's the thing of it: I've been her in a relationship before. So I understand all too well exactly how she feels. When you're too recently out of a long-term relationship and you start seeing someone else within too short of a time, it is impossible for you to become emotionally invested in that person. You still haven't let go of your ex. And even though this new person you're seeing might be absolutely wonderful, beautiful, and treats you the way you've always wanted someone else to treat you in a relationship, if you can't love them (and you can't because your ex hasn't vacated your heart yet) none of that matters. It absolutely sucks. And I have no doubt that he wishes that he could love you like he did his ex (a sentiment mine repeatedly expressed to me while she was dumping me). But he can't. He just wasn't ready to move on.

So understand this: it really has nothing to do with you. It wouldn't have mattered who he saw after his ex. He wouldn't have been able to love someone else either. I know you're hurting, just as I do. It's the worst feeling to watch something that felt so great and had such potential not work because the other person just isn't ready to love again yet. Just accept that it's over (I know that's not easy, I'm still trying too).

There will no doubt be times where your ex finds himself looking back at your relationship with sadness and regret at having lost someone so good for him. This regret will come from his mind, because he knows a good thing passed him by. But regret will not, however, come from his heart, because there was never any room for you there to begin with. It sucks. I hope for your sake (as well as mine) that one day, when he's let go of his ex, that you guys will find yourselves in a place where you can try it again, and that it will work. But more than likely, when that time comes, someone will have moved on, and it might be you.

Did I already mention that the whole situation sucks? : )

Best wishes and support for all my heartbreak battle buddies. Hang in there and look out for yourselves!

[Gigabitch]

You were just a rebound to him. Don't let that happen to yourself again. Guys on the rebound are nut jobs, most of the time.

[Linus]

Let's be fair, Gigabitch: Everyone on the rebound is a nut job. But yeah, Giga has the right of it: you were just a rebound. Never date someone just out of a serious relationship. Even a year is not always enough time, nevermind just a few weeks.

[Gigabitch]

Let's be fair, Gigabitch: Everyone on the rebound is a nut job.

Don't even get me started about women on the rebound. They're worse.

[Krimble]

Linus, thank you. Thank you so much..

I know that it is exactly what happened to him...

Although her ex treated him like a dog for 8 years and he probably doesn't feel love anymore, he is still hurt from that relationship.. His heart is still bleeding from everything she did to him and although he knows I'm everything he was looking for in a woman, his heart can't love me as it's still damaged...

This is why I don't want us to talk, he wanted to keep contact and I said no.. I would have hurt too much.

Now hopefully, he will take time alone to rebuild what she destroyed.. And I know, deep in my heart that what we could have had would have been amazingly beautiful... But too early for him..

I will therefore try to stop thinking of what we had..
Once his heart is healed, I might not have found someone yet and who knows... But do you think it could then work?
I will keep faith as I honestly think we would have had something wonderful.

Do you keep faith?

[xxazurexx]

Give him time, he might come to his senses and realise what he's losing/lost.

But you have to give him space and in order for him to figure it out. You seem a strong person and I think you did the right thing in deciding not to continue to be his friend.

Hope it all works out for you

[Krimble]

You know, I was in a very bad relation also for 3 years which I ended in August 2009. So I knew what I wanted and was ready for a relationship..

When I met him, right away I knew he would be right for me but once I learned about his 8 years relationship that just ended, I did think that things were going a bit quick for him but, I was there now and I think he didn't want to risk the wait even if he wasn't ready yet...

I can't be mad because I do understand what he's going through... and even if he doesn't come back to me, he's such an amazing person that I want him to be happy and not return to that mean girl he left..

I will definitely not call him, I don't even let him see me online on MSN.. That way, he will see what life is without me, seeing or talking to me...

In the end, once he heals from his past relationship, he will maybe miss me... And if not, well I will not be suffering like I am now anyway so I guess it will be easy to move on. And I guess, if he does go back to her, she will not change and after a little while, she will be mean to him again and he will probably remember how well he was treated with me. But I'll be gone.

I do hope he comes back to me though... How long would he take to heal, more or less? Like I said, she was so mean, I can't even understand how he still suffers...

[Linus]

Keep the faith? Yes. Absolutely. Even though I know I shouldn't. I may have ultimately just been a rebound to her (despite her best intentions), but she was/is very special to me (she was actually the first girl I truly felt was "the one"). So yes, every day I find myself hoping that one day she'll be able to move on and that she will want to come back to me. But I also feel like a fool for thinking like that. As long as I'm hoping that is what happens, I don't think I'll be able to move on. And I'm tired of being emotionally vulnerable (it's only been a month and I'm afraid of how long I will feel this way about her).

