Like a billion little shards of glass, all set on fire.

[brokendown]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 7 months. I went into the relationship with a few, but minimal trust issues from my past. On 2 occasions I caught him lying to me. The first time I let it go, I told him we all make mistakes and I could forgive him and believe in his ability to change. The second time I just about flew off the face of the earth in my rage. He cried and begged and apologized. I still didn't know if I believed him, but there was something in "us" that I just wasn't ready to let go. The lies were not awful, they were supposedly to protect our relationship, to keep me from being upset about something. He was in huge trouble but I stayed with him, and we tried to work it out. Working it out involved me having him under pretty heavy surveillance for a while. Maybe it was wrong, but it was the only way I could think of and he was okay with it. I checked his phone, I checked his facebook, he gave me a key to his apartment. Things were finally getting really good. The past few weeks he would hand me his phone and I would just give it right back and tell him I didn't need to look, that I trusted him. I stopped reading in to every little word and instance and I stopped with the paranoia.

Yesterday I was working until 1:30 am (I work at a theater). The last two hours I just wait around for the last movie to end. I texted him, asked what he was doing... he said he was "super tired, i'm actually falling asleep but I miss you". So I think to myself that I should go surprise him, since I'm able to leave work. I thought I heard something when I was walking up to his apartment. The old me would have stayed by the window and listened. But I had moved past that, I was just so excited to see him. I let myself in and the first thing I see is a purse on the floor. He comes out of the bedroom, and behind him is a girl. He acts like it's no biggy, introduces us, and in a daze I just shook her hand. He knows full well that having a girl alone in his apartment is not something I consider appropriate at all. I've confided in him several times my fears that it could happen and he swore up and down that he would never allow that to occur. They were burning a CD on his bed, I was so shocked that I just waited in the kitchen. She went into the bathroom and I took the opportunity to tell him that he needed to get her out immediately. She left.

He says nothing happened and nothing would have happened. She is married. But how can I believe that? Finding that, should I just immediately leave? Is that ever okay? I have a very hard time believing that there's nothing, because he didn't tell me she was over. After the original lies, he always told me when a girl was over with his other friends, if he was meeting one for lunch, if an ex called him or a friend flirted.

I was so mad I was just shaking, I couldn't even cry. And then I realized he was about to just let me go, like a guilty man. He wasn't going to fight for me. He pulled the whole "I can't make you happy, this is me saving you" crap that I never wanted to hear. I drove to work and he just kept texting me that he loves me more than anything and this isn't what he wants, but he has to do it. Eventually I asked him to drive to my work to talk to me, I needed some answers about things. I then found out that the reason I'd never seen anything when I checked his phone is because he changed her name in his phone to a guy's name. He says he did it back when I was very paranoid, before we improved. But that was when I was the most vulnerable, when I needed his honesty the most. And why didn't he change any other girl? Only her. He says that means nothing, but I'm not an idiot.

I'm just dying inside right now. It's confusing, because I was always the girl who wouldn't stand for even a fraction of this. The girl who couldn't understand why anybody sticks around. But I've never had anything like this before. When there aren't lies, he's everything I ever wanted. I've never met anybody who understands me so well... I can be very complicated. Sometimes I get into a very dark place emotionally, and for the first time I have somebody who can pull me out of it in a matter of minutes. Who can pinpoint and put into words things that I didn't even know I was feeling. Who always listens, always pays attention, always makes an effort to prove to me that I'm appreciated. I love him so much, all I want to do is fight for us.

At what point does that just become wrong?

[Gigabitch]

I've never met anybody who understands me so well... I can be very complicated. Sometimes I get into a very dark place emotionally, and for the first time I have somebody who can pull me out of it in a matter of minutes. Who can pinpoint and put into words things that I didn't even know I was feeling. Who always listens, always pays attention, always makes an effort to prove to me that I'm appreciated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's also a ****in' liar. A serial liar. A sneaky, weasel-faced, worm of a liar.

Walk away from this man. You will NEVER be able to trust him again. Instead of practicing transparency, which was what he needed to do, he practiced obfuscation. He's all worked up right now because he got caught, not because he betrayed your trust.

You're a little bit emotionally addicted to him, and like a drug, he's making you feel like you need him. You don't. In fact, he's bad for you. You have to choose yourself, here, rather than this poisonous man. You can find someone who won't do this to you.