Krimble, I'm really in no place to offer advice as to what you should do since I'm pretty much in the same situation. But I want to share some of my thoughts with you anyway. So let me say first and foremost that I think you should just try to move on. If you guys are going to get back together, that's outside your influence. In other words, if it's meant to be, it will be. And you holding on to hope will ultimately cripple you emotionally. And if/when you eventually start to see someone else, you will do to that person what he did to you. And you don't want that.

Here are some of my other thoughts:
1) You're right to break contact. Delete his number (write it down somewhere and put it away). Don't follow him on any social networking sites. Contacting him and following his activities will only make you feel worse (I've made both of those mistakes already and I still struggle not to look at the activity on her Facebook page). Also, if there's any hope of him coming back to you, your absence from his life will make him curious about what you're doing and or miss you.

2)Think positively. Give yourself hope that you will get better (not that you will get back with him). Realize that you were capable of being happy before him and that you can be happy again without him.

3)Be confident. Don't let the fact that he dumped you ruin your self-esteem. Like I said before, there was nothing you could have done to make him feel differently. Also, if it happens that you guys do run into each other or that you end up talking to him, if he sees you as being all right/happy/confident/not hung up on him, it will make him question his decision to leave you. They say that "Living well is the best revenge." But you shouldn't try to be well for that reason. Do it for yourself. That way you're in a better place whether he ever comes back or not.

4) Make yourself fully accept your situation. I saw this on another place in this blog and I think it's worth reposting:
"True love accepts the person for who they are, even when they are bad and they don't love you. It means accepting reality. When you love and accept reality at the same time, you are forced to move on. When you deal with reality and move on without love, you take bitterness with you. When you love without dealing with reality, you hurt yourself. Love the other person, accept the reality, and seek the wisdom and strength you'll need to do that continuously until it ceases to become a problem."

5) Allow yourself to feel the pain of the breakup. This will make the healing process faster. Don't try to ignore it, or distract yourself. But also, don't wallow in it.

All of this is some of the best advice I've come across. There's more out there. And reading about other peoples' experiences on the forum will help too. Just know that each day you'll get a little bit better. Just don't kid yourself about what has happened. He left you. Don't save yourself for him.

Hope some of this helps.

Linus

[Krimble]

Oh and I even deleted my facebook account so I'm not tempted to look at his profile and see what he's up to and for him not to see what I'm up to...
I deleted everything I had that reminded me of him... which help, in the event he never comes back to me..

[Krimble]

Linus, you can't even imagine how it helps. We are definitely in the exact same situation. I cannot give up faith even if I do know there is absolutely nothing I can do... The power is in his hands.
He told a mutual friend that he wanted to fall in love with me so badly as he knew he couldn't find someone better, so I know he is honest and didn't do it on purpose to hurt me.. I do feel a fool like you say too because he might never come back but... time will tell.

As you see, I am doing everything to move on.
1- The day he left, I deleted my facebook account because I knew I would want to check all the time.. I deleted his phone number from my phone, I deleted every text messages he had sent me and every little paper note he used to write me.. everything. I will not contact him... I have him on my MSN but I appear offline always so he never sees me online... I just see him online. That way he will be able to see what life is without any signs of me.

2- I had a very bad break-up about 6 years ago, with my first love, and I cried for about 6 months! Now when I think about it, I laugh. I try to remember that so I know that with time, i will get better. I will be just differently happy as when I was with him.

3- Now that I know that it wasn't my fault, i do not let it affect my confidence or self esteem. I keep reminding myself that in the end, he is the one loosing the most... it helps.

4- I will do my best not to bump into him, we live an hour away and there is no need for me to ever go where he lives or him where I live...

I am starting to accept the reality and I cannot even be mad at him. I have no choice to just accept and let time pass.. But I do love him deeply.

5- I try to hang out with friends people who love me. Once I get home alone, I do cry but it feels good.. I pray alot to get the strength I need everyday..

So.. I will not save myself for him, but I very rarely fall in love like I did with him. I need strong feelings to be with someone, so until I meet someone else who makes me feel like he did, I will be single.. If he realises that he did a mistake once his heart heals, and I still am single.. I will not have any other choice then to give him a second chance.

If I'm not... well it will be a shame for him and I will wish him luck...
I really do love him.

I'm grateful for the chance I have to talk here, it helps alot to see that I'm not alone in this situation.

[IncognitoSir]

Give him time, he might come to his senses and realise what he's losing/lost.

But you have to give him space and in order for him to figure it out. You seem a strong person and I think you did the right thing in deciding not to continue to be his friend.

Hope it all works out for you

Yeah, this guy has some serious emotional damage. ( I could only imagine) It would of been better if you guys could of been friends before you got so serious, but I think he needs time to recover, a lot of time. It's probably gonna be a while before he's even dateable to tell you the truth. I'm sorry you had to get caught up in the rebound thing but you never know, you two may cross paths again in the future, especially since you had all that initial chemistry. Keep your head up and be sure to see this situation exactly how it is.......