[Incognito]

I'm just dying inside right now. It's confusing, because I was always the girl who wouldn't stand for even a fraction of this. The girl who couldn't understand why anybody sticks around. But I've never had anything like this before. When there aren't lies, he's everything I ever wanted. I've never met anybody who understands me so well... I can be very complicated. Sometimes I get into a very dark place emotionally, and for the first time I have somebody who can pull me out of it in a matter of minutes. Who can pinpoint and put into words things that I didn't even know I was feeling. Who always listens, always pays attention, always makes an effort to prove to me that I'm appreciated. I love him so much, all I want to do is fight for us.

At what point does that just become wrong?

I think the point where it becomes wrong has already passed. You're already passed the sign to 'Entering Wrongville', and are smack dab in the middle of it.

I also totally unequivocally agree with Gigabitch. It doesn't matter what good things he does if he's a liar and possibly a cheater. No man, NO MAN has a married woman at his place at 1:30 in the morning, fails to tell you BEFORE she came over, and has her listed under a man's name on his phone. He's been lying for a long time by having her listed under a male alias (and talking to her no doubt). I also doubt she's even married, but then again I have seen stranger things happen. Bottom line..... Ditch that dude today.

[brokendown]

I've left him.
I went over this morning and we talked for close to 5 hours about everything, about what's made him lie to me and just everything that's been wrong with our relationship. We decided to try to work it out... he promised no more lies. He promised no more secrecy. I asked him yet again if there was anything between him and that woman. He said no, she was just coming over before her surgery tomorrow. I asked what surgery... he didn't know. I knew that was a lie. He told me texted his ex last night. I asked to see the texts just to see that he'd deleted them. There was also a text from the woman from last night, saying "btw how did you sleep?". I asked him what had been said before that and he told me he deleted it all and he didn't remember. I asked him to respond to her just to ease my mind... at first it was okay.

Then she sent "I can't believe I sent those". I asked what. He said he didn't know. I asked him to ask her. I said it sounded like pictures. He said "oh, you know what I think you're right". I asked what the pictures were of. He said he didn't remember. So as I'm grabbing the phone to text her the question myself, he blurts out "it was her boobs". His "defense" is that we were broken up. Nevermind that it was WHILE we were breaking up. And how does such a platonic relationship escalate to nude pictures in just hours? No way was nothing going to happen while she was there. He then admits that he knew all along she was getting a boob job. I asked him if he ever would have told me about the pictures. He said he wouldn't have, he would have just deleted it, started fresh, and been honest with me from now on.

I love this man so much, but I do not love this part of him. I love who he is and who he wants to be, but it's jumbled up with so much pain from his past that he's somebody I just cannot be with and still respect myself right now. I'm really hurting but I'm sure of my decision. This is permanent. Anything that could help me is greatly needed, I feel like I'm falling apart from the inside and it's miserable.

[Gigabitch]

Go total No Contact no matter what he does, make sure you don't have any of his stuff so he has no excuse to contact you, and post on here EVERY DAY until the urge to see him goes away. You'll get the support you need here if you ask for it.

[brokendown]

I feel like no matter who I'm with or how honest they are, I'm always going to feel this way now. I feel ruined.

[Gigabitch]

That's up to you. You'll see.

[Teddy057]

Uhhh, what the hell is wrong with you woman? Why in the flying fu** would you stick with someone you keep catching with other girls/ keeps lying to you? Honestly, this is almost comical. If you keep lying to yourself and pretending you can have a future with this shitdick prepare for utter failure. Move on and find someone who appreciates you. Not someone who uses you, like that guy IS. Open your eyes, stop fighting for a lost cause, and if you ever see that guy again, punch him square in the nuts for being a joke of a human being. Oh yeah, and if you have some of that handy dandy pepper spray in your purse you can use that too.

[cmacattack1]

Funny how we can be at the peak of rationality, full of sound advice for our friends, and never "that person" that turns into a pathetic puddle of a woman until you meet somebody and it happens to you. I think part of you that doesn't want to let go is because he's hanging with somebody else, and it makes you feel like you aren't worth much and a need to prove yourself to be a better partner so that he will choose you and fall in love, and change and be this wonderful guy that you wanted him to be from the get go. That unfortunately is a fantasy. The reality is that he gets away with so much, and no matter how much shit you give him, if you are still there at the end of the day, guess what? He won't learn his lesson.

You are only worth as much as you are allowed to be treated. I say this as a guy that his treated his girlfriends not very well. I got in the endless cycle of staying with them but giving them subhuman care, figuring "well I don't want to crush them by leaving them" and "if I fall in love and meet the right one, everything will be perfect". Well not leaving them even when my feelings are gone is the absolutely worse, most painful way to go, and very selfish because I get to have her when I want to and she feels "powerless" about her feelings and can't leave. And it doesn't matter who I meet, if I don't know how to take care of somebody, how to treat somebody, love is not going to magically turn me around and fix my ailing problems. It seems for some, when they fall in love, they are great boyfriends and do all the right things, although they have problems like everybody else. I've never been in that position with a girl so it's tough to say if love does give you a little extra effort. But no matter how much you love somebody, if you don't even know how to do the right things, love won't make you a good boyfriend. If you are possessive, you will still be that way for example.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like he cares enough and has any respect for you. Breaking trust early on made things horrible for you, and when you can't trust them, it turns into a nightmare. You spend so much time focusing on "are they lying to me, are they sneaking behind me, are they being faithful?" everything around you suffers. You have less energy and less focus for work, school, friends, and even stuff that makes you happy. Meanwhile you are unhappy to have to babysit your boyfriend and take him on like he is liability and an extra responsibility. I'm guessing romance is nonexistant. I will emphasize that you AREN'T HAPPY.

So why do you stay? Why do you give him other chances? The hurt is so fresh and your decision to stay with him was done so hastily that you didn't even figure out what the hell he was doing with the married woman in the first place, and the new details that surface are pissing you off. If you are trying to work things out again, you have to let the past go. Which it sounds like an impossibility at the moment. Your foundation for a relationship is in utter ruins, can you really build off these pieces?

You can't help how you feel but you know it's bad for you. Why do you continue to do it? You are completely responsible for staying in this. You have nothing to work with here and there is too much hurt to make anything good out of it. You guys are supposed to be having fun, that's the first step before you get more serious. Fun? Nope, hardly. You will be okay, he is not the only guy in the world for you. And if he isn't enhancing your life's experience, he's taking away from it.

[brokendown]

I posted again and we did break up... because I'm not a "pathetic puddle of a woman" and this is where I'm saying I've had enough. I know I can't be with him anymore and still respect myself as a human being.
I'm just disgusted with him, I can't eat or sleep or think.

You said there was no romance... it couldn't be farther from the truth. He was always taking me out, planning romantic days. When I was sick or sad or anything, he would go out of his way and out of his budget to right things, to make me feel better. Every night before he went to sleep he would call and leave me a voicemail that would just go on and on about how important I am to him. Literally every night, even if we'd been fighting. We had conversations where we both confided secrets that not even our best friends know. We have fun together, we constantly laugh. Our sex life was wonderful as well.

It just kills me that I feel like his dishonesty is the one thing keeping me from the love of my life. I keep asking him why he did it and his only answer is that he was scared to tell me. But how can he still be scared of that when I'm holding him and looking him in the eye and saying "we'll work through ANYTHING as long you're honest with me"? I put myself out there, stretched way farther than was reasonable in an effort to trust him. And I got nothing.

What mostly confuses me is that sometimes he'll tell me the truth. And then I'll find out that he lied to me about the same thing he told me the truth about.

We talked last night and I was pretty mean to him. He's a complete wreck, he keeps just telling me that he misses me and he loves me but I didn't deserve to be lied to. He still insists that he never cheated on me. I just don't know what to believe. He can tell me that all he wants, and it could be true. But I'd still have to be an idiot to believe it.

This is just so hard. I really, really miss him. I wish there was some magical way to just KNOW exactly what happened and KNOW that he'll never lie to me again. If only. :/

[Gigabitch]

That guy needs help, and not the kind you can give him. I'm so sorry it's so hard. Stay strong. It'll serve you in the long run.

[Incognito]

It just kills me that I feel like his dishonesty is the one thing keeping me from the love of my life. /

Just remember that it is HIS problem that is wrecking this whole situation. Don't ever feel like you should put up with that to make it work. Like I said......car without a wheel.

[hurt_confuzd]

Are you Jewish?

[Incognito]

Me or the OP? I'm not Jewish, not by a long shot.

[Gigabitch]

Are you Jewish?

Stuff it, Lebanon Boy.